


How Did I Get Here?!

by Junnesejer, Mayamelissa, SilentSlayer



Series: Chaos Never Ends In This Thing I Call My Brain [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: AU, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Breaking canon, Chubby Herald/Inquisitor, Cullen is an unlikable asshole in the beginning, F/M, Mental Illness, Modern Girl in Thedas, Overcoming Body Issues, Overcoming fears, Roofies, Self-Insert at it's worst, comments welcome, watch me pander to my friends on AO3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-05-13 22:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 61
Words: 55,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5719180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junnesejer/pseuds/Junnesejer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayamelissa/pseuds/Mayamelissa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentSlayer/pseuds/SilentSlayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am in Thedas. Specifically Dragon Age Inquisition. There is a God and he LOATHES me! I ain't just talkin' 'bout Fen'Harel, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How The Fuck Did I Get Here?!

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle Up, Boys! It's gonna be bumpy ride!
> 
> Also the following people are to blame for this monstrosity:  
> Actually_Fen_Harel  
> salesman  
> SilentSlayer  
> imjusthereforthefanporn  
> Eltheria  
> Marika_Haliwell  
> Junnesejer  
> Grimli  
> kaleidoscopes  
> Eternal_Garbage_of_a_Spotless_Mind  
> LilKjay  
> and many others... I love you all and hate you so much.

Okay I would like to make 1 thing very, VERY clear.

I have a mental illness and even though part of it  _ can _ include hallucinations, I have only ever had auditory ones.

Yes, I have on occasion seen things out of the corner of my eye but everyone has those at least once in their life.

But I take my meds. Often very regularly especially now since my newest one has helped me get over my writer’s block I had in place for about 5 or 6 years. Holy shit have I overcome it. I’ve been writing a fuck ton of fanfiction for a certain video game series since what, October of last year?

Maybe it was December. Hell I don’t know! Not really even concerned when I started because right now the only question on my mind is this:

“How the FUCK did I get here?!”


	2. I Laugh When I'm Terrified

“There is no way in hell this is actually happening!” I hear myself say and it echoes in against the stone walls. I am shackled in the middle of the dungeon surround by about 5 Inquisition soldiers all pointing swords at me. “I’ve gotta be having a mental breakdown! That’s it: Only rational explanation.”

“Be silent,” orders one of the guards. I don’t want to be quiet. I want to wake the fuck up or snap out of this delusion. Pain radiates up my foot, like a thousand bees are being let loose in the appendage, probably because I’ve been kneeling on this cold floor for way too damn long. I’m a big girl in terms of weight. 

I am 35 years old, and I’m about to throw a tantrum.

“You be quiet, Nameless NPC! What the hell am I doing here?!”

The door bursts open, stopping me from continuing on. Oh good! Here comes Cassandra and Leliana. They are a lot better looking in person than on my 360 and all those Youtube videos I’ve watched. “Explain yourself,” Cassandra demanded to know, “and tell us why we shouldn’t kill you right now.”

I would like it to be known there is not a freaking glowing mark on my god damned hand. Why the hell am I getting MC dialogue thrown at me? I try to stop myself from doing my automatic response to what scares me: laughing.

Yeah, that doesn’t work. And it makes Cassandra an even more angry lady. Oh goodie: I managed to make her disapprove of me even before we’ve officially started the game! GO, KATHLEEN!

“You will answer!” Cassandra shouts, grabbing me by my neck and pushing me backwards until hit the wall behind me. My legs are bare, the only thing I’m wearing right now is my plus size women's jersey night shirt in peach. Am I wearing panties? I took my bra off before I went to bed last night. For once. Oh great! Now everyone will know the when the turkey’s done.

Oh shit, that’s right: I’m about to be choked to death one handed by Cassandra! This day cannot get any worse.

“Explain who you are, what you were doing, and what is that mark upon your foot!” Cassandra shouts, her face two inches away from mine. “Or I will gut you like the coward you are!”

She lets me go and I am pretty sure I’m gonna have bruises on my throat if I even survive 5 more minutes of this delusion. Swallowing hurts so bad now and yet I find myself trying to do so to get my voice back. “This episodic delusion is really bad,” I say out loud. “First I’m in shackles in the Chantry dungeon and now you ask me to explain a mark on my foot? What the fuck is going on?! There’s no mark on my-” My eyes go wide and my jaw hangs open as the top of my foot erupts in a tingling force of lime green magic. I look up at Cassandra, look down at my foot again, and then back at the Seeker. “How the  _ fuck _ did that get on there?”


	3. Let The Death Count Begin!

The anchor. That fucking thing that Corypheus decided to play around with that fucking Solas’ god damned agents managed to get to him.

“Listen, this is about to sound really crazy but this is  _ not _ supposed to be here!” I say pointing at my foot. “And I’m definitely  _ not _ supposed to be here either! I’m supposed to be at home in the apartment I share with my sister, asleep on the couch that’s also my bed! You guys are a hallucination brought about by getting too deep into Dragon Age Inquisition! Wake up, Kathleen! Wake up!”

They just stare at me blankly. You know the look, right? Where they’re waiting for you to make that choice on the dialogue wheel. Just staring. Cassandra looked at Leliana and said those magic words about the forward camp and going to the rift.

“Over my dead body am I going out there!” I shout in fear, moving backwards as far away from Cassandra as I can. “I am in my nightgown with no bra, socks or shoes on! I have no idea how to fight at all and you fuckers want me to go all across Thedas fighting demons and sealing rifts!”

“You will come with me. Now,” Cassandra says in that voice that is both no nonsense and full on warning. She comes towards me to replace my iron bands with rope. 

Now anyone who knows me will agree with this: I am not the smartest or wisest person when I’m excited, or any time actually. I have a pretty average IQ and poor reflexes. Being in this place in real life as I am now? I’m about to lose what shit I haven’t. “Fuck you, Cassandra!” I shout, flailing to get away from her.

She dodges my strikes and I hear Leliana shout in a panicked voice, “Cassandra, no!”

So yeah… That would be the first time I died. Didn’t even leave the dungeon. Just stabbed by a pissed off Cassandra and bled out before they could get a healer in there.

I fucking hate my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly working on a schedule of releasing and writing stories.


	4. Death Number 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a certain someone (you know who you are, you beautiful person) guessed I was basically being Groundhog Day-ed. I love that film. I also love and I mean L-O-V-E love the movie The Labyrinth (rest in peace David Bowie - you were magnificent) as well as Spaceballs and LEGENDS starring Tim Curry and Xanadu with Olivia Newton John. I have a lot of movies I like.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I spat in horror, staring at my surroundings. “What the fuck?!”

“Be silent, Prisoner!” came the order once more from one of the guards swinging a sword in my direction. Irritation was my new emotional starter and I glared at the man. “You be fucking quiet, asshole!” I snapped. My foot let out a pop of magic, illuminating the area around it. _ Great, so that thing is still there as well? The most comforting thing I can think of is if I ever do make it to the Trespasser DLC portion of our show, I’ll still have both my arms _ , I thought to myself.  _ At least it doesn’t hurt. _

I’m not good with pain. The cold I have a higher tolerance towards because my body’s core temp is naturally higher than most people. And since I’m a bigger bodied girl, I have more fat on my bones which helps protect against the chill of my surroundings. My sister calls me her space heater.

Oh Lord give me strength! Linda is probably losing her shit right now. We haven’t been fighting and my clothes I wear for the day are on the arms of the sofa. I don’t leave the house without a bra on. She’ll never believe me if I tell her I was transported to Dragon Age Inquisition. She’ll think my meds have done the opposite of what they’re supposed to and call Crisis on me.

My situation just went from bad to 100% lose/lose.

Cassandra and Leliana came in and the memory of my death came rushing back to me.  _ If I can stop myself from panicking and flailing about, maybe I can avoid getting stabbed again? _ I reasoned.  _ Yeah, good luck with that, Kathleen. You’re like the worst person who could have been chosen for this bull shit. Seriously who or what is responsible for putting me here? I’ve never had this much clarity in dreams or hallucinations and this is just too freaking weird. Like how in the hell did- _

“Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now?” Cassandra demanded, and since I’d been so preoccupied in my thoughts, I couldn’t help but blurt out, “You already did! Although why I’m back at the beginning and not at home or actually dead is beyond my level of understanding!”

Well that definitely was not something they were expecting to hear. I mean, no shit right? “The Conclave is destroyed and everyone is dead, except for you,” Cassandra and Leliana were both circling me like a pair of predators. Okay, did they really think that a woman in her nightgown was responsible for all this bullshit?! 

Note to self: if I die again and get sent back to the beginning a third time, I’m gonna ask that question. Right now, I didn’t have the clarity to word it without risking another one of Cassandra’s drag and beats.

“Explain the mark on your foot,” Cassandra demanded. “How did you get it?”

“I really wish I could tell you but I don’t know! In the game, the mark was on my hand not my foot! This is not how it’s supposed to be.”

“So you admit you are responsible for this?!” Cassandra shouted, her anger clear.

Well fuck! That was definitely not the right thing to say. “No, that’s not what I meant!” I stuttered, panic setting in again. But unfortunately, no matter what I tried to tell them, I just kept digging my hole deeper. So deep ,in fact, that when I was finally out of the Chantry and walking through the crowd, several people stood in front of us to block our path.

The people in the group were all holding very large rocks, and I just knew what they were going to try to do. They were going to stone me as punishment for the believed murder of Divine Justinia. Cassandra must have realized that too because she started yelling orders, “Killing her will not help stop this madness! You must let us pass!”

“She deserves to die!” screamed a woman. The group all echoed similar sentiments as a man shouted, “We demand justice!”

“Kill the bitch!” another masculine voice rang out and a stone flew at me. It hit me right square in the side of my face. There was pause as long as a heartbeat, and then it was just madness. Cassandra couldn’t stop the onslaught even though she tried to, ending up getting dragged off to the sidelines by who knows. I felt fear but not for me, as odd and out of place as that was. I felt scared for Cassandra.

But soon, I didn’t feel anything except the pain of the rocks as they hit me. When the crowd ran out several members came at me, kicking and beating me with rocks in their hands. There was so much pain as I felt bones break and my blood flow out of my body. This was my second death. Gruesome, painful, and biblical.

**Death Number 2:  Killed By An Angry Mob**


	5. They Don't Make Armor in My Size

**“Well done, Lass! Two completely unscripted deaths, and you just started the game! Keep up the good work!”**

 

I opened my eyes at the very familiar accented voice but found myself right back in the Chantry dungeon. Who the hell had that belonged to? I swear I recognized that voice. It wasn’t from the Dragon Age series. My face mirrored my confusion as I tried to figure it out.

The door slammed opened and in walked Cassandra and Leliana. Again. Mysterious voice, constant repeating of situation? This is either Hell or Groundhog’s Day. And my name is _not_ Bill Murray!

Cassandra said her line and mentioned my foot again. Now was the time to ask them the very obvious question. “Lady, what part of my attire screams murderer?” I ask, my expression calm but my tone having an underlining of irritation. “I am in my nightshirt, I have no pants or breasts support, I have no fighting skills and I’m obese in comparison with the people around here. What part of me screams, Magic Wielder? Because aside from this,” I fell backwards a little to get out of the kneeling position and pointing at my foot, “I have no magic! I have no idea what’s going on, and I certainly haven’t killed anyone!”

Well what do you know? I actually caused Cassandra to stop and think about something. Hey! I might just live through the first 5 minutes of Dragon Age Inquisition! Only took me 3 fucking tries! “Do you remember what happened?” Leliana asked. I looked at her. “Listen, the only thing I can remember is getting into bed after writing a bunch of fan fiction. I shutdown my computer and I got all snug as a bug in a rug then I woke up here!”

They stared at me blankly, clearly confused at the words I was using. This whole thing was making me tired.

“No, I don’t remember what happened,” I sighed in resignation. Cassandra ordered someone to find me some appropriate clothes while Leliana headed to the forward camp to get yelled at by Chancellor What A Dick.

I didn’t look forward to that first meeting. Let’s hope I didn’t find a way to die during it: that would be embarrassing! “What is your name?” Cassandra asked me, less hostile but still very much dangerous as I knew how strong and skilled she was from my game plays. “Kathleen,” I said looking through the pile of clothes a couple of scouts brought in.

None of them were gonna fit me. The largest pair of armor was at best an extra large, and I’m a 2 or 3x girl. Great, already I was having problems outside of being murdered! “Are these the biggest you have?” I asked the scout. The woman nodded.

“Can you truly not find one to fit you?” Cassandra asked. “We cannot dally.”

I wanted to punch her. Hard. “I need a tent and some scissors and some rope and belts,” I stated. The scout looked at Cassandra who inquired, “What in the world could you possibly do with those?”

“I’m going to make me a robe so I have some protection from the elements,” I explained, quickly drawing up a design in my head. I could use the legs from one of the largest pairs of pants for arm protection with the belts keeping them in place while the rope I could use to cinch it around my body.

“We do not have time for you to play seamstress,” Cassandra informed me. I glared at her. “I would like to agree with you, but unless you have access to more armor somewhere in my size, we don’t have a choice. Do you want me to go out there wearing this?”

“I would prefer it if you had chosen appropriate clothing,” the Seeker commented. I looked at her in disbelief. “What part of I was going to bed and woke up in this god forsaken situation do you not get?!”

“All of it! It is an absurd story and no one with half a mind will believe it!”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Fucking stubborn ass woman,” I cursed under my breath while Cassandra gave me a look that by now, I was too aggravated to fear. Finally someone brought the things I asked for and I made...

Something kind of what I envisioned in my head?

I groaned at my lack of skill and just outright refused to look at Cassandra’s expression. “Don’t say a damn word about how this looks,” I warned as I tightened the rope around my waist.

“It should offer you protection at least,” came the woman’s tentative comment. I guess my disappointment and aggravation on my cover up made her feel a little more sympathetic to my plight. Ultimately, I knew it was going to be a trial and error with this bit. And let’s face it: given how likely I was to die again and quite soon, I would be making a lot of these. Oh well… at least I knew what I would need and could cut down on collection time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably the last thing I will post until February. Pray I am successful in keeping to my schedule!


	6. Death Number 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this death was completely not my fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will attempt to update every Tuesday

Looking up at the Breach from Haven? It was… well I mean I was supposed to be terrified of it. Wasn’t I? But I wasn’t. I have no idea if it was due to seeing it after playing the game so much, but what filled me was not terror at looking at that thing.

I was in awe.

It was massive and spitting god knew what and lightening out of it. Dark clouds were swirling around the hole. Mother fucker, I should be shaking in my boots. Instead, I’m looking up at it while Cassandra explains it to me feeling just amazed. It was pretty. Okay, lime green magic is somewhat universally bad in terms of colored magic, but that thing was pretty. You know, like the color of the sky when tornados are threatening to come at you.

I’m from the Southern United States. We have tornados. No, I don’t live in a trailer park. Shut up.

My foot sparked and although genuinely uncomfortable, it didn’t hurt. Not yet. But it was enough of a shock to get me to lose balance and fall on my butt. However, I recall several scenes when this damn mark was powerful enough to cause screaming pain. One in particular was coming up very soon. Glorious! And here I am with the lowest fucking pain tolerance of anyone I know. _ I am gonna hit the person responsible for putting me here. _

Cassandra kneeled to my eye level and said that speel about the mark killing me and so on. Oh if she only knew - Wait, no. That would be bad. After using the dialogue option I remember increasing her approval points, (What do you expect? Woman stabbed me earlier because of much I pissed her off, and I watched her get dragged off while I was being beaten to death by an angry mob. Like fuck I’m not going to try and get friendly.) we headed towards the gates.

_ Damn that woman looks even angrier in real life, _ I thought seeing Threnn look at me as we walked past the crowd. I felt something hit my head hard, followed by pain and dizziness. I wobbled a bit before falling down, unable to stay standing.

Cassandra was shouting for a healer, but I think whatever hit me did too much damage. I slipped into unconsciousness, my final thought being:  _ I’m never going to get past the gates. _

**Death Number 3: Head Wound By Asshole Throwing Stones**


	7. I Die Way Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's face it: It's a habit.

“Died three times and have yet to get past the gates,” I muttered as I tried once again to make my robe the way it looked in my head. Cassandra was watching me intently and I had noticed something: she seemed less hostile this time. It was only slightly, and I know I’m not much for picking up on things since I’m dense as fuck, but still.

Probably either imagining it or I’m getting used to her.

I finished my work and it looks… well it looks only a step up from the last time’s monstrosity if only just barely. We get outside and I raised my hands to my head in time to stop the rock from making contact with my head and repeating death number 3.

I almost wanted to start dancing with joy when we got past the gates and Cassandra cut me loose from the ropes that held me prisoner. Almost. Because when I looked up that path, I felt more than a little uncomfortable.

Okay, for the record I may be fat but it’s not because I hate exercise. The women in my family have a strange code where the bigger we are, the healthier we tend to be. All the skinny ones have diabetes and heart problems and they start getting cancer early. I do enjoy a good walk, especially if it’s on an elliptical machine. I swear give me a good video game or movie to watch/play and I can walk on those things for a long freaking time.

So no, it’s not the fucking walk that had me hesitant to go forwards. It was the fact that the fight with the demons was coming, and I have no combat skills what-so-fucking ever. I’ve never handled a sword before. Magic does not exist where I come from - well not like it does in these fantasy worlds, and my parents were never rich enough to get me into martial arts. And where I live there was no community center that gave out free classes.

Oh well. To quote the female lead from Blade, “I’d better learn fucking quick.”

We made it to the bridge and before I can warn Cassandra, the bridge collapses beneath us sending us tumbling down into the ravine below.

I die on the way down. Not once, but twice. The third time I was able to fall down correctly but I’m pretty sure I might have hurt my knee, and I would have bore some very good bruises on my hips and side if the demons hadn’t killed me.

The first time they killed me was because I was rooted to the spot in awe at the sight of the shade. The second, because I just concentrated on trying to avoid being hit. Third time was because I grabbed a shield and tried to use it to block, but those things are fucking heavy and shit!

Let’s just say, I died several times trying to defend myself and get through that tutorial battle, all right?


	8. Can't Fight But I still Need A Weapon

I found counting the ways I died conducive to helping me stay sane, safe, and focused enough to live through that first battle and the points leading up to it. And here I thought all those remarks about using math during dances and stuff was just talk. Nope, apparently it actually was a good tool. Of course, the people who used it were probably not dying every five minutes and being teleported back to their starting point.

Cassandra handed me some potions, the Shade having just scratched my arm really bad as opposed to ripping me apart. I’d done a decent job dodging it this time. “Why did you not grab a weapon?” Cassandra asked.

I stared at her expectantly. “What did I tell you?” My tone made it sound like I was a mother chastising her naughty child. She blinked and I swear it I could see her flush with embarrassment. _Fuck yeah, bitches! I just got one up on Cass! Who’s your Herald? Oh shit, that would be me!_ My barely kept urge to do a victory dance at my inner monologue died at my realization they were gonna call me the Herald of Andraste.

Which meant people were going to expect shit from me. Like bravery and intelligence, or at least a decent sense of how to behave. My joy quickly evaporated leaving the familiar sense of depression in it’s wake. _Oh well… at least you won’t be attractive to anyone. So some things never changed_ , that tell tale second voice of my inner mind whispered.

Yeah, that’s right: I have multiple people who talk in my head. Or at least I call them people. They take on differents sides to my thoughts and keep me balanced.

Number 1: the thoughts I know are mine aka Kathleen’s voice in my head.

Number 2: the pessimistic one which likes to say negative things or enjoys throwing the shit of reality in my face when I really want to look on the bright side of stuff, or get the idea to try and do something cool or want something but can’t have it.

Number 3: focuses on food. Almost constantly. If I’m hungry or start craving something tasty, that fucker is 100% to blame. He’s been kind of chill for now but I’m sure he’ll pop up again soon. Always finds the worst moments to do it.

Number 4: the responsible voice. She’s the one who reminds me to go do my chores or how I need to save money or just, you know, be an adult. She mainly focuses on reminding me what I need to do in order to not be a complete and total waste of freaking life.

There are probably more voices in there but I don’t hear from them often.

Cassandra found the cache of weapons that had fallen in the ravine with us and pointed me to it. “Choose something to use for now until we can get you something more suitable,” she ordered. “I cannot protect you all the time.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” I retorted under my breath to which Cassandra looked at me with that whole ‘do you have something to say?’ look she had going for her. I went over and looked at my options.

Bow and Arrows? No. I have very little experience with them and I can’t aim worth a shit.

Sword and Shield? Even less experience with them than a bow and the shield was still too fucking heavy for my to handle with one arm.

Twin Daggers. Nope.

Two handed Weapon? Fuck off.

So that just left me with the staff. “Hooray,” I declared sarcastically. Looks like I would be emulating Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this evening. Cassandra eyed me suspiciously. “Interesting choice,” she said.

“Well it’s the only thing I can wield that’s light enough for me to try and keep myself safe with, alright?” I snapped. “Plus it’ll help give me something to lean on while we walk.”

“I suppose what you say is true enough,” Cassandra looked slightly embarrassed again. Is it just me or am I getting more capable at dealing with her? Just me. Has to be me. I motion towards the path we need to take to get towards Solas and Varric. “Shall we?” I give her a small smile, my irritation already gone.

Voice three just hit me with a craving for Taco Bell. Fuck this place.


	9. Sealing The Rift.... With My Foot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said every Tuesday but I've been sick and this made me feel better.

I’m about five seconds from not caring what anyone says or thinks when I break the fourth wall and turn into the Dragon Age equivalent of Deadpool. I have died far too much and not even gotten to meet Varric and Solas. And guess what happened when I finally did get up there to the first rift?

Varric shot me.

I don’t know how he managed to do it, but I got shot in the ass and a demon knocked my head off.

Then there was that moment when Solas was supposed to grab my hand and use it to seal the rift. Guess what he can’t do because the mark is on my foot and not on my hand?! That stupid egg lord actually hooked his staff beneath my fucking leg and caused me to fall on my ass. All because he thought having my foot closer to the fucking thing would matter.

You know, sometimes I wonder how smart he is.

Do not get me wrong: I like Solas. I am a definite Solasmancer back home, especially if that romance stops him from doing something stupid like abandoning the woman he claims to love. But Solas here might be a fucking putz for all I know. I wonder how divergent these people will be compared to the straight laced, well written versions I have come to love?

Oh yeah, getting off track.

So I died because when he hooked my leg up, I fell backwards and hit my head on the fucking ground and a piece of very jagged rock impaled itself through the back of my skull. The only good part of all this is that my robe now looks fabulous from the multiple times I’ve had to make it. Cassandra has given me a seriously impressed look while she watches me quickly put it together and strap it on.

As well as gave me a compliment on how I am obviously no mage, but have done a decent job at dodging and keeping out of danger with the staff I picked up.

Is she somehow keeping approval points of me when time loops? I mean that seems stupid but-

“Don’t even think about tripping me, Egg Lord!” I snap at Solas as he motions to hook my leg again. He stops and shouts, “We need your mark to close the rift!”

“Well you knocking me on my ass to get the mark close enough it is not going to do anything but get me hurt!” I shout back. “Let me try something!”

It’s crazy. And it’s stupid. But I stomp my foot on the ground. A line drawing from the rift to my foot connects, and I imagine I’m stepping on the pedal of one of those spinning machines that they use to make wool or cotton into thread. It’s all very complicated to explain, but it’s either that, or do a dance like the hokey pokey. And I am  _ not  _ doing that in front of these people.

The rift seals in spite of Solas not doing anything like touching me, and he stares at me. “Not how I imagined it would work, but you did well,” he says to me in that lovely voice of his.

_ No one is going to be attracted to you so don’t even think about getting all googly-eyed. Especially at the sexy Egg Lord. You’re an overweight human woman. You have no magical talents. You can’t even fight or defend yourself. You have a tendency to be dumb and thicker than a box of hair. You’re a fucking looney bird.  _

_ And this man would leave your ass in a heartbeat! Remember all those poor Levellans? You’ve watched a whole lot of Let’s Play videos involving this asshat. _

_ Thank you voices number 2 and 4 for your, as always, candid outlooks on life _ .

_ Anytime. _

_ My Pleasure. _

Fuck the pair of them. “So apparently I can help after all,” I said to him, my mind returning to the land of the here and now. Solas went on about his predictions, and I ignored most of what he said mainly because I knew it. I’ve played this game what- at least ten times? And written a fuck ton of fanfiction. I know how this goes.

“Although the placement of the mark may prove to be slightly more difficult to use in sealing the rifts, I believe it can still seal even the Breach.”

Okay: that line was definitely fucking new. Why the hell was that even being said? Varric piped in with his introductions and HOT DAMN! You know: I didn’t really think too much on how he looked, but Varric is a rather sexy dwarf when you see him in person. And that chest hair! Woof.

I choose the crossbow line from the dialogue I know, because otherwise ‘Bianca’s excited’ makes little to no damn sense. Varric luckily seems like an alright guy: as personable and likable as he is in the game so far. I hope that doesn’t change.

“You have a name, Cutie-Pie, or should we call you Prisoner?”

I blink at his question, and more so the nickname he used. Varric just called me Cutie-Pie. Oh please don’t let me start blushing.

_ He was being facetious. He doesn’t really think you’re even remotely good looking. _

_ You are a fucking pain in my arse. Can you let me enjoy it when someone uses a complimentary nickname even if they don’t mean it? _

_ Nope. _

“Kathleen. My name is Kathleen,” I say to him quickly, praying that’s just my rosacea and the cold making my cheeks go red. Varric shot me a grin. “Well Kathleen, Bianca and I are happy to make your acquaintance.”

“And I am very happy for the help,” I responded, giving a slight bow.

“My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions,” Solas spoke up walking to my side. “I am pleased to see you still live.”

Oh I have very little doubt about that, you stupid egg lord, I think as the conversation goes the way it normally does in the game. I even choose the best lines for culminating what I think are approval points - not that it fucking matters. I’ll be dead before we reach the forward camp, and all this stuff will happen again.

And again.

And again.

I am so grateful to reach the forward camp when we finally make it that I don’t even get snippy with Roderick when we meet him. The man has no idea how much of an incoherent rambling I can hurl at him.


	10. I Am A Coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The self hate is strong with this one.

I have a very big problem with heights.

It’s not so bad if I’m safely strapped into a ferris wheel or other fairground rides, but climbing things like tall rickety ladders up the sides of mountains? And those are wooden ladders, weathered and old.

Still, I wanted to take the safest route. I also don’t want to be a coward. So, I choose the mountain path because it’s the safest and there is a scouting party that will die unless I go up there.

No one can understand or will ever know how ashamed I am when I let fear get the better of me on those ladders. I’m even grateful when the rungs on the ladder break and I fall back to the first platform and break my neck.

I think I got killed in the dungeon again by Cassandra because I was an emotional wreck for failing to do what was so easy in the game. This is the first time while here in Thedas that I know the true feeling of dejection and disappointment at my own shortcomings. I will not be able to take the mountain path and save the scouts. I just...can't. 

And I have a bad habit of punishing myself for failure.

I don’t make myself a robe this time around. I don’t ask for supplies, and Cassandra realises too late when we are outside that I am not dressed properly and am barefoot. You’d think she would have noticed that before but nope. The ground is rocky and painful, the air is cold and tears into my very poorly protected skin.

I let myself hurt from it until I die again, because I will gladly punish myself for being a coward. 


	11. My Wounded Fan Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do I feel like an abused girlfriend?

“Alright, Lass. Now don’t be doin’ that again.”

I swear to God I know that voice.

“Oh, you know me quite well,” the voice replied. “And it’s alright. Maybe later you can become brave enough to go up the ladders!”

No, I won’t. I’m a fucking coward, and the ladder broke because it couldn’t take a 300 pound woman climbing on it.

“You’ve never been good with heights and climbing, lass! That’s part of who you are! The point is you wanted to try, and even though you failed - I applaud your trying. Also, that self-punishment of yours was a fun thing to watch!”

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” I scream before regaining consciousness and realizing I’m back in the Chantry dungeon. The soldiers look half ready to run me through out of fear. The door bangs open and once more we start the repetitive journey to close the first rift and get to the forward camp after I make my outfit up.

When we charge with the soldiers, I manage to live through the assault and close the Rift with no dying or serious injury.

No, my hurt comes from a rather judgemental tone and look Cullen gives me when Cassandra says I was responsible for closing the rift. I never thought I would see such a harsh stare from him directed at anyone except for nobles or Chancellor Roderick

In fact, it doesn’t even feel like he wants to register that I’m here. He didn’t say his normal lines, and just told Lady Cassandra the way was clear before helping that injured soldier. And given how I am a big Cullen fangirl, that hurts. Like really bad for some reason. Maybe I’m just being paranoid or feeling a little out of place because he’s so hot. I mean, I met Johnny Young Bosch once and I was terrified of him for no reason other than I really liked him.

Besides, hello? Warzone! I’m sure he’ll be a lot better and more Cullen once I can stabilize the Breach and we officially meet.

Yeah. Definitely. It will all be better once this mess is done with.


	12. Where's God Mode When I Need It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am not a fighter.

You know I’ve always wondered where this point of the explosion was when it came to the Temple of Sacred Ashes. And even though I haven’t played Dragon Age Origins in a while, I’ve always wondered if it was that second large chamber. You know the one that you go to with the guys lining the sides that you enter before you head deeper into the mountain?

I’ve also wondered if I would be lucky enough to never know what dead bodies not messed with by a mortician smell like.

Well, although the first one will never be answered because the damage to the area was far too bad, I can at least say I honestly did not smell the dead bodies that were unlucky enough to have been killed in the blast because they are forever locked in place in their death throes.

They didn’t look real even though I knew they were, and I found myself wanting to touch one of them. Solas grabbed my hand before I could, giving me a stern yet kind shake of the head. Pressing my lips together, I apologize and pull my hand away.

“The Breach is a long way up,” Varric comments and I nod. I look at Cassandra. “I don’t know if this will work exactly but maybe if we’re lucky, I can stabilize it.”

“What makes you so certain it will only stabilize?” Solas asks, and I just look up at the sky, shaking my head. “I just have a bad feeling,” I tell him not wanting to go into more details. Leliana and her men arrive, and we all get into position while I hear the lovely lines of Corypheus and Divine Justinia as well as the red lyrium discussion.

“Well isn’t this a lovely gathering of fine ne’er do wells?”

I stop dead in my tracks and stare up open mouthed at the same damn voice which has been speaking to me every now and then since I started looping. Where do I know that voice from?!

“You mind if I borrow this thing for a moment?” I hear the mystery voice say and then I hear me shouting, “Oh FUCK THAT!”

Naturally Cassandra starts interrogating me and much like the game’s heroine, I cannot answer her questions because I don’t have a fucking clue. Solas goes into that whole open it and then seal it properly spiel and everyone gets ready. I opened the rift and out popped that fucking massive mountain of a Pride Demon.

Holy fuck this battle killed me so many times, so I’ll just give you a run down:

2 times I was slammed against a wall by the creature’s arm.

3 times I was electrocuted.

2 times I lost my footing with a ground slam and got ripped to pieces by a some shades.

1 time I was accidentally shot by one of the archers on the high wall.

I finally don’t die by using a method I like to call the sap and dodge dance where I take a bit from the rift and dodge attacks. Disrupt it as best I can and then get the hell away from danger. As long as I try not to fight and serve as a distraction so the real fighters can kick ass and take names, I live.

And let me tell you: it has never felt so satisfying to see that fucking Pride Demon fall, or that first rift seal properly, than it did right then before the sweet embrace of unconsciousness took me to its bosom.


	13. The Mysterious Voice Is Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you notice the tag change? Did you? Bet you did. Bet you're also wondering why.... Well so am I. Welcome to my hell.
> 
> P.S. I can't tell is this is karmic or just freaking insane.

“Congratulations, Lass! you managed to make it through your first boss fight!”

I’m standing in the middle of a very pretty room, one of those high backed wing chairs facing a stone fireplace with absolutely no clue where I am. “Um, thanks, I think,” I say looking around.

“Still, I’m certain if you’d had more time and skills you could have downed that demon faster than it took you,” the owner of the voice said as I saw his hand move into view. His sleeve. I swear I’ve seen that cloth and pattern before. “Still confused about who I am, Lass? And here you were such a fan before!”

“Before?” I echoed. So I have met this guy, or have at least seen him somewhere before? How?!

“Oh, you enjoy watching clips of me on Youtube and the like,” the voice explained. “You especially like that one line. What was it? A fox, a butterfly, a severed head and the CHEESE!”

Oh fuck... I know who this is!

My hands cover my mouth in shock and horror. “There’s no fucking way,” I say in a small voice, but when the chair turns around shows the man sitting there inside it, I have no doubts. It’s Sheogorath. Daedric Prince and God of Madness.

“Greetings!” he says with that exuberance I’ve always found charming if not completely unsettling at this moment, giving me a flourishing bow. “A fine pleasure to finally make your official acquaintance!”

I am speechless. So many words. So many questions. But I’m reduced to single syllables. “How?” I ask, my hands going up in the air as I try to sort through what is happening. .

“Easy: I’m a god! I can do all kinds of things!” he declared with a joyful grin. “Are you hungry?”

I’m opening and closing my mouth like a fucking fish outta water and Sheogorath-

“Please call me Shay!”

Okay, Shay summons a table lined with some really tasty looking food on it and two chairs. “Have a seat and dig in! Don’t worry, all of it’s all natural so you won’t be having one of those allergy attacks I know you can get.”

Uttering my thanks but looking really weirded out, I grab a plate and fill it with food. “Would you like something to drink?” he asks as I sit down. “What would you like? I know all your favorites!”

Somehow I did not doubt that. “Let’s see: what would be good with what you’ve grabbed! Ah yes!” He conjures a nice large pint glass of chilled Cranberry Boston Iced Tea while I stare at the scene in front of me. He gives the drink to me in a 1980’s Strawberry Shortcake themed glass. I’m strangely impressed by that.

“Well it was either that or the original Care Bears, and I figured you would like something you haven’t been able to see as of yet,” he says as I nod in agreeance. Makes sense.

“This isn’t gonna kill me or make me sick like it did in that one episode of Supernatural I saw, or you know like what happened with the pomegranate seeds to Persephone, right?” 

That is probably a very rude question but I needed to know.

“Nope! That would be so boring and stupid! Besides if I wanted to kill you, why would I keep bringing you back to life? Besides, you and I both know I appreciate a good meal as much as you do! Now eat your food! We’ve got things to discuss and dancing to do.”

Dancing?

“Oh come on, Lass! You love a good dance!”

Yeah, but it’s normally just me doing random movements and dancing with myself. “Well for the first time since you were teenager, you’re gonna be groovin’ with a partner!” Shay declares, holding up his wine glass. I klink my glass to his in a toasting motion and take a sip of my drink and a bite from my meal. Well at least the food’s good.

“So, I’m guessing you’re wondering why you’re here and what’s going on!”

I nod, using my best manners in front of him. Can’t be talking with my mouth full now can I?

“Well you see, I got bored and lonely and you’ve been playing and going on and on about how Skyrim was so much better than Dragon Age, but yet you still kept playing it. It was ridiculous! I used to have so much fun watching you try and add in all those mods in Skyrim. Even when you failed with those erotic ones - Sanguine loves your tastes by the way - you were always so darn into what you were doing here.”

“Sanguine as in the Daedric Prince of Debauchery?” I ask. I know I don’t need to say anything out loud since he can obviously understand it but…

“Aye, the man LOVES it when you get immersed in all that stuff! I mean, the hours you put into watching the GMVS of sex lab mods alone-”

I wave my hands in the air as embarrassment causes my face to turn beet red. I’m having a mental breakdown and have completely lost my mind. Yes, that has to be it.

“As appropriate as that would be with me around, no, my Lass. You are still quite as functional crazy as you were before I plucked you of your pit couch in the living room and whisked you away to that sub-par world you’ve been going mad over!”

“You’re not supposed to be real,” I protest. “Just the really funny awesome crazy character who loves cheese and doing weird stuff.”

“And yet here I am having a very nice dinner date with you! Isn’t life funny that way?” he asks, grinning like the Cheshire Cat from Alice and Wonderland. He has a point. 

“Okay but why me? I’m just a-”

“Overweight mortal woman with plain features who can barely fight her way out of a paper bag and is incredibly clueless yet enjoys a large amount of smut while having no sex or relationship experience?”

Well that was… strangely specific.

“Do ye really have to ask, Lass? I’m helping you have a great adventure! And making you pay for dumping me.”

Dumping him?

“Of course! After all those hours you spent in character creator and running around stealing all that stuff! Using the console commands to do so much mayhem and hilarity! Watching hours of Let’s Play videos by Youtubers even when it was boring and nothing was going on, you stayed with it! Until Dragon Age Inquisition came along. And then suddenly it was all about Cullen, and Solas, and that big cow man with horns!”

“The Iron Bull?”

“That’s the one! You suddenly were in love with all these characters while you were still going on and on about how much you missed Skyrim. And how if Inquisition just had this and this it would be good!”

Not gonna lie: that is most definitely something I have said repeatedly. But dumping him? He made it sound like we were dating. Obsessive over Skyrim maybe, but I never had dirty thoughts or anything like that involving Sheo- I’m sorry, Shay here.

“It’s the principal of the thing, Lass! Besides what else are you gonna do? Your life is boring! The only entertainment you have is writing your fan fictions, playing video games, and enjoying food. You need some adventure, romance! Finally pop that cherry and have mind blowing sex like you read and write about. Find love and have a relationship with something other than a vibrator.”

Oh God. “Could you please not say it like that?” I beg him. These are things I’ve more than once thought about, but hearing them out loud… it’s definitely not cool. Especially by someone you thought wasn’t real but are currently eating dinner with.

“Don’t worry about it: I’m sure you’ll hear even stranger things or say them as time goes on! The filter on your brain has a tendency to go missing and I love it!”

Well I’m glad I can entertain him for a while. “So Shay (oh lord that is weird to say) what is it you exactly want out of this besides obviously making me pay for unknowingly dumping you?” I ask. I really needed to figure out what exactly I should expect. “And why is the Anchor on my foot and not on my hand?”

“Well you wouldn’t take the orb when I gave it to you, so I dropped it on your foot!”

Well at least I didn’t soccer kick it at Corypheus head like I thought I did. “And you were interfering with the ritual why?”

“Well you couldn’t do it.”

I pressed my lips together. “That is absolutely true, I definitely could not have interrupted that ritual from my couch. Where I was asleep. In the real world. But what are you getting out of dragging me into this position?!”

He looked up thoughtfully as if he was seriously trying to figure that out. “Oh right! Entertainment!” he declared. “Even the repetitive bits are fun to watch, and you flail about so beautifully that I can’t help but want to watch! Except for the parts where you’re in the bathroom. We’ll take those parts out!”

Take those parts out?!

“You know: make it so you don’t have to poop or pee! Oh, and I’ll make it so you don’t get pregnant too whenever you decide to let yourself get into the carnal side of the game! Also, I’m going to make sure your body keeps the skills you gain after you die and time loops back, so you get to keep more than just all your knowledge on hand. That should help you out.”

There are no words.


	14. This Place Is Starting To Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this place?!

Waking up in Haven is rather surreal.

I of course am too weirded out to do much altering of the normal conversation between me and that poor elven woman who I never find out the name of in the game. She leaves and I’m stuck in the cabin to explore it.

To my amusement, I’m back in my “starting outfit” again: The long peach colored night shirt I got from a high end plus size women’s store several years ago when we had saved enough money to buy some nicer and better quality stuff than what you find at Walmart.

I take a quick awkward whiff of myself, but don’t think I smell. And my hair feels clean and brushed, so apparently I’ve been bathed at least once during my tenure into the land of unconsciousness. And my teeth feel clean too. I really hope they used a cleansing spell on me, because I do not want to know how they managed to brush my teeth while I was in a coma.

“And my robe is missing,” I say out loud as I search the cabin for my clothes. “Great.”

It appears I will be making the trek to the Chantry barefooted and in my nightgown because the drawers and chests are all locked, and Cassandra wants to see me in the Chantry. At once, she said.

The walk is really painful and slow, and Cassandra and everyone can go fuck themselves on the poles lining Haven’s walls if they think i’m doing this shit a second time. Especially when I hear more than one Chantry member comment on my lack of clothes and footwear and how fat I am.

And I’m supposed to be saving these assholes?!

Also, Cassandra isn’t exactly defending me as much as doing a poor job of placating Chancellor Roderick who is yelling about how I need to be taken to Val Royeaux. What the fuck, Cassandra?!  _ You were written better than this!  _ I practically scream inside my head as she fails to remark about the Chantry’s founding principals.

With a sigh, I open the door and luckily Cass still has the balls to order the soldiers not to follow Roderick’s demands to have me put in chains. I roll my eyes and look to the ceiling for strength as the chancellor goes on about how I killed the Divine, and how I should be taken to the capitol to be put on trial.

My legs and feet hurt too much and I am too cold to tell him what he can do with all his accusations, and he finally leaves in a huff. We do the whole dance about how they need my help. What really aggravates me is when Leliana says to me how it would be the best choice for me to help them.

First off, they’re supposed to be trying to make me feel wanted and not in danger.

Second, why the fuck is she sounding like that’s a threat? I’m in a nightgown and have every intention of helping them!

My sudden writing of her in a bad light seems rather satisfying at the moment.  _ I’ve had you raped and tortured by red templars, Bitch, _ I think as I nod my response to their “offer”. And right now? Not sorry a fucking iota.

Next time loop, I’m gonna fucking make sure I speak my mind because this is not gonna fly. I don’t like where this world is going, or the fact that these people I’ve liked for so long are acting like douches and numbskulls.

And I have not taken any medicine to help make sure I can deal with being surrounded by douches and numbskulls.


	15. Excuse Me For Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My fan girl gets another wound to her feelings and I'm starting to wish I had never come here.

Remember back when I met Cullen for the first time and I felt like he was being rude, but I didn’t want to believe it was anything but me being paranoid? Well it turns out I was wrong.

“She’s far too fat to fit in any normal armor, and we’ve already been forced to sacrifice necessary materials to clothe her. How many more tents and pieces of armor are you going to use so our massive Herald stays covered and decent?!”

What feeling would describe my reaction to hearing him say those words from outside the war room? Painful does not begin to cover the hurt in my heart. It only got worse. “And from my reports, she’s not just ridiculously fat but inept on the field! How many got hurt because she couldn’t do anything but stand around?”

I tense up and sneak glance at Cassandra, who at least has the courtesy to flush with embarrassment. I hear Josephine speak up, and she’s only slightly better than Cullen. “In spite of her rather rotund form, she is the only hope we have to seal the Breach completely and close the rifts. So we will have to make the sacrifices.”

“You honestly think my men should have to bunk up 3 to a tent because some girl who likes to stuff her face more than learn how to fight-”

Cassandra blessedly opens the door to the war room and their conversation ends quickly. Too bad it’s not quick enough to stop me from doing everything I can not to cry and run back to my cabin. I’m pretty sure that the three people in the room guess Cassandra and I heard what they’d said. Not that they were up to addressing it or even handing out a fake apology.

Apparently, my advisors decided to just go about their business and discuss what I know from playing the game and make introductions. I deal with it, remaining quiet more often than not with a nod as my replies. I don’t wanna be in this room.

I don’t wanna be in this place anymore.

And after I leave the room to head back to my cabin, Cullen doesn’t even wait to make sure that I’m out of earshot before he goes back into insulting me with his observations.

For the first time in my life, I find myself hating Cullen Stanton Rutherford and wishing I’d played an evil Inquisitor just once so I can have the memories of watching him slowly suffer from lyrium.


	16. When All Else Fails, Piss Off Solas!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because the Dread Wolf is easy to predict and I'm feeling self-destructive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sheer amount of positive feedback I'm getting from you guys is phenomenal! I love you guys and am so glad you guys like it. I'm releasing at least one new chapter a day from now on until I get low on written stuff. For some reason this thing is practically writing itself.

With the words I hear still ringing in my brain, I don’t even want to explore Haven or do any of the activities the MC is supposed to do here. Preferably, I would like to curl up and die, but that would mean doing all that shit again. And right now, I don’t think I can take the option of ladders versus re-meeting Cullen.

Who I now know it wasn’t my paranoia making me think he didn’t like me.

And Cassandra? Where the fuck was that hard assed bitch with a heart of gold who I had grown to admire and want to be like on the battlefield?

I don’t even know how I make it back to my cabin, or how long I am in there stewing in my own aggravation and self pity before I hear someone knocking on the door. Oh goodie! Maybe it’s an assassin - no, it’s Solas.

Why is it Solas?

Oh yeah… Mark on my ha- wait nevermind, foot.

He looks at my face which is flushed and tear-streaked and shifts uncomfortably. “Is this a bad time?” he asks. I sniffle and move back to let him inside. “I was hoping you were an assassin or someone here to kill me.”

He steps in and closes the door behind him, a slightly concerned look on his face. “That does not sound like a healthy view to have,” he observes. I let out a wry chuckle. “Oh you have no idea!” I declare. “I’m gonna level with you, and if I’m lucky you can end my life after I spill everything I know about you!”

He raises an eyebrow at my words and I smile. I’m smack dab in that part of my depression cycle where I’m about to become really self-destructive again. I recognize the signs, but I no longer give a shit. Maybe next time I will care about all this if Shay sees fit to loop me once more. If not, may the sweet embrace of death take me to its arms for good.

“Once upon a time in Arlathan, you were a general of Mythal’s armies. According to Dalish legends you are Fen’Harel, the one who tricked the Creators or Enavuris and sealed them away. But the truth is you started the rebellion because they killed Mythal. And because they’d all gone bat shit crazy, you created the Veil and their asses are currently in prison somewhere. The thing that blew up the Conclave and caused this mark on my foot? Your orb. When you woke up a year ago you were too weak to unlock the power it contained. So using your agents, the orb found it’s way to Corypheus where you had hoped after unlocking it he would die and you could just pick it up and go about tearing the veil down. But your a fucking idiot because-”

My words stop because I am paralyzed. Completely. And Solas is  _ pissed _ . Like I just killed Wisdom and several other spirit friends- pissed. I can’t breathe and I think my paralysis has hit every part of my body. “You are correct,” he says. “I think I shall kill you before you say anything else.”

And he does.

I am transported back to the beginning and into the Chantry dungeon with Shay’s lovely voice telling me, “That, Sweet Lass, was a beautiful way to commit suicide!”

Glad to be of service, Lord Shay. Glad to be of service.


	17. These Games Immortals Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And a new familiar face joins us! Why? Because gods are weird.

I’m gonna learn how to climb those ladders just so I don’t have to deal with fucking Cullen and his judgemental face. Also, Solas killed me twice instead of letting me seal the first rift, and I am DAMN sure it was not an accident.

Is he trapped in my time loop now too? He shouldn’t have that much power! I ask Shay about this after I die the third time at the first rift seal.

“Apparently, an old friend of mine decided you needed to have some assistance,” he explains. The look of confusion on my face adequately expresses my feelings on this as I ask, “Which one of the Daedric Princes thought bringing Solas into this loop was a good idea?!”

“Poor girl, you really think it’s only they that would perform such feats?” comes a familiar voice from behind me.

Oh you have got to be kidding me.

“Flemeth,” I say without even turning around.

“Mythal,” she corrects.

I turn around and look at her. “I could go with your voice actor and call you Captain Janeway if you wanna play that game,” I say. I’m not feeling rather polite right now. Her dearest friend has been inducted into my time loop and has gotten me killed several times. She laughs and I will admit, I do love it even if it is rather creepy. “You’ve got far more spirit in you than you let on, Girl,” she compliments. “You may call me Flemeth as you wish.”

Now I feel slightly bad, and nod my head as an apologetic smile plays on my face. “Thank you. Now why did you drag him into the time loop?” I ask and Flemeth goes over to the table where it’s still stocked with delicious food. “Is this what they call tacos?” she asks looking over the flour tortillas stuffed with ground beef and all the fixings.

“Yeah, American style with flour tortillas instead of corn,” I inform her. “You put Solas in in my time loop?”

“Messy foods are sometimes the tastiest. Did you copy all these from her mind?” Flemeth asks Shay, clearly ignoring me.

I am about to lose my mind. “Flemeth, will you please answer my question?” I clench my hand into a fist to help me focus on the subject, but Flemeth is busy concentrating on the exotic foods and drinks. I let out a very loud shout filled with obscenities and insults that actually make the ground shake.

I went from angry to freaked out in ten seconds while Shay starts laughing with joy and pride. “There’s the power!” he declares as Flemeth looks at me with a rather pleased smile. “So it looks like you are finally coming into it.”

I am so tired of these games. Not Skyrim or Dragon Age, but the mental ones these immortal beings are playing at my expense. This is why people become agnostic. “Coming into what?” I ask.

“When someone is reborn they amass a small amount of power from the Fade to their soul. And the more they are reborn, the stronger it becomes. It is a dance of repeated steps and well worn grooves.”

Realization hits me. “Are you telling me I have died so many times I managed to fucking become a mage?” I demand. I wake up in the Chantry dungeon before either of them can tell me more.


	18. Powers and Pains in My Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no end in sight except irritation.

To say having magic now is even harder on me is an understatement. Offensive magic aside from a mind blast or possibly force magic (hey look ma: I’m a Jedi!) is a bust, so no elemental attacks for me. Which is sad because I so want to learn how to electrocute or set fire to a certain ex-templar, and egg lord, and most of everyone else around here.

Much like all those online quizzes I’ve taken over the years to pass time have told me, I suspect healing and support magic are going to be my forte. Maybe if I’m lucky I can learn fade step. If I’m really lucky maybe I can add frost, lightning, or fire to that fade step and passively attack my enemies.

I’m back in the dark spot between time loops having a snack with Shay after my latest death: I accidentally hit Cullen with some force magic and he used a holy smite on me. Which left me vulnerable to fall on a very sharp piece of stone that was not there before.

“Your precious Dread Wolf is an asshole, Flemeth!” I say to the woman. I’m starting to feel like Caffeine but without the bad ass combat and magic skills.

“I will have a word with him,” she assures me as she bites into a corn dog. I sigh, shaking my head. “He’s not gonna listen and you know it. I’ve seen the post game credits sequence. And speaking of which: how the hell are you here?! He absorbs the Mythal spirit and leaves you a dried up husk!”

“Don’t worry about it as it will merely cause more pain to your head,” she says. “Besides, would it not be more entertaining to focus on how you’ve managed to make the walks so many times. Have you not noticed how much easier your breathing is?”

I pause in mid bite of my salad. I had not noticed it, but the treks had gotten a lot easier the more I’d cycled through the loops. I mean I still can’t fight, but the dodging and running out of harm's way is definitely more simple than it was before I began this mess. Of course, I’ve pretty much lost count of how many times I’ve died.

“I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight or size though,” I observe. Not that I want to lose any of it. I may complain a lot, but there are parts of my body I like. And if I lose weight, the fun parts could be gone as well as the ones I don’t like.

“Don’t worry, Lass! You’re always gonna be a bit on the larger side of the female spectrum. You were born to be a big woman, built like a brick house! Sturdy and solid!”

I think that’s a compliment but then again, I can hardly ever tell nowadays. I should probably start trusting my gut more.


	19. Don't Care If He's Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just don't.

Apparently, Flemeth can somehow convince Solas to get his act in gear. Or at least make it look like he is behaving like the mature reasonable ancient elf he is supposed to. Doesn’t mean I’m trusting him within six feet of me. I’ll learn how to control my magics on my own.

Taking a cue from a fanfic I’ve read, I manage to bypass the forward camp scene completely and head to the temple. I even manage to snub Cullen before I could feel the judgmental asshole looks he would have given me.

“A moment to catch our breath, Cutie-Pie?” Varric calls out to me and I stop in my tracks. “I don’t see why not,” I respond with a smile I can only feel him worth getting. “We’re almost at the center anyways.”

I’m not tired yet, more than focused on the impressive green walls of jagged stone near by. I’ve always wanted to touch something like that. It’s incredibly smooth and hard and I am in awe of it. Solas comes near me. And I can tell it’s him because his steps are light and there is no clang of armor, only the sound of the cup upon his pack. I sigh. “You’re really gonna kill me again?” I ask with a roll of my eyes. “Can you at least wait until I stabilize the breach before you do it?” He stops and I glance at him over my shoulder.

“I believe I may have gone too far in my dealings with you,” he says and I just scoff. “And how did Mythal convince you of that?” I ask, causing him to momentarily widen his eyes before looking away guiltily. “I would prefer not to say.”

“Of course you would.”

“I am honestly trying to apologize,” he insists, his eyes looking at me. Not good enough. The last thing I want to do is deal with a mass murdering ancient elf who broke my heart multiple times before I met him. I already have to deal with Cullen’s disdain and hateful side. I can’t stand to believe Solas is actually sorry.

I turn to head back to Varric and Cassandra, and he lightly grips my arm to stop me from walking away. I look at him, feeling more than a little tired and angry at this whole situation. “I did not know this would happen,” he said softly. “As I did not know enough about you.”

“You still know nothing about anything, Dread Wolf,” I respond, shaking him off and continuing my walk.

“Everything all right?” Varric asks with concern as he hands me a water skin. “He worries about the mark on my foot is all,” is my answer. I can be a decent liar when I try, and from the look on their faces, our other two companions believe me. I can still feel Solas’ eyes on my back as we head to the epicenter and deal with the Pride Demon.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Feeling a little miffed with the old elven lover?” Shay teases. No I hadn’t died, I was just in that spot of comatose between the stabilizing the rift and waking up in Haven. I pop a cheese stick in my mouth and groan with delight. God I love these. “He was never my lover,” I state firmly, savouring the fried cheese snack. “He wasn’t even real to me before all of this happened.”

“He was real enough that you loved him,” Shay says, taking a sip of his wine. I shrug in agreement. “Still never my lover. And he never will be.”

“Are you so certain?” Flemeth asks, appearing from who knows where. I raise my eyebrows at her. “As interesting as the breaking of lore and canon can be in fanfiction, Flemeth, the reality of it is I am human. I know way too much about him. I am not physically attractive. He will ultimately leave my ass to save the People. And to be honest: the only two people he can feel anything for 1 doesn’t exist in this universe and 2 is Mythal. And we both know what he’s gonna do if I can ever live long enough to defeat Corypheus. I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes Mythal’s power from you even if we manage to get his orb back to him in tact. I’ve read and written enough fanfiction to know how this ends, Flemeth.”

“If you insist. However, I am certain things are not so set in stone as you would like to think. After all, some part of you still very much loves the Wolf, don’t you?”

I nod, taking a drink of soda from my glass. “He’s very easy to fall in love with. I mean the man is smooth as fuck! He’s sexy, got a nice ass, quite fit, voice like sin, intelligent, and a good friend to those he truly wants to call friends. Yes I know: he has to keep his guard up and protect himself. Which is why it’s a good thing I will do my best to avoid getting near the line.”

“Oh, come on, Lass,” Shay says. “Will you not even try to get close to him?”

I shake my head. “Too scared to get hurt, Shay. Just like I always am.”

I wake up in my cabin in Haven within moments feeling sad.


	20. I Won't Let Myself Be Treated Like Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I find out that elven girl's name who shows up in my cabin and tell off Cassandra.

I swore I wasn’t heading to the fucking Chantry wearing only my night shirt again, and I’m not fucking doing it. I have died way too much to give into peer pressure.

When the extremely skittish elven woman who drops the thing she was carrying walks in and drops to her knees, I’m more prepared this time. “What’s your name?”

“L-Lisandra, my lady,” she stammers. So far so good. I sigh. “Alright Lisandra, can you do me a favor?”

“I am your humble servant and will do whatever I can to assist you, Lady Herald.”

That is a really weird thing to hear someone say when you’ve grown up poor to lower class all your life. “Do you know the robe I was wearing when I got back from the Temple?”

“Um, the one you made?”

I nod.

“It disappeared sometime while you were unconscious, my lady. I am sorry, but no one has been able to find it.”

Well, at least now I know what happened to it. “Thank you, Lisandra. Listen: I can’t leave this place until I get actual clothes. I hate to ask you to do this, but could you please get Cassandra to come to me?”

Lisandra looks up and nods. I can’t tell if she excited I’m specifically asking her to do this, or just happy with the idea of getting away from me. “I will do it at once,” she says with a smile and rushes out of the room before I can say anything else.

“And I never saw her again,” I mutter to myself as I scoot a little farther towards the wall while sitting on the bed, covering myself with a blanket. To be honest, I’m surprised I even got to have the half conversation we had out before she ran off. She was always so freaking scared in the one cutscene she was in that I barely could get any kind of feel for her.

I honestly wonder about her now. Was she a city elf who had been more than likely forced at one point to endure human cruelty? Was she an agent of Fen’Harel? Could she be a Qunari spy? I suppose I have plenty of time to let myself ask questions now since I’m stuck in this place without anything to distract me.

Cassandra finally arrives and she looks angry. “Why have you not come to the Chantry?” she demands. Oh that shit is not gonna fly with me this time. I flash her a sneer dripping with sarcasm. “Cassandra, are you aware I have no clothes or boots?” I ask.

She looks at me confused and I continue, “Apparently, the armor I made disappeared sometime after we returned to Haven while I was comatose.”

“Your sarcasm is not necessary.”

“You came in here demanding to know why I wasn’t in the Chantry after I woke up like a good little dog,” I remind her. There it is. The darkened flush of embarrassment and guilt as she tries to defend herself. “I did not intend-”

“No, you never do. Much like Roderick, and the Chantry, and everyone else does, you just assume that I killed the Divine in spite of there being not a single ounce of proof to these accusations. You all need someone to blame or use. Why not the poor fat girl who no one has a clue who she is, where she came from, or even gives a shit about?”

“I am certain you-”

“Don’t. Don’t even try. I know exactly what you all want. The breach is stable for now, right?”

She nods. “You don’t want me around, and I know for a fact that Commander Cullen has already had more than a few choice words about my appearance: how I look as well as how I had to take precious resources from the Inquisition to provide clothes for myself. Lady Montilyet is probably more than a little put out as well, but she’s at least more polite. And I won’t even start with what I think about Leliana’s lack of giving me at least something to cover up with as a replacement for my robe.”

Cassandra’s body tenses but I give no fucks. “I’ll help your little Inquisition save the world. But if you guys wanna treat me like shit while at the same time touting me as the only hope the world has? Well the whole lot of you can go fuck yourselves. I am a human  _ god damn _ being, and I deserve respect. And if you can’t treat me with even the slightest bit of decency, then you can get the fuck outta here and leave me alone!”

Cassandra’s face is beet red after listening to what I had to say, and I honestly wonder if I was spot on and she’d already been privy to several of the comments I mentioned from Cullen. She mutters something in what I only can think of being Nevarren, before turning around and leaving me alone in the cabin. I don’t know if I went too far, but god damn did that feel good!

Sighing in relief at being left alone once more, I locked the door and go back to my bed so I can stay warm. I think I’ll go back to sleep until something happens or someone comes by.


	21. Donations Appreciated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every little bit helps no matter where I am.

Someone knocks on my door, dragging me out of sleep’s loving arms and back to the waking world. “Knock twice if you’re an assassin!” I call out half joking. To be honest, I no longer give a shit if someone is here to kill me.

There’s a very long pause and I hear Lisandra’s nervous voice. “U-Um, My Lady? How many times do your servants knock?”

I like this girl. She asks the best questions. I open the door to let her in, and am surprised to find her holding a very large pile of stuff. And Varric and Solas are behind her helping? I try taking the things from her arms, but Lisandra is having none of that. So I just step back as the three of them carry everything into my cabin. “What in the blazes is this?” I ask, closing the door behind me.

“Certain individuals have proved generous enough to give you things so that you can make your own clothes,” Solas explains. I can’t exactly get a read on his expression, so I just concentrate on seeing what’s been given. Odds and ends of fabric bolts, several blankets and other various… things are piled about. Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph there’s no way I can make me anything with this stuff. Wait, maybe I can patchwork it?

Lisandra is looking at me expectantly, and my silence is obviously giving her the wrong idea. I smile trying to make her feel less upset. “Sorry, I’m not used to people’s generosity,” I tell her. Lisandra's eyes widen and she looks down in understanding. At least I think that’s understanding. She might be afraid of me again. “Thank you, Lisandra. Um can you please go deliver my thanks to the people who donated these items for me?”

The elf practically dances away with a huge smile, and I cannot help but shake my head. “There are no words,” I mutter. I turn to Varric and Solas who are doing their own looking about through this hodge podge. “I tell you, Cutie-Pie: If you can make something out of this then you are a miracle worker.”

I give a nervous chuckle. “Especially when I have no clue how to sew or make my own clothes outside of that one robe. And that was pure luck,” I explain. “Thanks guys for helping her carry all this in.”

“No problem. I had to see if you were still alive after the Seeker left here yesterday looking like she did.”

“Yesterday?” I asked in shock and confusion.

“It’s been a day and a half since she left your cabin. Did you not notice?”

“I went to sleep not long after she left,” I stated and the look that Varric gives me is pure horror. “Did you eat at all before the Seeker came to see you?” he asks. I give him a much less hostile version of the look Cassandra received and he looks me up and down. His lips form a “o” in realization and he starts to head towards the door. “You know what? I’m gonna go do something. See you later,” he says and leaves in a hurry.

Two down. One ancient elvhen to go.

Strange, I would have thought he would have been the first to get out of here. “Thanks, Solas for helping bring this to me,” I say not wanting to be rude, but still not wanting him to hang around. I don’t trust him and I don’t trust myself around him.

“It was my pleasure. However, I do not believe you will be able to make anything feasibly proper for protection or presentable for wearing in public.”

“I had to die and redo that robe several dozen times before I got it to the finished product that fit and helped me,” I told him. “I’ll probably have to die a lot more before I can get anything done with this.”

“And yet you accepted these gifts knowing this,” he says to me. I think he’s being condescending or mocking me for not telling Lisandra the truth. I shoot him an angry look and point towards the door. “I’m not in the mood to deal with people being douchebags to me,” I state. “You wanna be one, you can go fuck yourself with the rest of them.”

The look he’d been wearing disappeared and was replaced by an apologetic one. “I am sorry,” he said. “I forgot how you’ve been treated recently. That was unfair of me to act as if you were merely trying to placate the girl and were not being honestly grateful.”

“I  _ am _ grateful for this stuff,” I assure him as I begin to separate everything into piles. “I just don’t know what to make with it in terms of clothes. I don’t know really know how to sew and the stitches I  _ do _ know won’t exactly keep well.”

“Perhaps you can use magic,” Solas suggested and I shoot him a glare. “May I remind you, oh great one, that I just recently came into my magic and I’ve been dragged here from a place where none of this is supposed to be real?!”

“That does not mean you cannot be taught,” he responds, his hands clasping behind his back. He holds his head high in a manner befitting old royalty. Something he pretty much is to be honest. “I would be happy to-”

“Oh no!” I hold up my hands to stop him right there. “I do not trust myself around you any more than I trust you around me.”

“Are you afraid of me behaving untowards you in some way?”

“No, I’m afraid of my feelings for you clouding my judgement,” I tell him honestly. He was definitely  _ not _ expecting that answer. “I beg your pardon?” he asks.

“I love you with a passion, Dread Wolf, but I hate your guts just as much.”

_ This is not exactly appropriate conversation material. _

_ Do I fucking care anymore? _

_ Nope. _

“I-” he stammers and clears his throat. “I think I shall take my leave of you now.”

I nod, returning my focus to the items in front of me, and not paying attention to him anymore. The sun is setting and I will have to go to sleep again soon. After all: my fire is out because I slept so long and until the darkness is gone, I can’t work on anything. I have to try and figure out what I can make with all this while I still have light. I barely hear the door click and lock as Solas leaves me alone.

Yes, I am aware I made a clumsy confession to him. But I’m suffering from so much shell shock and depression from my utter lack of having viable skills in this world, that I no longer care.

I think I’ve reached the level of my give a damn’s busted with most everyone.


	22. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have a hard time making something out of these gifts.

I was getting nowhere fast with making myself an outfit. And if it weren’t for Varric and Lisandra, I would have frozen or starved to death inside my cabin. To be honest, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing, except I’m about ready to kill myself just to take a break from this insanity.

Lisandra I think just treats me well because I’m supposedly touched by Andraste or the Maker, and her helping me out makes her feel important. Or if she doesn’t help she’ll get the Maker’s Wrath called upon her.

Varric quizzes me for any information I can give him, and though I’m careful with what I say and keep most of my shared info to a minimum, I still give him enough bits to keep him entertained. I’m torn between feeling like he wants to be my friend, or he’s trying to get info for another book to write.

I’m just so grateful for even a small amount of kindness, that I really don’t care if he’s using me or not.

Lisandra coaxes the fire to a good slow burn for the night as I sit cross legged on the floor, surrounded by patches of fabric I managed to salvage and arrange into a pattern while I double check a couple of my drawings. “So what are you making, My Lady?” she asks.

“I’m gonna try and make myself a dress or another robe,” I explain. “Unfortunately I don’t know how to do that…”

“Have you never made clothes for yourself?”

I shake my head. “Where I come from cloth is expensive and it’s cheaper for people to buy clothes already made. I never really was blessed enough to have a clue how to sew either.”

“But the robe you made in prison you wore when stabilizing the sky was of a most excellent tailorship!” the young woman insists. I look at her feeling guilty. “I used tent fabric, rope, and pants legs. It was a pure spur of the moment inspired by a lack of no pants fitting me.”

Still Lisandra seemed to believe my earlier success was a blessing of the Maker, and I did not have the heart to tell her otherwise. After she collects my dirty dishes and leaves me for the night, I sigh and get to my feet. “If I was Nicky I could just wish myself some workable attire,” I grumble as I stretch my body, popping out all the knots and kinks that have accumulated from sitting in one place for so long.

Of course if I was Nicky, I would be surrounded by people who actually like me. I shake my head. “Don’t focus on your fanfiction or OCs,” I tell myself. “You’ll just make yourself even more pissed off. You make the most amazingly overpowered heroines to compensate for your lack of skill and ability, and to make yourself feel better. You’ll never be like them.”

It was true. They were all slender or at least physically fit with some form of attractiveness or quality that makes them likable. I make glorious Mary Sues because I will never be one. Being here in Thedas makes it abundantly clear how much better things would be if one of my girls were here instead.

But they’re not. It’s me. Plain, boring, unskilled me.

I shake my head. “At least I know where I’m starting from,” I say and crawl into bed.

Too bad when I wake up things go back to being a cluster fuck of chaos and confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In reality it's a beautiful day outside and yet all want to do is sleep. What's worse is I have to go pick up things from the store and my meds refill. I hate not having a car.


	23. The Chantry Kills Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kidnapped and tortured are the specials on today's menu.

Sometime in the night I got grabbed and am now shackled, not only by my arms, but also my legs with a collar around my neck. A fucking iron collar! The fact I’m being taken somewhere in one of those caged wagons also does not bode well for me.

“Stay away from the bars, demon whore,” a guard hisses at me even though I’m not even remotely close to them. And really? Demon whore?! I’m a 35 year old virgin whose sexual experience comes from romance novels, smutty fanfiction, porn, and hentai. I have a feeling I know exactly where these assholes are taking me. The question is, how did they manage to get me? And who hired them?

“Who did it?” I ask. “Was it Chancellor Roderick that orchestrated this?”

“Be silent,” snaps another of the guards.

“Why? So you don’t have to answer questions?”

They are silent and I scoff. “Had to have been him. Only one with enough Chantry power to pull something like this off. Unless either Lady Nightingale or Seeker Pentaghast decided they could close all those rifts without me.”

Still no one said anything. “It would be far too much of a diplomatic pain to hand me over to the Chantry for the Ambassador. Honestly, can’t say what Commander Cullen would gain by this. So logic dictates that Roderick is in charge of this abduction.”

“You killed the Divine and shall face punishment,” a third guard states.

“Because I bear a mark on my foot? The same one holding magic that helped tear the sky open?!” I hiss. “News flash you assholes: I wasn’t at the Conclave, and I sure as hell didn’t kill anyone! Everyone’s just looking for a scapegoat and the Chantry has decided it was me.”

“The Council will decide your guilt. Until then you will remain silent.”

“The Council will torture me into confessing a crime I never committed, and then have me publicly executed as a heretic. Meanwhile, the fucking world will be torn asunder and everyone is going to die. Why don’t you do everyone a favor and kill me now? There’s at least one of you that would love to put a blade to my throat. I’m guessing the fucktard who called me a demon whore will be the most eager!”

I slam my shackles on the bars in anger and the guard in question unsheathes his sword. “Do it!” I taunt hoping he will. I really don’t look forward to taking part in something I’ve read in history books and watched in historical period pieces. But his fellow guards stop him from running me through.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

What happens to me is the most painful and excruciating experience I will ever know. I will not go into the gruesome details of what they did to me. I will not describe in detail about them ripping my fingernails out one by one, or them breaking bones only to heal them and break them again. Almost anything you want to imagine they did, you can read about in books or watch historical pieces.

And even when I am tempted to tell them what they want me to say, I remember that will do nothing for me. They will still torture me and kill me but with “proof” of my guilt.

I was so close to dying so many times, but pulled back from the relief just before it happened. “Are you still entertained, Lord Sheogorath?” I ask bitterly as I spit out another tooth that has become dislodged from a beating I received. I don’t hear him say anything, so maybe it can only happen when I’m unconscious or in the dark place.

I am soon dragged outside, my legs unable to walk because of the damage they received the night before. “People of Val Royeaux,” a female voice cries out, and I recognize it as the bitch who gets her head busted by the templar infected with red lyrium. “We all mourn our beloved Divine Justinia. Her naive and beautiful heart destroyed by treachery.”

The only thing you mourn is the fact you aren’t higher up on the Chantry food chain you hateful bitch, I think as I’m half dragged, half carried to the scaffolding where nooses hang. There’s more than once voice whispering or making horrified noises at my appearance.

“But no more shall justice be denied!” the woman decrees. “We have found her to be a creature of lies and heretical vision through divine and just investigation.”

“You. Tortured. Me!” I scream at the Chantry bitch. “You call breaking my bones, beating me, doing things that would make demons cringe in disgust, divine investigations?! You’re nothing but a bunch of grandstanding, overzealous hypo-“

I’m backhanded by a guard to shut me up, much to the appalled sounds of the crowd. “Do not let her foul words sway your hearts, Good People,” the Chantry mother says. “We have done nothing that the Maker would not have allowed to happen. For it is by his guidance that we determined her treachery and evil.”

I shake my head, knowing damn well how false that was. The guards attempt to get me up long enough so they can wrap a noose around my neck, but find it damn near impossible. So they force me onto my knees, and I know they’ve changed the method of death to beheading.

“Let all those here bear witness to the end of this heretic, and with her death justice for our Divine.”

I’m actually praying for the sword to hurry up.

Unfortunately, this is when Cassandra, Leliana, Cullen, Josephine, Solas, and Varric all come rushing to my rescue. “By order of the Hands of the Divine, you will release that woman!” Cassandra shouts.

“Your Inquisition has no power here, and you are all traitors to the Divine!” the Chantry mother shouts. “Seize them!” 

It’s kind of hard to see because one of my eyes is swollen shut, but the lack of movement or metal sounds has me convinced that no one has made a move towards the leaders of the Inquisition.

“Are you mad?!” the revered mother shouts. “I order you to apprehend those criminals!”

“But my Lady,” says a familiar voice, one I recognize belonging to Ser Barris of the Templars. “They are the Divine’s right and left hands. You cannot be serious to accuse them-”

“I order to you arrest them! They are as guilty of murdering the Divine as that heretic! They should be taken and killed alongside that thing there! You doubt my words?!”

Yeah. They really did. Of course, it also didn’t help that ‘Lord Seeker Lucius’ and his infected templars showed up and officially declared Val Royeaux unworthy of templar protection after mocking and berating me in front of everyone watching.

Naturally, I’m too wounded and in so much pain that I can’t tell anyone that he’s actually an envy demon. The guards who were to kill me basically walk off and leave me lying on the scaffolding while Solas and the others rush to my aid.

“By the Maker, what did they do?” Cassandra asks, horror deep within her voice. I can feel Solas glaring at her. “Exactly what any organization with enough power will do to those viewed as guilty, Seeker: they punished her. And unfortunately, what they have used is beyond what magicks I have at my command to heal.”

“This would never have happened if she had just come out of her cabin.”

_ What the fuck, Cullen?! Really?! _

“Hey, Curly: in case you forgot or hadn’t noticed, she didn’t exactly have anything to wear but a nightshirt.”

_ God bless you, Varric _ .

But Commander Asshole wasn’t done yet. “I was under the impression that our Ambassador had managed to procure her the necessary items needed, or had arranged for some kind of seamstress to make her some clothes.”

“An arrangement that was not put in until the very day we found out her abduction, Commander,” Josephine shouted. “You were the one who refused to let your soldiers give the requisition officer the supplies I had requested to have her clothed temporarily!”

“My soldiers will not go without because of some-”

Their voices are getting fainter, and I feel Solas’ lap under my head. When did that happen? I wonder. “It will be over soon,” he promised. I smile softly. “You put poison on the open wounds, didn’t you?” I murmur.

“I felt it would be kinder than to let you recover from this.”

I feel his hand on my head and chuckle. “Thank you, Solas.”

He whispers something in ancient elvhen as I slip away peacefully into oblivion.


	24. Another Voice For The Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew I would suffer lingering mental effects from such a violent death, but this was not one I was expecting!

“It went too far that time!”

I blink rather surprised at it being Flemeth’s voice I hear to greet me upon entering Shay’s Room. “She belongs to the world beyond us - she is not a doll of fiction you can let be tortured without consequences.” 

**_Yes, talk to her like she's not here. That always goes well._ **

“The Lass is fine!” Shay declares and turns to look at me, his eyes giving me a once over. “Well, more or less. Besides: Her body will be stronger against poison and pain now! And look at the determination on her face!” 

**_It you could see my face, it'd be unimpressed. If you could read my mind, it would be a Gordon Lightfoot song._ **

“That is not determination, you fool! It is dismissal and anger,” Flemeth snaps. I glance at her before I fill a plate with food and grab a can of soda. Sheogorath waves his hands in the air dismissively as I sit down at my usual seat at the table. To be honest, I don’t even care if they talk about me like I’m not here. The food’s good.

**_Can't go wrong with food. Seriously you really can't, but still rude_ ** **.**

_ Okay, you are not any of the regular voices in my head. Who the fuck?! _

**_I’m Batman, clearly._ **

_ Oh fuck off. _

“She doesn’t dream like normal folks, so she won’t be having nightmares about it! Let it go, Mythal,” he says in that jovial tone he’s known for. But there’s something underlying it. Is he warning her to back off? And when the hell did I start picking up subtle undertones? 

**_It's the excitement. Maybe. I don't know._ **

_ Go away. _

The woman makes a sound and walks over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. Okay, not used to this kind of affection from Flemeth. “She gets put in a situation like that again, Sheogorath, and I’ll be taking her from you until you learn to treat your original souls better. They are not so easy to fix as the ones from whence we came. Or do you not recall?”

Wait what? 

**_I'm 70% sure she might be a little insane in the membrane._ **

“Enjoy your meal, Kathleen,” Flemeth tells me. “Take heed of my warning, Sheogorath.”

She disappears and I’m left alone with the Prince of Madness and my food. 

**_A bit dramatic, don't you think?_ **

_ Would you go away?! _

**_Never! This is my home now, and I shall rule this corner over here. You can't see me pointing, but I'm pointing._ **


	25. Voices in My Head

I have a lot rage in me right now.

Seeing Cassandra and Leliana’s stupid faces, the hurl of unspoken accusations while interrogating me makes the whole “I just got tortured by Chantry officials” death fresh in my mind.

“Fuck. Off.”

**_Preach it! I mean, ha yes!_ **

_Oh God! You’re still in here?!_

**_Of course I am, silly willy._ **

Cassandra makes to grab my foot, and I mind blast her and everyone in my vicinity away from me. I would later be impressed with that. “Don’t you fucking lay a god damned hand on me, Cassandra Pentaghast, you weak willed Maker loving cunt! And you, Leliana! You’re supposed to be the fucking spymaster of the Inquisition and know what the Divine was up to! Where the fuck were all her guards?! Where was all her protection?!”

**_I'm nodding in approval in case you don't notice._ **

Cassandra smites me and I am left drained of my mana and lying on the floor, seething. I’m cold, and the stone floor is rough. A hand grabs me by the back of my head, using my hair to lift my head up to look at Cassandra. She looks pissed. Good. I really want to spit in her face, but something in me just can’t give in to that. Manners I guess. Or some part of me still respects the bitch.

**_Or it’s just her pretty eyes._ **

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I traverse the entire journey to Solas and Varric in my iron cuffs, wearing just my nightgown and no boots. This time it was not a punishment on my part, but they thoroughly ignored my statements about how I needed something more to cover me.

These people deserve to fucking die.

**_I agree. We should send them to the void in pretty pink tutus._ **

Solas holds me by the shoulders for support as I form enough focus through my foot to close the rift. “Why are you dressed like this?” he asks, and I shiver in spite of the fact he’s encompassed me in a barrier mixed with a warming spell. “Bitch wouldn’t listen when I told her I needed shit,” I stutter.

“She was far too violent and we could not trust her,” comes Cassandra’s response.

“And here I thought it was just me you hated,” Varric sighs. “Her legs don’t look good, Chuckles.”

“Indeed,” Solas nods and I can feel the healing magic trying to work but not succeeding. “I am sorry, Lethallin. I will try to get you something better to wear next time. You cannot always be left to clothe yourself.”

**_Nodding in approval again over here, him and his nice ass saving you for me._ **

_In case you can’t tell. I am rolling my eyes at you!_

**_In case you haven't noticed, you kinda rolled your eye at Solas._ **

_God dammit!_

I stop and look at him, one word in particular getting my attention. “You called me lethallin,” I say in wonder with a smile. “Careful, Egg-Head, I might start to think you care about me!” There’s just a hint of a smile on his lips and he hands me a bottle. “Drink this: it will help,” he assures me.

It’s the same poison he put on my wounds, but in a vial made to look like a healing potion. There’s a kind of small glittery tint to the liquid. I’m gonna start calling it Mercy Tonic. It tastes sweet like the syrup that they put canned fruit in.

**_I'm not going to be serious over here, Cassandra’s face is so serious. Why so serious, Cassandra? Ask her. Do it! Make sure it's in the Joker’s voice too!_ **

_I swear to God, I’m going to start quoting Monty Python just to shut you up._

**_You could but~ you won't. I'll start singing._ **

I drift into death during the first battle in the valley, feeling very happy in spite of the hit I took by the Greater Shade. Fucker didn’t even hurt.

**_Of course it did not hurt, we're awesome. You shan't contain our awesome, Grumpy and Creepy. In case you don't know, Grumpy is Cassandra and Creepy is Leliana._ **

_What part of my family history of crazy created you?_

**_Sheogorath maybe? Or I could be here to be your opposite of you, you know the fun one? Oh! Do we know what's going to happen or no? Do we know who Solas really is?_ **

I liked him when he said he was Batman. It was amusing.

_Shut up, Voice 4!_

**_See? I'm loveable! Responsibility over here finds me amusing!_ **

_FML, I hate everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I kind of had a mental breakdown earlier from stress and the fact because I have no car it's hard to get my meds refilled on time and so I've kind of been off of them for over a week. Which doesn't exactly work well in terms of staying functional. Um, so there's gonna be a lot of uploads and then probably nothing for a bit. Sorry. I'm not doing well. Not really been doing well since my parents passed away back in 2011/2012 and it gets harder.


	26. Flemeth. Mythal. Captain Janeway.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flemeth makes good on her threat to Shay. Also the voices are insane! Is this what drinking from the Vir'Abelasan is like?

Flemeth wasn’t joking about taking custody of me from Shay. Because when I woke up this time, I wasn’t in Shay’s room. I was in that area at the end game credits sequence in DAI where Solas would ultimately absorb Mythal’s essence out of Flemeth’s body.

**_Hmm, yes. Not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. Where’s Toto?_ **

The familiar form of everyone’s favorite elven apostate was sitting with his back turned to me. Why was he-?

“Ah good! I wondered if you would ever awaken,” Flemeth states and I let out a shout in surprise. “Come girl, am I that frightening?”

**_No, you're very attractive for someone so old?_ **

_Oh for fuck’s sake…_

**_It's a reasonable question._ **

Please. Don't repeat anything he says to you.

_I'm not that dense, Responsibility. But thanks for the warning._

“Look at the area we’re at, know what I know, and you tell me,” I say while she hands me a cup of hot liquid. She laughs and tells me to drink. “It will help strengthen you.”

“Will it also bind me to your will?” I half tease, adjusting the mug and sniffing the contents. Ha! Well of Sorrows joke.

**_Start making dog jokes at Solas because- Dread Wolf._ **

_No._

**_But! Ask if we can get high off elfroot._ **

_No._

**_Fine… so boring…_ **

“I cannot bind one such as you to my will, child,” she informs me. “Original souls such as yours have no ability to do our biddings. We can only watch and help, but you are beyond our control.”

**_Really?_ **

_Why would she lie?_

**_She lied to her daughter._ **

_Good point._

**_I know. I'm Batman remember?_ **

Solas is looking at me. “Are you alright? The potion did not hit you as fast as I had anticipated and you were forced to be ripped apart.” He sounds genuinely concerned at least.

“Blame Sheogorath for that. Thanks to his little stunt, even merciful poisons that can help end her and bring her back to the beginning of the loop will take longer to have effect.”

**_Ask her if he's my daddy. I can make so many jokes if he made me._ **

_My dad died several years ago. And although he was a funny man, he wasn’t that insane._

**_I have nothing to say to that._ **

The tea or whatever it is in this mug smells good, and I’m just gonna drink it. I’m already fucked up enough. “You will go back to the beginning soon enough. However, you will need to rest a little while as the potion you just drank will need time to repair you.”

I was damaged? Oh fuck that sounds bad.

“It is,” Solas agrees. I look at him confused. Oh so now he can understand my thoughts in this place? What about Flemeth? I look at her and she nods. Lovely. “Better hope my brain stays away from the rated xxx stuff then,” I mutter.

**_Never! Think of all the gay porn we can use on Solas to make him more open-minded. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm attractive._ **

_Are you aware you aren’t real?_

**_I'm as real as you and Sheo!_ **

“Only in this place can we hear your thoughts and feelings, Lethallan,” Solas assures me. “Your mind will be perfectly your own in the Waking.”

“Thank goodness. The last thing I want is for you to know when I’m having fanfiction flashbacks.”

**_But! So much to mold and shape!_ **

“Okay do you guys hear that fifth voice at all?” I ask. They stare at me and I sigh. Must be me then. “So basically I’m being tormented by the Daedric Prince of Madness, and now I have another voice in my head who keeps making remarks on Solas.”

**_Hey! This guy has a name!_ **

_And what is it? If you say Batman, I will hit myself._

**_It's Junnesejer!_ **

_Sure you are. And I’m the Queen of England._

**_But it's true! I swear! Why would I lie to you?_ **

Call him JuJuBee. I always liked that nickname.

_Only Silent calls him that. Omg, don't tell me you are…_

No, my dear. Last time I checked, I am Responsibility.

_Silent also calls me ‘my dear’._

Yep, done talking now.

**_I resent this. I'm right here._ **

Solas looks away, and I swear he’s feeling embarrassed. He quickly bows and walks off, leaving me and Flemeth alone. I glance at the older woman as I sip the very tasty potion. “So what’s this about Original Souls? And what does that mean about me?” I ask. Flemeth smiles and gives me that look. You know the one, where she knows so much but will say so little because she wants to have you figure things out.

“I’m terrible at puzzles and you should know that,” I remind her. She shrugs. “Hence why you usually cheat or have a guide book,” she responds. “But that will not be a method you can rely on here. You have no choice but to eventually learn.”

**_Hey! I'm here! I can help! I think, she's my… something._ **

“I’m also a terrible student.”

She chuckles. “You were not always so. Time and age did much to temper you, but you still have capability. Diminished as it is. I predict one day you will be as good as those other women you write about, perhaps not with their same powers, but no doubt impressive in your own right.”

The fact she thinks I can be anything like the women I write or the characters I’ve created is unbelievable to me. “I will never be as badass in combat as Caffeine, Flemeth. Neither will I be as competent at working with the timeline as Brahms Trevelyan. I won’t inspire love and affection, or get wishing powers like Nicolette. None of the characters have things I can ultimately own for myself. That’s why I make so many damn Mary Sues.”

“It’s staggering how little you see of your own value.”

“I’d rather put myself down and be used to disappointment, than inflate my own ego and bring the world crashing down because of my own arrogance,” I say. She sighs, shaking her head. She looks like she does during those cutscenes with Morrigan. Like I’m missing out on something important, and she can’t bring herself to tell me yet.

“The Dread Wolf will be your guardian while you are in the world. Sheogorath’s increase in hostility and hard headed behavior among the other important players has caused you to be injured, and it will take time before I can properly repair the damage and make things more as you knew them. You will have to endure much more than you have.”

**_I'll be here to something- because Batman!_ **

_He’s not real, and neither are you!_

**_He's not real… Yes he is! He's Batman somewhere. He's real and is hanging upside down being a creepy creeper!_ **

Wait, was she saying Cullen and the lot of them were assholes because of Shay’s meddling?

**_What of Cole!?!_ **

_He hasn’t shown up yet…_

**_And? He can't be mean. He's Cole!_ **

“It should not be so surprising, Girl! You knew of his distaste and hurt at your preferences. Would it not make sense that he ramped up and gave them more undesirable attitudes to punish you? Not that they were all his machinations, but characters you had fondness for did act in ways to increase your negative emotions.”

**_Well then…_ **

“I just thought it was the way this world had them being,” I admit. Flemeth cackles in delight. “Oh you are too naive for your own good!” she chirps. “No, Girl. They are less than they should have been, and thus you were tainted into anger. If you were not so talented in distancing yourself emotionally or handling yourself as you are, we would be in more danger than that fool knows of. Original Souls such as yourself can irreversibly destroy the very fabric of the world if pushed.”

Oh I did not like the sound of that.

**_Well, I did. I'm always a slut for mayhem and cute lacey items because- reasons!_ **

_If you end up getting me in trouble, I will lobotomize myself. Swear to God._

**_You wouldn't! Responsibility, tell her she can't do that!_ **

That would be a terrible idea. He’s correct.

_I am getting such a headache._

**_Later Responsibility, we will have our romance. I'd say I'm sorry, but we both know that'd be a lie. I'll always apologize to you, Responsibility.._ **

Awe, that’s sweet.

_Stop flirting with each other!_

**_Do you really want us to stop? Are you sure? I'm not going to stop unless he asks._ **

That’s nice and all, but I happen to be female, correct pronoun she. And I’m fine with it if you are.

**_And right now I don't have a body, and I'm into all types of people. I'm sure we can still talk dirty. Now let's get onto the next chapter, yeah?_ **


	27. I Have A Backbone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't use it often because I prefer to let things go but this time, this shit ain't happening.

I wake up. Make the right choices. Make my robe. Meet Solas and Varric at the temple. Charge with the soldiers. Meet Cullen.

He still gives me that look, but at least he speaks to me this time. The dialogue is what I know, and I choose the right lines. We head into the temple and defeat the Pride Demon.

During my blackout phase, I choose to start calling Flemeth Mythal, and she imparts me with knowledge on how to better use my magicks. She makes it easier than she could, and I am grateful. Apparently, she understands if I learn it quickly, I can easily and more wisely figure out when and how to use the skill. It is an interesting process, and I like it.

When I awaken, I find my robe is available to put on. Apparently Solas managed to keep it from being stolen, and it was washed sometime while I was out cold. I have to thank him. It’ll be the first time I can venture out into Haven like the game’s main character should. I have words with Lisandra who is her usual jumpy self, and take a deep breath.

**_Weird. Normally you'd run away?_ **

Time to start this puppy, I think. No one comments on my clothes, and I don’t hear anyone make remarks on my weight. In fact, everything I overhear is the normal dialogue. Thank you, Mythal. You’ve already made this so much more bearable than you know.

**_But did she really?_ **

The real change comes when I head to the door of the war room. It’s not Chancellor Roderick and Cassandra arguing as it should be. It’s Cullen going on about my weight again. Oh, I look forward to this round.

**_Fucking ass. No pie for him._ **

I wouldn't mind giving him some pie. At least, I will if we are still talking about food. 

**_Maybe if it's poisoned._ **

_ Dear God, give me strength. _

I open the door and walk in as all conversation stops while they look at me.

“Oh by all means, please continue,” I say, doing my best to channel one of my OCs. “I always look forward to hearing it when people who don’t know me at all pass judgements on how I look. Maybe after we’re introduced properly you would all like to put me in chains and take me to Val Royeaux? I hear they love a good heretic, and there’s not been any fresh blood on the dungeon torture room floor for weeks!”

**_Kinky. And nice sass, if I do say so myself._ **

_ You obviously have no idea what happened to me. _

**_No I don't but... music?_ **

I lift my head up a little higher as they look at me or away from me, most of the group looking actually guilty for my overhearing of their unprofessional talk. “Here’s the deal: you don’t like me because I’m fat and have little in the way of combat skills. Therefore you think I’m lazy, stupid, and worthless. And yet you’re letting rumors spread and even encouraging how I’m the Herald of Andraste, and therefore you want to use me to help further the Inquisition’s power and close the rifts.” 

**_Glare at them! Show them who's the boss._ **

My awareness of the situation is obviously another thing they are not prepared for. “So boys and girls, here’s the deal: you want my help? Start acting like grown ups and try treating me like a person. Otherwise, the whole group of you can go fuck yourselves and I’ll leave.” 

**_Fuck themselves in a twisted orgy with demons is more like it._ **

“You would be unprotected and at risk,” Leliana says and I see her smile as if she thinks she has got me.

“Sister Nightingale, since I came to this place the only safety I’ve had is in death. The only people I trust are Solas and Varric. I have no doubt that if I go to sleep one night in my bed, I will wake up in chains and on my way to Val Royeaux for execution because you ultimately don’t give a shit about me. None of you. I’m not under any protection save whatever has gotten me through life thus far. And I certainly won’t find it in an ex-templar trying to stay off lyrium because he refuses to be bound to his past. Or an ambassador whose family cannot establish trade routes and return to their years of prosperity because of a centuries old contract out on them. A Seeker who has no idea that the way of becoming a member of the Order is to become tranquil before letting a spirit touch them, reversing the rite and thus giving them their abilities. And you... “ I look at Leliana with a smirk. “Oh, I could write books on the stuff you’ve done. Clarify for me: did you kill Marjoline while in the Warden’s company, or after the archdemon was slain?”

Her eyes go wide in shock, and I look at each of them in turn. “I know way more than I will ever let you all in on. Knowledge I would have been happy to share at one time, until I was treated like I am trash and no good except to be used. Now if you’ll excuse me: me and my fat ass have things we need to do.” 

**_Did you see their faces?! One for the scrapbook._ **

And with that, I leave the war room feeling very very proud of myself.

**_You better!_ **

Maker have mercy, you are losing your mind dear Kathleen. 

**_Whatever you say, Responsibility. I always find that the best people are insane, wouldn't you agree? If this wasn't supposed to be a serious like moment, oh the things I could say._ **

I suppress a tired groan as I head back to where I’m staying.

**_I've made my home in that corner. Sorry to say, but I think you're going to groan a lot more now that I'm comfortable._ **


	28. Quality Time With Solas

So Haven is the same in terms of layout and resources as I’m used to in the game. This makes getting around easy peasy lemon squeezy. Obviously though, unlike with the game, I can’t go hunting for creatures and resources and then they’ll respawn in similar numbers after an hour.

That would be silly. Helpful, but silly.

Also bitches, I’m making some changes around this place. I’m not staying in the cabin they gave me. Or at least I’m gonna try not to. Taigan’s cabin is perfectly usable, and and his bed is bigger. Solas is slightly confused at my decision, but then he remembers it doesn’t matter if I sleep within Haven’s walls or in a different place: if I’m going to be treated like shit or worse, kidnapped and tortured, it’s gonna happen.

“Besides there’s a crow in that cabin, and I think that means it used to be Leliana’s before they moved me in there,” I say. We’re working together to gather iron ore and elfroot. Adan was too busy to explain exactly how I would properly pick the leaves off the plants, but Solas was more than able to educate me on the fine points of gathering herbs.

**_Hot damn! Solas is always okay in my book. You know- till he leaves._ **

_Thanks for reminding me of that, you jerk._

**_Sorry... but what I want to know is, does he take all our things with him when he leaves?_ **

_We’ll be lucky if I ever make it far enough to destroy Corypheus. Save those questions for if I ever get around to winning._

Don't be such a downer, Kathleen. You will get there. 

I think he’s trying to help make things easier for me so I don’t die and thus time loops once more.

“Although I do not know how they are supposed to act, Kathleen. I am certain soon they will behave as you know them. It will take time to undo Sheogorath’s meddling.”

“The weird thing is, I’m not even mad he did what he did to them,” I admit, placing some leaves into the bag I carried. Solas had deemed himself holder of the bag containing the iron ore since it was heavier. You would be quite surprised at how strong that elf can be. “I mean if you wanna think about it, he did what anyone who has been suddenly jilted by someone they apparently care about would do. It was his way of getting revenge.”

**_I guess. I'd just do it because it'd be funny, or I'd turn someone into a goat._ **

_Well thank God you’re not the one in charge. I’d be stuck in Goat Simulator for all eternity,_

**_What? Not you. I'd turn Leliana into a goat._ **

_Okay, now that would be funny. Goat as our spymaster._

**_Yes it would. Then she couldn't bitch and moan._ **

“That is an interesting way to view it,” Solas tells me. “I do not believe others would be so forgiving.”

“Did not say I forgive him, Solas,” I correct my companion. “I said I understand. Just like I understand you wanting to bring down the Veil and return the Elven people to their glory. You are aware of the many ways and reasons why I am thoroughly against that, of course.”

**_Is that why he has us mess with those things? To weaken it?_ **

_Not asking._

**_But it's a good question!_ **

_One I really don’t wanna know the answer to._

**_I bet it does._ **

I bite back a groan, I am becoming very adept at hiding my reactions to the representation of Junnesejer in my brain, and concentrate on Solas. “And yet you shall not stop me any more than I shall break my vow to Mythal and harm you,” he says firmly. I nod. “Now that doesn’t mean I won’t try to convince you to not do it. Or put it off. Or better yet find another way than burning the entire world. But I can’t stop you.”

“You underestimate yourself when you say you are unintelligent,” he tells me and I look at him. “That statement shows more wisdom than you know.”

“That statement is born from copious amounts of fanfiction writing and reading, Egg Lord,” I correct him with a smile.

“I find myself curious to the contents of these fan fictions you speak of,” Solas says as I climb up a large boulder to hack out some iron ore. “Perhaps you can regale me with them.”

I laugh. “Oh not a chance, Solas! Some of those are raunchy and filled with gratuitous amounts of erotic material. And I’m just now getting used to the idea of being comfortable around you. The last thing I need is expose the more perverted sides of my brain to an ancient elven god.”

**_But it'll be fun! Open mindedness._ **

_Awkward, already unknown, and rocky relationship status as it is! Stop._

**_But he's so hot! And we could mold him! I need a body so I could be with Dorian and Bull because- damn!_ **

_It’s bad enough that I would love to romance Dorian and can’t. Now, I got a 5th voice that is gonna antagonize that desire. You’re a dick._

**_But hey, if I was in my own body I could tell you everything in so much detail if you wanted me to. God, I'm fucking horrible._ **

_At least we both agree on something._

**_I'm still fun._ **

He’s quiet and I am so tempted to look and see if I can see his face. I wonder if he’s blushing and the tips of his ears have turned pink. Oh, that would be a beautiful sight. Scooting myself back down to earth while holding iron ore, I notice he isn’t within eyesight any more. “Solas?” I call, worry replacing the easy comfort that had been with me just minutes before.

Maybe someone grabbed him?

Maybe I suddenly was attacked by a spell?

Maybe I’m about to die again?!

A flower is suddenly before my eyes, and I look up at Solas who is smiling in a way they only talk about in fiction: sweetly and kindly. “God dammit, Solas! You scared the shit out of me!” I declare as I take the offered flower from him. He looks genuinely sorry for his unintended scare before taking the pieces of iron ore from me. “I saw an out of season blossom and thought you would like it,” he explained.

“Well thank you. As soon as my heart stops racing with the relief you weren’t grabbed by bad guys, or I didn’t suddenly get put somewhere I’m about to die or both, I will forgive you.”

“May I take it that is more fan fiction logic at work?”

“That, and the fact life doesn't normally like to let happy moments last, My dear Egg Lord.”

**_He is an Egg, are you going to try and tap that?_ **

_I’d rather scramble you._

**_But you can't touch me, yet maybe. Even then, I doubt you'd try._ **

_And why wouldn’t I?_

**_Because then you wouldn't have any fun. You and Responsibility would be nothing but boring, and I know things._ **

_So do I._

**_Like food things- bet you don't know things like that._ **

I actually tend to think I am rather fun. However, I'm not arguing about this right now.

_Thank you, Responsibility._


	29. Quality Time With Varric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanging out with the most handsome dwarf in the DA universe doesn't end as happily as I would like it to. Also why can't I date this handsome bastard huh?!

The fun part of being in Taigan’s cabin is that because I’m so far from most of Haven’s residents, when I accidentally start hearing music in my head that ends up breaking out and actually playing around me where anyone might hear it, no one really is aware.

To be honest, I always have music playing in my head. If I wasn’t wearing headphones or listening to various audio delights back home before all this happened, I had at least one song playing in my brain.

Music is very much a part of me.

I never learned how to properly play an instrument, and I can’t hold a note to save my life, but music is something I adore. And I love a wide variety of songs and genres: from kids to modern pop, soft rock to heavy metal.

According to my bestest friend and my sister both: I have no taste in music because it’s too vague.

Actually the first few times I was summoning songs, I didn’t realize it. I just thought I was daydreaming and started dancing. It wasn’t until Varric came by looking both concerned and confused that I realized what I had done.

“You’re lucky the Seeker or no one else caught you, Cutie-Pie,” he remarks. “There might be questions.” 

**_Damn Varric, why are you unavailable?_ **

“Like why is there weird music emanating from my new place of residence?” I ask knowingly. He nods as he escorts me to the tavern. We chat about things, I focus on subjects I remember from in game dialogue while Varric tries fishing for information on me. In particular my music. “Never heard of a mage who can do that,” he says, ordering two mugs of ale.

Oh goodie. I get to try ale. This should be interesting. 

**_It's watered down and tastes like piss._ **

I can’t stand beer as it is. I don’t consume much alcohol, and what I do drink is mainly fruity dessert wines like moscato, wine coolers, daiquiris, and the like. I tried beer once and nearly threw up. And I certainly don’t shoot whiskey even though I'm from Tennessee where Jack Daniels comes from.

After watching me for a few minutes after my first sip, Varric is very sweet enough to take the rest of my mug away and order me something simpler. He does laugh his ass off at my expressions though, so not a total waste of coin. “Not much of a drinker, I take it?”

**_She needs a fruity drink, maybe cherry flavored._ **

_ I like peaches. _

**_Are there even peaches here?_ **

“When your family history runs rife with alcoholics and addicts, if you’re smart you avoid the stuff so you don’t add to the stain,” I explain. Flissa brings me a new mug of something that smells like apple cider. It tastes like it too, but with a kind of cinnamony hint. “Have you eaten yet?” Varric asks. I shake my head. “Solas has been helping me because I don’t talk to the Seeker or any of the Inquisition leaders, so I don’t know how to make money or where to get stuff.”

**_I’d sing Bon Jovi._ **

_ Not while I’m around. _

**_I'll sing if you have to ask those pricks for help._ **

_ Nope. _

“I heard about that. Seems you gave our illustrious hosts more than a few wounds to nurse.”

I take another drink of my cider and nod. Damn this stuff is tasty! “Commander Cullen was talking about how I was fat and lazy and didn’t deserve the things I asked for so I would have something to cover myself aside from my nightshirt. And the fact that he was saying it to the rest of them and no one said a goddamn thing to stop him pissed me off! They’re supposed to be professionals and they were acting like fucking well entitled pricks! ‘Oh she’s fat so she must be lazy and stupid!’ Do you wanna know something, Varric?”

**_Calm down girl, don't scare the poor man._ **

_ This drink is tasty. _

Oh great, she's drunk. Isn't she?

**_So fast?_ **

I look at him and can see I have his rapt attention. “I come from somewhere you don’t have to fight to survive. We don’t have to hunt for our food. We have machines that help keep us safe. Killing people is not something I’ve had to witness before. As in ever! I come from a pretty decent place that unfortunately has it that the poor people are the fat ones, and the rich people are often skinny physically fit ones. Because the poor people can’t afford decent food, and we end up eating junk that’s bad for us because it’s either that or we starve to death. And I have been sick for a very long time in my life and suffer from biological problem where I’m always gonna be a big girl! And I like my body! It’s weirdly shaped and it doesn’t fit in any normal sized armor l, but it’s mine and I love it! People aren’t meant to be cookie cutter and look the same! We were made to be special! And whoever can’t accept me for my size is a hateful near-sighted asshole who deserves to rot in hell!” 

I have no idea I was shouting but by the time I am finished with  my rant, the entire Singing Maiden is staring at me and the tavern is deathly quiet.

**_I tried to warn you… I'd start running._ **

_ Oh shit! _

**_You should have listened._ **

Feeling incredibly self conscious, I press my lips together and rush out of the building like my feet are on fire. Still not brave enough to make speeches like that and stick around.


	30. Lisandra Likes Me

I do not want to leave my cabin.

I’m still embarrassed for my outburst in the tavern. But given how I could not identify if I was drunk and did not wake up with a hangover, I can only assume if there was alcohol in whatever it was I drank last night then it wasn’t enough to get the blame.

Oh lord have mercy on my soul: why did I turn a perfectly innocent hang out time with Varric into a platform for body acceptance?! Oh yeah. I’m insane and the filter between my mouth and brain disappeared somewhere.

I do not look forward to the looks I will get when I have to go out for the day. Solas and I have been practising my magic and though I’m no offensive master, I got some skills. I’m just pleased I didn’t have to learn them like I’ve read or written people have had to. It’s hard to explain how it works, but I was forced at one point to envision a kind of skill tree or grid.

Ugh, so difficult. Basically I can now level up my skills, and I fucking chose the way the Dragonborn does it in Skyrim. And I also somehow gave myself a sphere grid from Final Fantasy X for added bonuses.

Don’t ask, because I have no clue how it happened. I do like the idea of me getting stronger like I did in Skyrim though. Always preferred that over Dragon Age.

**_Bite your tongue, you Heathen!_ **

_ Hey, this universe’s skill leveling up and level cap is stupid! Come on, admit it! _

**_Never!_ **

I hear a knock on my door, and it’s Lisandra coming to deliver me breakfast. Between her and Solas I’m well cared for, and I feel guilty because I don’t think I deserve it. But Lisandra won’t hear of it. I get the feeling the girl genuinely believes I really am touched by Andraste or the Maker or whomever.

**_An insane man named Sheogorath._ **

_ He doesn’t exist to them. Stop it. _

**_But he does to us!_ **

I really hope she isn’t a spy and she’s genuinely here of her own accord. That would suck if she’s been put here to watch and report on my actions.

“My Lady, might I ask you a question?”

I blink and nod. “Yeah, go ahead.”

“Well it’s just… last night I heard what you said in the tavern.”

Oh damn.

“And I just wanted to say that, I don’t mind you being bigger than most of the people around here.”

**_Little lady! Good for her._ **

Her face is turning red with embarrassment and I watch her hands fidget with her clothes. “I can’t speak for most people, but I like you and think you being so big is a sign of how much of a rock that stands against the world you are. You’re stable an’ I’m glad you won’t let anyone talk bad about you.”

Whoa. That might be the nicest thing anyone has said to my face in a long time who wasn’t my bestest friend or my sister. I open my mouth, but Lisandra rushes out with my dirty dishes before I can tell her my thanks. Well if she’s a spy, she’s doing a great job getting me to like her.

Yup. I’m gonna definitely keep up that ‘you can fuck off if you think me being fat makes me less of a person than you’ attitude. Lisandra’s words have solidified my resolve.

_ Take that, mother fuckers! _

**_Don't say that to people's faces. They might think you're insulting their mother._ **

_ Oh, shut up. _

**_What? It's true and it's sound advice. It burns!  Giving good advice burns. It's holy water to the face!_ **

_ Serves you right for telling me what to do. _

Haha! I bet he likes it when it hurts.

_ Seriously, Responsibility? When did you become such a sadist? _

**_When I arrived she became one and I do like it. Oh so much._ **

_ Oh God! Why?! _


	31. Quality Time With Cassandra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I makes some points very VERY clear to everyone's favorite Seeker of Truth.

I’ve been in this place for over two weeks, and I’m pretty damn sure that isn’t good given we’re on a time table and Corypheus waits for no man. Unless you’re one of my OCs: then the man worships you.

Sorry. Shameless self promotion. Bad Kathleen.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I gotta go to the Hinterlands. I realize I could really use this chapter to talk about why I have regaled anyone here with my bathing habits. I doubt anyone wants to know that. But fuck it: let’s chat about why I haven’t told you guys about me having a bath!

What the hell are you doing?

_ I’m having a fourth wall moment. _

You’re starting to show signs of having lost your mind.

_ I was never born with it completely in place! _

I’m hungry!

_ FUCK OFF! _

**_What the fuck is happening right now? I'm confused. I thought it was my job to mess with her. No fair, I forgot to call dibs._ **

A knock on my door brings my focus back to reality, and I shout my normal “twice for an assassin” warning and wait. “Herald? Might I come in?”

Sounds like Cassandra.

“Who is it? You sound familiar,” I joke. I know it’s Cassandra. There’s no one else in the game world with her voice actor if I recall. She sighs in an irritated way, and I cannot help but grin as I open the door. “Oh goodie: A Seeker of Truth! Did you bring me anything?”

She looks rather confused and I roll my eyes. “What do you want, Seeker Pentaghast? And come inside because it’s cold out there and as you can see, I’m not dressed for the day!” I let her inside and close the door. “I hope you have settled in comfortably enough,” she says and I can taste her discomfort.

“Not that I’ve seen any kind of desire to help from the Inquisition's leaders end, but yes. I’ve actually manage to get reasonably adjusted to this place.”

“There have been reports of you wandering around Haven and the outskirts. It would seem that you’ve… helped gather supplies.”

“Not much else to do. And from what I know, the Inquisition isn’t exactly filled to the brim with what you need. Besides someone needs to get them. And since I’m in such dire need of the exercise, I felt like I should be the one. Wouldn’t want our dear Commander and the rest to think I was just here to eat all your food and steal tents.”

**_Damn you can rant. I mean, I can too, but I have nowhere to talk. I'm being polite and waiting but... Boring!_ **

I don’t actually believe a word of the derogatory things I’m saying, but I won’t let her forget a single moment that she sat by and might have even taken part in such low brow gossip. “You know, I honestly thought the whole lot of you were better than to look at a person, see what size they were, and make preliminary judgements. They’re people who will look at your actions and judge you that way, I would tell myself. The best kind of folks to have at your side. Instead, I find the Commander of your army is as judgemental as the haughtiest of nobles in Orlais. You have a spymaster who fails to notice for god knows how long that I was in a nightshirt in your dungeon, and thus it was very unlikely I had anything to do with a murder. An ambassador who has so far failed to summon or approach me so she can talk about the more regular aspects of living here in Haven. Do I get paid? If not how to I get money? Do I have to pay for my food? You know: things anyone might want to know since they’ve been drafted into working for a military organization.”

“You raise interesting and valid points,” Cassandra says hesitantly. I hope she means it and isn’t keeping her temper in check. But given what I used to know of her, I would be able to tell in her tone. The woman is rather impressive with her ability to express her emotions.

“Well I’m glad you think so. Now that you’ve endured another tongue lashing from me, how may I help you?”

She blinks, not expecting my swift change of attitude. Of course not. 

**_I wonder if I could interrupt you while you're talking to people outside your head, and if so, I'll be having so much fun._ **

It’s a rather irritating quality of mine according to my sister. When I’m mad I am raging and once I’m done raging, it’s all good. I also never apologize unless I absolutely mean it, which really has more than once made my sister want to beat my head into the wall. I did mention how I’m not exactly right in the head, didn’t I?

Yeah, my social skills aren’t the best around. I’ve been doing my best emulations of proper- 

**_Wait! Ask her if they have powdered sugar! I'm thinking Strawberry Rolls with Cream Cheese Icing. What do you think?_ **

_ I’m thinking you need to stop trying to get me to ask about recipe ingredients. Responsibility can you do something? _

_ And you think I have some sort of hold on him? HA! That's funny… _

**_All you need to do is ask, Responsibility. I'd be happy to serve you, preferably on my knees._ **

behavior lately, but you can only emulate something so much. That’s one of the reasons Envy sucked at pretending to be Lord Seeker Lucius. I could always tell there was something off about that guy, even before I played the Templar choice path.

She mentions they would like me in the war room to discuss strategies and the like, but I’m pretty sure it’s all for show or to try and make me feel like I’m needed. After all, I’m not dense.

Well not too much. 

**_I think a squirrel is looking at us through the window…_ **

_ I think you have the attention span of a squirrel. You certainly have the right amount of nuts for it. _

**_I'm nuts? You're Nuts! His cheeks are filled with rage and he's glaring! Do you see that!?_ **

_ His cheeks are full with seed to take back to his hole… Oh god that did not sound right! _

**_No, no it didn't. And no it's not for that, it's for his squirrel gang! And you never answered my question, naughty!_ **


	32. A Step Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sheogorath's meddling with the characters behavior ends up turning to the dark side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J = JuJu  
> R= Responsibility  
> I, myself, no longer have thoughts of my own outside of narration thank to the stress of being in this place.  
> *warning* slightly dark chapter ahead and if you are a Cullen fan beware - he is not a good boy in this chapter. Blame the Prince of Madness.  
> Also props go to fanporn for their suggestion on a certain handling of the insane thought format. Tell me how you guys like it.

I hope Mythal manages to restore Cullen back to the way he’s supposed to be. Because after what just happened to me, I don’t think I can stand willingly being here for much longer. I haven’t told you guys about how Cullen tends to have more than one female visitor in his bed every so often. Not in the three way kind of sense you pervs! I mean the man is not sleeping alone, and from what I’ve managed to hear: he’s had most of the females in Haven. Seriously would have never expected it from him, but this is Shay’s doing I suppose. Thanks asshole for tormenting me with one of my favorite romances, but anyways back to what the fuck just happened to me.

**J: Hey! Language!**

Really? That’s what you’re worried about right now? My language?

**J: No?**

Now as nice as it is to know the Commander is not keeping to himself and is managing to get some, the fact it’s with multiple partners makes my fangirl very aggravated. I know, I know: it isn’t my place to judge. He wants to get busy with every Tiffani, Amber, and Jane I should just ignore it and move on.

**J: So tavern wench one, two and three must have had a good time.**

Let’s just hope it was consensual.

**J: Well, he's attractive enough.**

Doesn’t matter how attractive he is after this bullshit.

**J: He needs to have gay sex maybe. That'll help with that stick up his ass.**

**R: Or a good pegging would work.**

Why would you say that? Aren’t you supposed to be Responsibility? When did you become the crazy voice?

**J: So not sorry.**

But when it involves me, that’s when I gotta draw the line. Especially when it involves some drugged wine and me having to mind blast the Commander through a window before managing to stumble to Solas’ cabin to safety.

**J: He straight up roofied.. rofied? Whatever, he tried to have his way this us! Not cool.**

I did not even suspect what the man had in mind, because he’d just appeared in my residence that evening. How the fucker got in there I have no idea. My dinner was on the table and from now on until Cullen’s character or whoever I’m around acts like I know they should, I’m not eating anything without knowing some kind of detection spell.

**J: Detect poison** .

Cullen starts on apologizing for his behavior, saying how it was unprofessional. How I was right and he hoped I could forgive him and we can start over. He offers to talk about things, and for a good 30 minutes everything seems kind of normal. I’ve never had much experience talking with guys alone in person so I don’t really know.

My body starts feeling weird and I try to tell him I’m tired, but then he explains something straight outta the Dragon Age kink meme forums and I am fuming. He doesn’t find me attractive at all. I’m too big and heavy and to be honest, I’m repulsive. But the rest of the leaders think maybe if he and I get into a relationship and ultimately become lovers, I can be put in my place. Like he can somehow direct me into doing what they want and need me to do.

**J: He so needs poison to the face and genitals.**

So he put an aphrodisiac in my drink to help me ‘loosen up’.

Oh, I loosened up all right. So loose that I am able to send the dick flying right through the window and out into the cold night air before fade stepping my way to Solas’ cabin. Dread Wolf is not expecting me nor my story as I practically shove my way into his lodgings, begging him to lock the door.

“Mercy Tonic.”

He looks at me confused. “Commander Cullen nearly date raped me because the council thinks me being in a relationship with him will make me more agreeable to their will. I blasted his fucking ass through my window.” To say Solas looks pissed is an understatement. Who knew I would see that look once more outside of when he first killed me? “I need to end this round, and the only way I can do that is through Mercy Tonic or you kill me yourself, Solas.” My body is aroused because of that fucking whatever it was Cullen slipped into my drink, and although I am no stranger to sexual frustration: I cannot deal with this.

And I am afraid.

Afraid of what the aftermath of attacking Cullen will be, and afraid if I don’t end my life soon I might try and kiss the stupid handsome egg lord near me.

**J: I’d kiss him, hard.**

Stop trying to get me to molest him!

**J: I'm sure he'd be okay with it. He still has a fantastic ass.**

I’m human!

**J: Yeah, but I sure as hell am not.**

“Dammit, Solas! Give it to me before I do something stupid!” I cry as my control starts slipping faster than a dirty politician flip flops to his backers demands. He nods, getting the tonic out of a drawer and handing it to me. “I do not know how much longer this will work,” he tells me as I down the entire bottles contents. I shake my head in dismissal, laying down on his bed and closing my eyes. Please let this shit kick in soon. “Right now it doesn’t matter. I can’t give in to these fucking urges.” I curl up as tightly as I can facing the wall. 

Don’t think of fanfiction. Don’t look at Solas. 

Don’t think of beast form Solas sex, you stupid cunt.

“Urges?” he asks and my brain is too fuzzy to process the tone he uses.

“I’ve romanced you more once in game and I’ve read and written fanfiction, remember?” I tell him as I look at the wall in front of me. “Aphrodisiacs lower inhibitions and it’s taking all I have not to try and at least kiss you, you stupid egg. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

He was quiet, and I don’t know if he was going to say anything to me or not because blessedly in stormed Cullen with Cassandra and a couple of templars.

**J: What the fuck man! Leave a girl and multiple others alone.**

Everything was blurring out and doing that really weird echo effect with the sounds as hands grabbed me and dragged me out of the bed and outside.

I love how Mercy Tonic dulls your receptors so you can’t really feel what’s happening as it sweeps you into death. I say that because I was being dragged into the Chantry. At least I was not sexually assaulted, which I will admit now I’m kind of afraid would have occurred but luckily didn’t.

**J: Can we still talk if you're out of it?**


	33. Sit In The Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mythal essentially puts me in time out so she can go fix whatever funky mojo Shay did to the characters' core values and that leaves me with Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J is for JuJu, the undientified as yet intruder  
> R is for Responsibility or at least that what the voice used to be  
> The narration is me.

“You are staying here until I fix things,” Mythal says to me in a tone that I wouldn’t argue with even if I wanted to.

“Don’t have to tell me twice. I need to work on my magic anyways.”

**J: Well then, someone's in time out.**

And yet I have no complaints.

**J: Like are we dead and this is limbo or the fade? I vote fade because… well you'll find out.**

You just want some Solas Fade tongue you perv.

**J: So badly. All I have for entertainment is Responsibility.**

**R:** Excuse me. I thought you were entertaining me? 

She leaves me alone and I practice a refreshing spell (like hell I’m going to bathe around anyone in that place) for a good while. Apparently, if I do it well enough I can choose the scents that will linger on me after I cast it.

Lavender is the default scent, but I’m aiming for peach or berry or japanese cherry blossoms.

Unfortunately my brain cannot conjure the correct scent, and I let loose a few choice words as Solas appears. “Is there a problem, Lethallin?” he asks, his face stoic.

“I’m trying to remember the scents I need for my cleansing spell. Lavender is nice, but I have other things I want to smell like after I wash.”

“Perhaps I may be of assistance,” he offers and I smile at him. 

**J: That sounds dirty.**

**R:** I think he meant it to be dirty.

“You don’t exactly strike me as the type who keeps a catalogue of good smells on hand for references,” I say only to realize that did not come out like I meant it. He cocks his head to the side inquisitively, eyebrow crooked up as I roll my eyes and and groan at myself. “I mean… ugh, words suck sometimes. Um, I mean you aren’t exactly the type of guy who goes around searching for stuff that smells good and commits it to memory. Wait: that doesn’t sound right either, does it?”

**J: So dirty.**

“What scent are you aiming for, Kathleen?” he asks me and though his tone is rather harsh, his lips are curved at the edges and I can tell he’s laughing on the inside.

“Peaches. I miss the smell of peaches. There was a body wash they used to sell at a store near where I lived. They stopped selling it years ago but I’ve always loved the scent of peaches.” 

He hums in understanding and tells me to close my eyes. “Picture the store. The place as you remember it. The sounds, the air...Go deep into your memory.” 

**J: Can he hear me know? Because I need this right now, like badly.**

Would you cut it out?!

**J: Never! I will do so till I am flirting circles around all the boyz.**

I open my eyes, looking at Solas confused. “How will me remembering the Bed Bath and Beyond at my local mall help me get the smell of peaches for my spell, Solas?” I ask. It seems like a lot of layering for a single scent. He looks at me: the ever knowing teacher to my bumbling student. “Sometimes one must build a bridge in order to get to the smallest herb.”

“You sure it’s not just so you can sneak a peek at what the world I come from looks like?” I challenge. My face is all scrunched up not in the slightest containing my enjoyment of our conversation.

“I believe that should I want to see echoes of your world, Lethallin, I would choose a more personal spot to you. Your bedroom for example.”

**J: Did he have sex with spirits in the fade when he was sleeping?**

That is none of our business.

**J: But now you're thinking about it, aren't you.**

“Jokes on you, I sleep in the living room,” I tell Solas, lifting my nose high in the air. I know it’s probably stupid to bounce my head a little in prideful joy at that but still… I’m weird and don’t make sense most of the time. Solas tells me to concentrate on recreating the store again, his voice firm.

Sighing with amusement, I take deep breath and close my eyes. Bit by bit, I put the pieces together. The outside of the shop, the look of the inside. The tables with their displays organized just so, and the bins holding the smaller travel sized bottles. The white walls and white shelves filled with plastic bottles of lotions and creams. Metal tins and various sized bottles holding body sprays.

“Look around the store,” I hear him tell me. “Find what you are looking for. You know it’s there. Close by. You can see it.”

“That might work if I wasn’t being distracted by this case holding rubber duckies,” I admit as my mind focuses of course on the tiny multi colored rubber ducks. Of course: the toys are what’s going to take my attention. “Focus, Kathleen,” he says.  “There will be time for those later. For now, you are here for peaches.”

**J: Oh~ using a teacher voice. Girl would be getting excited right now.**

**R:** I'm not. I detest Solas.

I think he meant me, Responsibility.

I groan and feel myself turn around, back towards the front of the store. “Orchard Peach,” I repeat out loud. “Orchard Peach.”

I catch the barest hint of the smell I’m here for as I wander over to the shelves on the right wall. There. The bottles have blurry labels and the color of the sticker in front looks wrong but when I snap the lid open and breathe in deeply, that scent I missed is there. I smile and open my eyes. YES! I did it! Fuck yes, bitches! I managed to do something right! 

**J: I wonder what Solas looks like naked. I bet he looks fine!**

“Shut up,” I sing under my breath while I look at Solas. Solas looks at me, approval evident on his face. “Well done,” he applauds. “You managed to find what you were looking for. Now to see if you can apply the replacement scent to your refreshing spell.”

I grin, one that I normally don’t use because I have bad teeth and there’s a gap from where I had to get one removed because of a cavity. But for now, I’m so happy my self consciousness is replaced by my feeling of victory. It’s good not to let myself feel bogged down for once.

**J: Now, you will never smell like sweat when running about and around Thedas.**

A-fucking-men.

**J: I'd thank Solas for this one.**

I’m pretty sure I know exactly how you want to do that...

**J: Really, you sure? Tell me.**

No.

**R:** It's best you don't answer that, Kathleen.

Agreed.


	34. I Said Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's true though. I can tickle myself.

I’ve never had a good grip on the concept of time. It's part of my mental illness. Like how I can tickle myself when a normal person shouldn’t be able to do that. But I can! 

**J: Tickle your own fancy?**

Nonetheless, my time was not just spent gathering the fresh orchard peach scent I love so much for my refreshing spell. Solas and I worked on my force magic. We worked on mastering the dispel, which seemed to make Solas incredibly pleased after I explained the reason why I wanted to get it in my arsenal. “If we use dispel, the spirits targeted are sent back into the fade before they can properly manifest. We avoid more demons being unleashed in the world, while making sure spirits stay safe,” I tell him. “Everybody wins.”

“I am surprised,” he says to me as he watches me work. “I would have thought you would not care for spirits.”

I am incredibly confused about that, and a little insulted too. “I realize I’m not from your world, Solas, but I actually give a shit about the people there, including the ones the Chantry doesn’t recognize as people. I care about elves, even though you don’t consider yourself one of them and I can’t speak the language. I honestly think that unless they’re doing something to hurt someone intentionally, even demons have a useful place in society.”

**J: Good girl. I can’t wait for Dorian.**

Me neither. Damn, I wish he would be attracted to me.

**J: I wish he could hear me, but sadly...**

I remember Lord Woolsley, the rage demon who enjoyed the simple life as a ram helping out Jimmy and his family for ages. I love that quest.

**J: I do as well. But I wonder if he'll let you ride off into battle with glory and honor.**

What does that have to do with Lord Woolsley?

**J: I was watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. Zuko always gets me here. In my heart, and my groin.**

**R: Prince Zuko is really hot.**

**J: At the end when he doesn't have that weird pony tail.**

He’s staring at me in shock, like pure unbridled shock. His usual stoic mask is gone, and his blue eyes widen as they look at me. I suddenly feel very self conscious and press my lips together, returning my attention back on the task at hand. “So do you think if I can level up enough, I can make my own armor through magic?” I ask.

Silence is my answer and when I turn around, Solas is gone. Nice one, Kathleen.

**J: He was so shocked he needed to leave and figure out his life. Responsibility entertain me, please?**

**R: I think she should sleep with him. Hell, I hate him and I would sleep with him just for shits and giggles. However, I would probably sleep with them all given then chance.**

Are we talking about Solas or are you two still discussing Avatar: The Last Airbender?

**J: Maybe both?**


	35. Conquering My Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will I finally be brave enough to climb the ladders so I can save the scouting party?

I didn’t see Solas again until after I was placed back in my time loop and we met on the mountain. And even after we were ‘introduced’, he doesn’t say much to me. Did I piss him off somehow? There’s no chance for me to ask and this time, this run I am determined to climb those ladders on the mountain path. 

I stare at the ladder in front of me, my whole body tensing up. I don’t like heights. I don’t like ladders. But I damn sure have died enough and endured way too much to let these fuckers keep me from saving that scouting troupe. Besides: I don’t want to meet Cullen again. Even if Mythal claims she’s fixed him, I don’t have it in me to check. 

**J: I wonder what Cassandra would look like with cat ears.**

I crack a laugh half nervous, half amused at the wonder as Cassandra looks at me. “Is there a problem?” I press my lips together. 

“Just psyching myself up so I don’t chicken out,” I tell her. I grab the first rung on the ladder, pulling it a bit for testing and then with a deep breath I look up. _Climb, fucker, climb!_ I think and I somehow manage to fight past the anxiety and get up on the second platform. 

**J: Don't look down.**

Trying hard not to. 

**J: Good.**

“One down, another to go,” I tell myself. I make it up to the top, this one easier because I can stare at the mountain rock nestled behind the ladder rungs. Makes it easier to ascend for some reason.

My legs feel like rubber bands and adrenaline is rushing through my system when I make it to the top. I breath heavily in and out in relief. “You alright, Cutie?” Varric asks. 

**J: Oh Varric, the light in my eye, break up with her.**

Her, who? Bianca? Yeah that ain’t happening and we know it.

**R; I think I could make him change his mind. So hot….**

Need I remind you both you are inside my head and thus manufactured, apparently self aware parts of my broken psyche?

**J: I did know that.**

“I don’t do well with heights and ladders,” I gasp. “Just need a minute.”

“You could have chosen the quickest route,” Solas says and I look at him, glaring. 

**J: Oh no, he's a thalmor!**

“And risk seeing the area from this angle?” I joke. “Besides, what if the scouts are still alive and in trouble?” I push myself forward and ultimately we make it to the remains of the party. My force magic is stronger and because I know dispel, I can easily disrupt at least one terror from being summoned.

**J: Knock knock.**

Who’s there?

**J: Not me.**

I hate terrors. Teleporting screeching annoying pieces of shit that they are. I keep constantly refreshing my barriers during the battle, the demons frustration at not being able to get through only matching my own as I keep trying to disable the rift. Battles are a pain in my ass. I thought writing them in my fanfiction was hard, but trying to get through them in real life is worse! I gotta make sure I don’t get shot or run through or sliced apart by fucking demon talons… 

**J: I wonder if they'd be just as scary if they were fashionistas wearing pink boots with painted nails.**

**R: I have decided I love you.**

“I am so happy for the two of you,” I groan sarcastically as I try to make sure I live..

Yeah, it’s easier than my first few battles but still: I don’t like combat! Or at least having to constantly avoid and put up barriers and other stuff to defend myself. I stomp my foot on the ground, drawing a line between rift and anchor that closes the rift and sigh.

The scout leader thanks me, and I reply back in kind. I saved them and in doing so, I have actually managed to avoid that first meeting with Cullen that has for so long left a bad taste in my mouth. 

**J: You should be Tony Stark and say, ‘you don't like being handed things’ when you meet Leliana.**

Climbing the ladders feels so worth it. Possibly more than it should have.


	36. Tonfas, Tony Stark, and the Voices in My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guess what? We're going back to a schedule! The story will be back in it's regularly scheduled Monday release spot.

I need to learn how to fight, or at least defend myself with a weapon. I can’t channel elemental attacks and since support/healing magic is where my talent lies: why shouldn’t I learn how to handle a weapon? As much as I enjoy twin daggers when playing my Inquisition character, I find myself personally not too keen on the wielding of items that could impale me by accident.

**J: Because that's so easy to do if you’re a blood mage and very clumsy.**

“I’m not a blood mage. Where did you get that idea?!”

**J: You talking about impalement.**

And knowing me, I very much would inadvertently stab myself while trying to duel wield. 

**J: Or blood mage.**

“What is with you and the sudden blood mage talk?”

**J: Merrill.**

I could never quite handle a sword and shield, even in games. They take a certain kind of person who is not me. I do enjoy the wielding of an axe or mace and shield, but for me personally I feel a bit of discomfort in trying to use them.

A bow and arrow might work, but I’ll never have the reflexes to use it in battles. Hunting perhaps, but battles are out of the question.

I could learn to wield my staff as a weapon, I know. However, I don’t want to. At least not as my primary. As much as I would love to channel my inner ninja turtle, I cannot find myself feeling like an idiot while trying to wield it in any way aside from a channelling device.

And I loathe feeling like a clumsy idiot.

**J: Then don't be a clumsy Idjit.**

“I’m trying not to be.”

**J: Interesting.**

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask confused.

**J: I don't know, but it's very… something.**

There is one weapon I have always found myself drawn to. A weapon very much more centered for defense, but can accurately and proficiently provide me with offensive moves if I need them.

I speak of the tonfa, that magical duel wielding weapon that my favorite Soul Calibur fighter uses. Something about it makes me love it, and I find myself giving it to my customizable fighters if the weapon is available. Of course, it looks like I’ll have to either get the stuff and have Harret make me some, or find a way to summon a pair from the Fade. After all, they are not weapons I know belong in the ‘normal’ game universe.

**J: Soul blades?**

“Soul Blades?”

**J: Yes soul blades or spirit blades.**

**R: Tonfas are not spirit blades, JuJuBee.**

**J: I understand that, but from Skyrim the conjuration spells...she could do something like that, right?**

**R: I don't know...**

“I have no idea how  to process this conversation.”

**J: We could talk about Dorian and his magic staff if you get my meaning.**

As irritated as I am with Shay and grateful for Mythal’s sheltering me in her room, I miss the buffet that the Daedric Prince’s quarters would have available. Since coming into Mythal’s care, the most I have ingested is a few mugs of unidentified liquid refreshment.

Solas is absent from the area again, and I find my mind wandering towards elven mage. Not all my thoughts are G rated due to my brain being a chaotic mess of random thoughts, and being alone tends to make me think on more… inappropriate topics if left to its own devices. Not that they were erotic enough to brew certain feelings of lust, but still: they were definitely a no no.

**J: But... he... come on! I'll drop him if you agree on The Iron Bull.**

“I do not want to ride the Bull. He is massive!”

**R: I always wanted to ride the Bull. Hold on cowgirl...**

“You are not helping, Responsibility.”

**J: Yes she is! Be a cowgirl! Do it for us!**

“I will not have sex with the Qunari because you two want it!”

**J: I'll drop this for now. No I won't.**

I sigh tiredly. I miss the internet and reading and writing my fanfics. I wonder if anyone has updated the fics I’ve subscribed to lately. A few of my stories will probably suffer and fall to the wayside until the end of time because of my experiences here. After all: I don’t really see me continuing Cullen romances after my rather nasty experiences with the man (Sheogorath influencing or not). 

**J: THE Iron Bull.**

“Would you shut it with the Iron Bull?!”

**J: Never!**

I sigh, leaning back on the bed that serves as my starting point in Mythal’s chambers. I wonder how I will handle this round of meet and greets. Can I bring myself to be friendly, or will I feel the need to use the snarky attitude I’ve grown accustomed to using with my advisors?

**J: You mean your Tony Stark self.**

I am in no way as wonderfully snarky as Tony Stark.

**J: Well don't be Cap because he's a little baby and doesn't know things.**

Yeah that’s true.

**J: Poor guy.**

No. I should treat them with a smile and be polite to them unless treated with disrespect. It reflects poorly on me to act any other way. Closing my eyes, I feel myself drift off. And after a few moments I hear the door to the cabin open, signaling Lisandra’s entrance and the start of my work around Haven. 

**J: We need to be Tony Stark when people are rude to us, because- Iron Man!**

Okay, that I can agree with.

**J: Make sure to say “ I don't like being handed things “ if they're rude while trying to give you something.**


	37. I Yell At Roderick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I CAN be intimidating. Sometimes. Rarely.

Oh, Chancellor Roderick is peach of a man. As opposed to the last two instances, when I walk into the chantry (and I apparently missed the scene involving the Seeker telling off the dear Chancellor) this time I am right where I remember things going. And to my relief, Cassandra actually sounds like she is supposed to in the game.

Halle-fucking-lujah! 

**J: Draw a Devils trap on your cabin floor, just in case.**

Don’t know how to do that and not even gonna try.

**J: I know how.**

He orders the two soldiers to put me in chains, and Cassandra stops him. Oh, it is so good to hear her sound like I remember. When it comes to my chance to speak, oh do I have words for him.

“Okay, we’re gonna nip this whole thing you have going in the bud right now,” I say, pointing my finger at him. “You have zero real evidence that I was responsible for the explosion in the Conclave.”

“What more evidence do we-”

**J: Yes be angry, show no mercy!**

“I’M NOT DONE SPEAKING!” I roar so loud that it causes Cassandra and Leliana to scoot back a little in surprise. “I was in my night shirt and suddenly I woke up in the Chantry dungeon. No memory of what transpired, or how I got there being held at sword point in shackles wearing only my nightgown and panties. I had no boots, no weapons, no other undergarments ,and nothing to protect me from any kind of cold or attack.”

“You are a mage,” he declared. “That explosion and mark upon your foot were caused by magic.” 

**J: Yikes!**

“So that’s your whole case? I’m found to have magic, and that makes me guilty? Do you even know what spells I have in my arsenal? Healing. Support spells. A fairly decent Fade Step.”

“It is true,” Cassandra agreed. “Her combat skills are… lacking to say the least.”

**J: Impalement! Blood magic! We could do this! Or that, we could be like Merrill.**

**R: Maker, does it ever stop?**

Him or the Chantry?

**R: Both…**

**J: I can stop. I just choose not to, I mean. She'd be an awesome blood mage.**

You know the sight of blood and gore makes me nauseated right?

**J: I did not.**

“It doesn’t matter!” Roderick exclaims. “Anyone who has faith can tell this… woman has had some part in the Divine’s demise.”

**J: I wonder what he'd look like dressed as a woman.**

**R: Very ugly is your answer.**

**J: Horrible drag queen, nasty.**

I laugh at the conversation in my head and in contempt at the chancellor’s words. “And you think sending me away to Val Royeaux where I will be tortured into giving a confession showing my guilt, and then being put to public execution even when I don’t give them what they want, is how justice is served?”

**J: We would be great at torture. What do you think, Responsibility?**

**R: I like it when I leave marks… That idiot would look so pretty in red- like blood red.**

Okay, that was frightening.

**R: Sorry to scare you, dear. I'm slightly protective of you, and I can't stand that asshole.**

**J: I wonder if he's into that type of thing… like hardcore gay sex.**

Awe, I love you too Responsibility. And please do not get me to start thinking about Roderick’s sexual tastes, voice who claims to be Junnesejer.

**J: Too late! Ball gags and animal tails. It is my name! Idjit..**

“Of course it will!” Roderick declares, but then stops and stares at me. I can see the wheels in his head turning as gears click into place, and he looks ashamed. Silently, he leaves the room and I turn to Leliana and Cassandra. I can’t read their expressions, but I almost feel like I’ve impressed Leliana. I flash them a smile and ask, “So, you wanted to see me?”

**J: Still hate her though.. I wonder if that squirrel from that gang is still here... Oh! Ask about powdered sugar!**


	38. Speaking to Crowds

Oh, fuck! They want me to give a speech.

Another part I am unfamiliar with. They never showed this in the game: where we’re all standing in front of the gathered crowd in Haven with the Inquisition banner dropping out in display and Cassandra practically pushes me forward.

Everyone is looking at me.

Some with awe.

Some with disdain.

Some with no discernable expressions at all.

**J: Picture them naked!**

Yeah, that’s not happening.

**J: In super girly clothing?**

I feel the crushing anxiety of climbing the ladders mix with my fear of crowds take hold of me.

“Hi, everybody!” I say with a wave and I hear Josephine whisper the word, “louder”. God dammit Josie, I’m not used to doing this shit. I take a breathe and then speak again, my tone apparently the proper level this time. “They are seriously gonna make me regret speaking to you guys like this, because I have no experience speaking to a crowd in this way. Or speaking to much of... anyone... for that matter.”

**J: You're killing it.**

**R: We have your back.**

**J: I will not being giving advice.**

Nice to know you’re consistent.

I hear some laughs in the crowd. Laughs are good. A hastily covered up snort behind me that I recognize belonging to Cullen has me standing a little straighter for some reason. More confident.

Good job, Kathleen. Leliana’s  _ so _ going to file this under info to use in manipulation of the Herald.

**J: I still want to bash his lovely horrible stupid cut lip face in.**

**R: After I do things to him that would make the Chantry blush…**

**J: Woah calm down girl, she's trying to give a speech.**

“I don’t come from around here. My family is a really far ways away, and I don’t have any friends here or a title outside of what you all are handing me. This means according to what most people would think, I don’t really have anything to lose by being here.” I pause and look at the faces in front of me. I feel vulnerable and want to go hide in corner. “But it also means I don’t have anything to gain. I’m not here to be your savior, or to tell you the will of Andraste or the Maker. I’ll let you decide that for yourselves. I’m not here to gain favors or to do whatever people think I would get by being part of this organization. I’m here to make sure the world doesn’t get destroyed, that everyone can eventually go home and sleep in their beds without worrying about the sky letting loose a demon nearby. I need to make sure of it. Because while I’m here in this place, I don’t want to see people have to live in fear all the time. Or feel so stressed and on edge that they end up snapping and doing things they will regret forever. I want people to have a place they can call safe. I promise: I will close the Breach. I will do whatever I can to help make things better even if it’s only for a moment. Because that’s all we have really. Moments to hold. Moments to cherish. Moments to regret. Let’s all work together so that that last one happens as little as possible, alright?”

And with that I turn around and head into the Chantry, feeling like I just made the biggest fool of myself for the second time of my life.

**J: No, you're so cute. Don't worry. I wasn't paying attention but it seemed good. Right, Responsibility?**

**R: *sniffles* It was beautiful.**

**J: You should do a victory dance.**

I don’t know if I’m beginning to feel comfortable that I’m hearing these extra voices in my head so much now, or just resigning myself to them. 


	39. Quality Time With Leliana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler: She doesn't kill me.

“Your speech was quite moving,” I hear a familiar Orlesian accented voice say to me as I sit in the basement of the Chantry. I found the corner I put Caffeine in when I wrote one of her chapters. Sadly I’m no wine drinker, nor could I find any. So I was just sitting there, chillaxing. I flash her a nervous smile.

**J: I could get wine very easily, just sayin’.**

You can’t leave my head.

**J: We don't know that.**

“And 100% all done on the fly. Pretty sure I sounded like an idiot to some of those people. I wonder how much Josephine is going to have to deal with trying to smooth over or find a way to use this to your advantage.”

Kind of wish I had those awesome senses warriors, rogues, and people who are good at feeling people’s reactions have. “I was unaware you’ve become introduced to our Ambassador already,” she says evenly. I sigh. “I haven’t yet. But I know things… not everything I would like to, but I know names and people and their jobs. Events that can happen, that might happen. Jeebus Crabs, the things that are in my head.” I let out another sigh and look at Leliana. “Listen if you want to kill me please do it now. I can make a better speech next time.”

**J: Be careful, Idjit.**

**R: You're giving it all away, dear. Hold your cards closer to your chest.**

She cocked her head, looking at me. “Next time?”

**J: Shut it woman.**

**R: Kathleen, for once he is right.**

**J: Once?**

“I’m stuck in a time loop. Everytime I die, I’m sent back to the Chantry dungeon in my nightgown and we have to do the whole ‘stabilizing the Breach and you guys reinstating the Inquisition’. This was actually the first time I’ve gotten to speak in front of a crowd in many ways.”

“Your claim sounds a bit like madness,” Leliana states with an unreadable expression. I chuckle with a smile. “More or less than the one you had to your dream when you were in the Chantry at Lothering?” I ask.

She stilled. “I’m afraid I don’t-”

“Fifth Blight. Tavern in Lothering. A group consisting of two Wardens, the Witch of the Wilds called Morrigan, and possibly a dog enter the room where Loghain's men find and confront them. You stepped in and assisted them in dealing with their wanna be captors. Alistair, who is currently either King or still a Grey Warden or in the worst case scenario a drunk, and Morrigan called you crazy. But you still joined them.”

“Impressive retelling,” Leliana said and I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or what.

**J: She's probably trying to read your body language, relax your body.**

**R: No sudden movements.**

**J: Listen to us.**

“Not really. It’d be more impressive if I knew what the hell happened in the Fifth Blight. Or what the hell the Hero of Ferelden was? Or actually a lot of stuff. Did Connor live? Were you all able to save him from the demon’s possession? What happened in Kinloch Hold? Did you have to fight Wynn, or were you able to defeat Uldred and rescue the remains of the Circle? And who rules Orzammar now? Belen or what’s his name… it began with an H I think... “ I don’t notice I’ve been pacing back and forth as I ramble on. “I don’t even know if the two of you were involved, or what gender the Hero was, or if they were a mage. And if they were, did Cullen and her ever do anything about his crush on her? There’s so many things I know yet don’t know and it’s driving me crazy! And if I get killed again, I have to go right back to the dungeon and I still won't know jack shit about anything that happened in regards to the ending of the Fifth Blight and Kirkwall. So many variables. Maybe I can ask Flemeth, but she speaks in too many riddles. Trying to get a straight answer out of her is just-”

**J: Idjit.**

I stop and look at Leliana who is watching me. “Feel free to slit my throat or kill me at any point now,” I tell her. She shakes her head no with a secretive grin. “Why?” she asks. “This entire conversation has been intriguing to say the least.”

**J: I hate Leliana and now you just gave her reason to watch us - you more carefully.**

**R: Don't hate Leli! I loves her...**

“Well that’s one way to put it,” I reply. “Surprising. I kind of thought you would kill me.”

**J: Junnesejer Greatly Disapproves.**

I don’t care.

**J: I care. Disapproves!**

**R: Responsibility only slightly disapproves. But you know I like Leli.**

**J: You better not call her name when we're in bed.**

**R: There is a bed involved? Kathleen my dear, since when was a bed installed in this lovely little brain?**

“Perhaps I am just waiting for the right moment,” she says and I look at her worried. She’s smiling. Of course given her expertise as a bard and a spymaster, maybe the sense her words held some teasing in them was a mask? “In any case, my killing you would not help us and your death would not bring us anything to gain. And you’ve actually gained more respect among the people in Haven than you might think.”

**J: Greatly Disapproves.**

Still not caring.

I sigh again. Damn I’m doing that lot. “So what do we do?”

“We continue on as we were. You only share information and events you believe to be pertinent with us at the appropriate times. In exchange, we will protect you for as long as you need safekeeping. Possibly until the day you die, and this supposed time loops begins anew. I will help you fill in the gaps of events so that if what you say is true, you are more equipped to deal with and give us information even better than you have previously.”

I look at her, studying her thoughtfully. “You understand I’m more than just a little bit suspicious you aren’t gonna kill me when my back’s turned, right?”  I said. She smiled at me again. I think she’s more amused by me than anything else.

“Good. That merely means you’ll be more hesitant to betray us.”

**J: I'll betray the living hell outta you.**

Stop it.

**J: Nein.**

“I’m more worried about someone selling me out to the Chantry and waking up one night having been kidnapped and taken to Val Royeaux. When I said what I did to Roderick, Leliana: it wasn’t hypothetical. I _was_ tortured by the Chantry. What happened to me-” I stop as I recall the pain and what was done to force a confession from me.

“You don’t have to say anything else, Herald. If what you’ve said about me is true, you will know some of my past.”

“Unfortunately I do,” I agree. “Not that I have anyone I would want to talk about it with or even divulge those details about, but I know. Let’s just say where I came from before I got stuck in Thedas and placed in this time loop, I was an avid fan of many of the people around here.”

“Was I a member of those you favored?”

I look at her nervously and hesitant. “Afraid the jury never came back with a verdict on that. But I did love to have you in the party when I -” I scoff and she looks at me curiously. I shake my head. “I was about to say ‘when I was playing the game’ but I think it’s finally hit me. All this is real. You guys are real. Everything I know… Every choice I made when I was back in my own world, well it’s probably about to bite me in the ass. I suddenly feel a lot more vulnerable than I did when I woke up in the dungeon that first time, and I panicked so bad I caused Cassandra to lose it and kill me before you could stop her.”

“You must feel accomplished if that is true. Very few have caused her that much loss of control.”

I shake my head, my lips pressed together. “I never feel accomplished when I die, Leliana,” I tell the spymaster. “It’s when I live to see another day or go unhurt longer than an hour I breath a sigh of relief.

**J: Idjit. In case I wasn’t clear before. What next, you're going to tell her about us?**

Not that fucking stupid. Unless she starts wondering why I’m talking to an invisible person.

**J: Oh, if you're drunk she might think you’re possessed.**

Then let’s hope I don’t get drunk.

**J: You better not I don't feel like not being able to torture.**

**R: We have enough problems without her being drunk!**

 


	40. How Do I Get Myself Into These Situations?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric puts his foot in his mouth and yet I'm the one who will suffer for it. Hey, at least I got some money. Solas is avoiding me like the King of Pricks I occasionally view him as.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R is for Responsibility  
> J is for Junnesejer  
> Both of them will be the death of me.

It’s very weird being in this place. After the final realization that this -  _ all  _ of this is actually really happening, I’ve been more than a little hesitant to do anything. I’ve avoided Solas for the most part. Why? Because he hasn’t spoken a fucking word to me outside of his normal dialogue points, and that pisses me off. Not that I wanted to avoid him… at first. Fucking egg started it. I would go up to him and try and start talking to him, ask him if he’d like to help me do things: gather resources, teach me to play chess, speak about the Fade, and the like. You know, normal things. I would like to actually get to know the elf that put me in Solavellan hell since I became engrossed in this world. Not to be in any kind of romantic relationship with him, but I would like to spend time with him.

His answer?

“My apologies, Herald, but I am busy at the moment. Excuse me.”

Every. Fucking. Time.

**J: Maybe you need a higher approval rating, since we are in a video game. I'm being sarcastic, just so you know.**

**R:He's just a major douche, honey. Bull is always the better option.**

So now any time I see him, I find myself glaring at him. I have not reached the level of anger where I will tell him to let the Dread Wolf take him aka he can go fuck himself, but it’s growing. Steadily.

“So, Cutie, you have any hobbies?” Varric asks me one evening while I sit in the tavern for dinner. I shrug and reply, “Well back home I would draw, and if we ever had enough money we could get some clay and then I would make decorative masks that people could hang on their walls. Let’s see, I liked to write stories.”

“No kidding. I’m a writer too!” Varric declared. “What sort of things did you used to write?”

**J: Smut. Steamy smut.**

**R: Tell him you like to write about him!!**

No way in hell.

I took a bite from my plate of roast rabbit and potatoes, chewing thoughtfully. “Romance,” I reply. “Smutty romance. Kind of ridiculous since I’m not really experienced in those kind of things, but I would get good feedback and people were entertained so…” I trail off with a shrug.

“I tried my hand at writing romance, but unfortunately it didn’t really sell so well. Mostly crime thrillers and mysteries are what pays the bills for me.”

I purse my lips thoughtfully. “Oh, I don’t know,” I tell him. “I’m pretty sure that it’s more popular than you might think. Sword and Shields, is that the series?” He raised his eyebrows surprised. “You a fan?” he asks, leaning a bit closer to me. He looks intrigued.

“Heard about it but unfortunately never was able to read it,” I admitted with a sad frown. “Not exactly available where I lived. But I do happen to know there’s a certain Seeker of Truth who secretly keeps a copy of it, and would be very pleased if you managed to write the next installment.”

He looked at me suspiciously, moving back a touch. “You’re pulling my leg,” he laughed with a shake of his head. “There no way Cassandra would ever-”

“I would ever what, Varric?”

**R: Varric and Cass FTW!**

I don’t know… I always thought maybe she could hook up with Bull or Krem.

**R: I like having her with Bull, but the scary Seeker cannot have the Krem de la creme.**

The two of us froze like deer in the headlights before slowly turning around to look at the woman in question. We then looked at each other, both feeling that panic of the hell that might be unleashed if we told her the truth. My mind raced and I grimaced. Oh this was not gonna sound remotely believable.

“I wanted to see what you looked like with your hair down, and I told Varric that I had no doubt you actually would look really pretty! I also stupidly bet five gold that you would do it.”

Okay maybe not the best lie, but I’m not a natural liar, alright? I also don’t have much in the way of quick thinking. It’s mostly all reflex action, and my reflexes suck balls as well. Varric shot me a look of ‘are you kidding me’, but I just looked at Cassandra who was standing there looking at us, her hands on her hips.

“It seems rather silly to want to know what I look like with my hair loose,” Cassandra said, eyeing me. Varric piped up, “That’s what I told her Seeker. But the girl apparently used to draw and I don’t know how good she is, but she said she would like to try doing it again sometime. Apparently you with your hair down is what she was interested in. I would have gone with something more substantial.”

Oh, let the world swallow me up! I realize it’s a pretty bleak chance outside my own fics for these two to get together but still - that kind of remark will definitely not make it happen. Cassandra looks at him. “Are you saying I would not make an interesting subject to draw, Varric?”

“Write about, yes,” Varric said. “As a portrait, I have my doubts. I don’t know your skill level, Cutie, but I don’t think you could draw something featuring our Seeker that would draw the attention of the critics.”

**J: I'm enjoying this way too much.**

**R: Men...dwarf or not, they always put their foot in their mouth.**

**J: I don't.**

Cassandra got a glint in her eyes and asked, “And if she could: what then?” I look up at Cassandra in shock as Varric nonchalantly smiles. “Well if she did, then I’d write the next chapter of Swords and Shields. Apparently she’s interested in the series and is waiting for the next chapter. I wasn’t going to write it since it barely sold enough to pay for the ink I used but-”

Cassandra slammed her hand down on the table with enough speed and force to make me jump. “Prepare to write that next chapter, dwarf,” she says, a determined look on her face. “Herald, I look forward to assisting you with your picture whenever you have spare time. And we can speak to Josephine about getting you the supplies you need after you finish dinner. If you will excuse me…” She bowed and left with both me and Varric watching her.

**J: That did not turn out how was expected.**

**R: No pressure, my dear.**

Oh lord help me. 

**J: Lord help you not.**

Varric took my hand and placed five pieces of gold in my palm and closed my fingers over the coins. “I look forward to seeing what you can do,” he said before getting up and walking away.

I have no idea what just happened.

**J: I do. See hun, you lied and agreed on a bet. Now it came true, and you're going to draw Cassandra with said hair down. And I'm going to laugh my ass off because today has been amazing.**

**R: It has been a good day, hasn't it? This is going to be awesome.**

**J: Very good.**


	41. Quality Time With Cassandra part deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end it gets weird.

My portrait of Cassandra is coming along a lot better than I had ever thought it would.

I’m not joking: I had once tried to draw this thing as fan art back home. But because I ended up being either too frustrated with my lack of help, or how the lines looked off, or I ended up wanting to go play a video game, it had never gotten far. Now apparently, I was being blessed with another chance to do it right.

I know why she was so adamant to make sure it got done and was perfect. The sequel part to Swords and Shields? Come on, anyone who has played this game knows how much she adores the series! “Have you read it?” she asks me while I sketch her hands holding the pommel of her sword. I shake my head. “I heard it was awful and magnificent,” I say with a smile as I glance up. I am luckily getting the hang of sketching the outline of this thing using charcoal far easier than I thought was possible. Didn’t stop me from missing pencils and erasers like nobody's business though.

**J: Well suck it up, Honeycomb. Talk to Josephine.**

**R: Hush. Working in charcoal is the best. Love the way the pictures come out.**

“I have not had my portrait done since before I left Navarra,” Cassandra admitted. I cringe. “Well no pressure then,” I joked. She chuckled dryly. “It was a terrible thing. The artist had to draw me in this ghastly pink fluffy dress which was so hard to move in, and my uncle and everyone just kept droning on about how pretty and lady like I looked.”

**J: Well, she's not a lady. Way too mean.**

**R: Don't hate. She is still a lady even though she's scary.**

**J: Lady Scary.**

“I have a feeling that dress didn’t live a very long life after the portrait was painted,” I comment. Cassandra shook her head, casting a rather knowing look towards me with a smile bordering mischievous on her lips. “An hour hadn’t passed before it met a very strange fate involving a fire. We never could figure out how it got there.”

**J: I think I know, isn't that right Responsibility?**

**R: I can only imagine, honey.**

**J: We can definitely imagine.**

“Oh shit,” I laugh, picturing it in my head. Young Cassandra in her underclothes proudly standing in front of the fireplace, hands on her hips posturing like a superhero as the dress burns to ashes. Feigning ignorance when a housekeeper or whatever it is that rich people have in charge of things demanded to know how that had happened, maybe even running off with Anthony afterwards to escape the shrill scream of horror at the discovery.

“Well I won’t be drawing you in any giant pink fluff thing,” I assure her. “A nice simple tasteful dress is what I’m going for.”

“Just nothing too… girly.”

I nod. “I wouldn’t dream of putting you in that kind of thing,” I said finally finishing up the hands. “This is going to be a picture that represents you and how I see you, Cassandra. If you’re any kind of princess, you’re a warrior princess and not some porcelain doll. I’ll do this right.”

She seems taken aback at my words and but quickly recovers. “Just make sure it is good enough that damn dwarf eat his words,” she states. I nod. I look at the hourglass that we’d set up to keep the time and saw it has run out. “Looks like time’s up,” I say and sigh. “Let’s hope I can work on this more once we get back from the Hinterlands.”

Then it hit me. Oh shit, Hinterlands. Mage and Templar fighting. Lots of violence. Bears. Holy crap, I am gonna die. I look at the portrait, knowing my expression looks like a meme off the internet. All this fucking work and it’s gonna be nullified the moment some asshole runs me through with a sword, or I get shot with an arrow, or electrocuted. Or all three.

**J: Get your head bashed in so we can be free!**

No.

“Is something wrong?”

I look up at Cassandra. I forgot she was still there. “I’m gonna have to fight people this time. Flesh and blood. It ain’t like demons. This is different.”

“You will be fine,” the Seeker assures. “You are a competent fighter. And your skills, although lacking in some areas, will get you through this trial. Perhaps at a later point we can find you a trainer.”

I kind of feel pity for her. She honestly has no idea, and Leliana has kept mum about my little reveal to her. I still slightly walk around on eggshells waiting to see if she is going to kill me or have someone do it, but so far no go.

“Thanks, Cassandra. I’m gonna finish packing up what I need to take to the Hinterlands before I eat dinner and turn in. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She leaves and I close the door, scratching my head in annoyance. “The skill you possess is basic, but with time I believe you can become an excellent artist,” a familiar voice says and I whirl around to see, of all people in my cabin, Solas. I narrow my eyes and stomp over to where he stands, grabbing the sketch he is holding away from him. “First off: how the fuck did you get in here? And second: you have some big brass balls to comment on my art when you’ve been avoiding me like I had the fucking plague,” I snap.

**J: Is his eyes red?**

Why?

**J: That's how you know if he's high or not.**

**R: I seriously doubt he's been smoking elf root or anything like that. Can you even get high off elf root?**

“I have been busy.”

I don’t believe him for a minute. Although he could have been doing something important for all I know, him avoiding me hurt more than it probably should have. Of course, I’m a naturally paranoid person. Prone to insecurities and thinking I had done something wrong even at times when I had no fault in the incident at hand. I owned an overwhelming compulsive need to apologise before all this had happened, blaming the fact that the universe nor life was going to say they were sorry, but someone needed to.

It is a rare moment indeed, because I will not be giving into that urge to apologize.

“Very busy, I’m sure,” I say. “Now get out. I’m heading to the Hinterlands tomorrow and need to pack.”

“I noticed you did not ask or make sure I was going to come,” he told me. “Is that not something that is supposed to happen: my accompanying you?”

“Well you’ve been so busy I decided to forgo having you tag along,” I say with a voice dripping in sarcasm. In reality, I didn’t want him going with me. It is important, I suppose, that he go. But he was being such an asshole! 

**J: Poor guy.**

Are you feeling sympathy for him now?

**J: Not really, I can be sarcastic.**

**R: Fuck that dude. I want him to go just so I can push him in the lake and he can drown.**

“Well lucky for you I have completed the activities I was working on and am now free to join you,” he announces and I bite back a string of curse words. I force a smile on my face. “Oh goodie,” I sigh. “I’m glad.”

No. I’m not. It’s bad enough that I’m gonna be sleeping on the ground and trying to help keep watch because lord knows they weren’t going to let me get out of it. I’ve read enough fanfiction. I’ve written fanfiction. Unless my name suddenly becomes Nicolette, they ain’t gonna excuse me from watch. Now I gotta spend more time with Captain Egg Lord of the Avoidance League.

“Well if that’s all Solas, then you can leave,” I tell him. He bows slightly. “I will see you in the morning.” He heads towards the door, and I watch him expectantly. Oh, I was gonna rant about this once-

Wait. Why the fuck isn’t he leaving yet?!

“You change everything, you know that?” he asks in a voice so low I can barely hear him. “Events so carefully and cautiously put in place are turned and twisted because of you catching the eye of a god and being thrust into our realm. Punishment or reward, his actions have thrown this world’s story off balance.”

Well now it’s getting weird.

“The way they wrote and structured some of the stuff around here is -  _ was _ bullshit, Solas,” I find myself unable to stop from saying. “I can’t help it if your world didn’t measure up to one that was older but far superior. Yeah the people here are debatably more interesting, but some of this shit makes no sense.”

“Such as?”

I shake my head. “Oh hell no,” I say throwing my hands in the air. “I ain’t getting into this conversation again. This is no longer a game: it’s real fucking life and I am trying badly enough to get through each day without dying. I have never had to deal with this kind of shit in my life before, and I know I can’t play dissociative debbie anymore. And here you are, somehow invading my cabin to comment on my art after giving me the cold shoulder all this fucking time just makes me even more ahhhh!” I can’t find the words anymore and just wave my arms and hands around like a chicken flapping wildly. “And now I’m going into the Hinterlands where I’m gonna die a lot, and you come in here using the paraphrased line that isn’t supposed to be uttered until we go to Skyhold, and now I’m having romancing love interest flashbacks and you’re a jerk!”

I look at him. Why does he look so smug?! “Get the fuck outta here, you smug sexy bastard,” I order. “Before I start hurling shit at you!”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “I’m sorry I seem to have such an… undesirable effect on you,” he states. He still isn’t leaving. Why is he not leaving?! 

“I don’t have time, or the proper amount of mental health to deal with you right now,” I state, heading to open the door and push him through it. “Out. Out out out out ou-”

Shit makes even less sense because now he’s kissing me. Full on lip lock. Which I have never had in my life, with his tongue trying to enter my mouth. FUCK A DUCK! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

**J: Tis what happens when you're in the egg’s holy eggness.**

**R: Bite his tongue!!**


	42. Solas is a Dumb Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas is a dumb ass.

Brain not functioning. Need air. Not tongue! He’s touching - no! He’s  _ groping _ my butt!

I manage to somehow step away (without mind blasting Solas) from a kiss that I am in no way, shape, or form able to process on how it feels as I successfully put some space between us. “What the hell?! Solas!” I’m trying not to shriek, but fail miserably as he has the audacity to look confused.

“Did you not enjoy it?” he asked, blinking.

I have no idea. Maybe? “I’m too confused to process this!” I declare. “Dude, what the fuck?!”

**R: Lemme at him! I will punch that egg head in the face! You are supposed to sleep with Rylen for me, and he's ruining it!**

Solas looks at me blankly. “I was under the impression you had wanted at one time to kiss me,” he explains. “Was I mistaken?”

“I’ve also wanted to punch your head in for being a dumb ass about the tearing down the Veil and breaking my Lavellan’s heart,” I interject. “Is that gonna happen too?”

“Doubtful,” comes his stoic response, and I put my hand to my forehead. “Dude, seriously! Like what the fuck, Solas? I’m human and you’re freaking race obsessed. Why the hell are you kissing me?”

He stands a little straighter, his hands clasped behind his back. “I have grown attracted to you,” he tells me plainly, and I swear to god I have lost my mind. No. Nope. Not happening.

I’m in so much shock I can’t even speak, just mouth the word “What?!”

The elf motions for me to sit down, and I shake my head. Sitting down is probably not a good idea for me right now. He shrugs and sighs. “Although my own surprise is nowhere near comparable to your own,” he begins, “I will not lie and say I have not achieved a close fondness for you. I have grown to care for you a great deal in the short amount of time we have come to know one another. Though not completely unpredictable, you possess certain qualities and views that make you attractive.”

“It was the line about spirits, wasn’t it?” I deadpan curiously. He bobs his head to the side with a half smile. “Partially. But you have a peacefulness about you that draws me, an ability to recover and cope with what has happened to you while staying true to yourself and your desires. You can compartmentalize your pain, not letting it hold you back for long. There is a grace in your bluntness and clumsy ways that I find- endearing. A hunger and appreciation for life and all it has to offer. You are also unbearably tenacious and fixated on things. And though you may apologize often, it is when you forgive that I have seen you shine the greatest.”

**R: Was that supposed to be romantic? Wasn't very romantic...**

He could have done better, it’s true.

Okay. Why does it feel like he’s been seeing bits of me that are not from my time in Thedas? “Have you been in my dreams?” I ask suspicious. Solas shakes his head. “No, I obtained the help of a friend who guided me as I watched your life before here.”

“You saw my past?” I demand. Suddenly I feel very vulnerable. Not really violated, but uneasy is an understatement. Solas nods, his expression unchanged. “Glimpses of the strongest moments. Remarkably most of them involved you in mental hospitals or when you were very young, before your mental illness encroached and became a permanent factor in what you do. You had a very loving family, Kathleen. The last few years have not been kind…”

I’m sure normally people might feel betrayed at this. I’m staying with the ‘confused as fuck’ option with a side of ‘I want answers’. “You say a friend helped you see my past,” I recollect. “Was it Sheogorath?”

His silence speaks volumes and I frown. Of all the - Inside my head I am screaming obscenities at him.  **(R: I can hear them dear, and they are rather colorful.)** He takes one step forward, and then three hundred back when it comes to progression. “Does Mythal know you fucking went behind her back and contacted him?” I demand. He shakes his head. “My agreement with him was strictly between us at the time,” Solas says and I raise my eyebrows in a silent way of asking “and now?”.

When he doesn’t continue I ask the question out loud. “He asked for nothing that I was not willing to give,” comes Solas’ reply in that voice that I absolutely  _ loathe _ . You know the one. That same kind of manner/attitude that comes after the Well of Sorrows where he is so fucking sure he is right to yell at the Inquisitor. Even though he never makes any kind of suggestions or actually dissuades us from taking the Well’s power.

“Just when I think you can no longer floor me with how dumb you can act, you find another way,” I mumble under my breath.

Solas looks at me stoically, straightening up a little. Good, he’s offended. “I do not understand why you felt the need to insult me,” he speaks, and I cock my head ot the side. Now I’m getting pissed. “Let’s just take a minute to explore why that is,” I say with slight sarcasm. “Number 1: You avoid me like the plague due to the fact you made an agreement with Sheogorath so you could go snooping in my past for some reason. Number 2: You contacted the being which Mythal took me away from to help you snoop through my past and get what? Information? A feel for who I am? A look into my world and how it functions?”

He blinks and I take it as a sign of affirmation. I look up at the ceiling and sigh. He opens his mouth to speak. “I merely-”

“Wanted to know about me? Find a way you could manipulate me into keeping your secrets when you didn’t need one? Or better yet, see if you could find some kind of hint at what to expect? Newsflash, Solas. I never dug deep into your history!  My only knowledge of you is through what I discovered playing the fucking game, or the little tidbits I found out on the Dragon Age wiki! Even as a fucking game character, I still tried to give you some fucking respect and not nose through every god damn bit of your life that was available!”

“You read quite a few erotic tales that I took part in,” he states. “And wrote a few stories in which I participated in.”

“They weren’t real!” I screech. “They were people’s fantasies! Writing helped bring me out of my slump - just like when I took my meds. I functioned like a normal person! Why do you always do stupid shit?!”

**R: Because he IS stupid!**

I know!  _ So _ fucking sad.

His expression darkens “Clearly I overestimated your feelings for me,” he says, and I glare at him. “No, you underestimate just how foolish your actions are! Did you honestly think I would be okay with you perusing my past without my permission? Or did you assume I would just melt in your fucking arms after you’ve been rude because you suddenly kissed me?”

“Are you honestly so upset that I didn’t get your permission?”

“Yes! I would have given it to you if you’d asked, and even let you see my memories if you’d just opened you fucking mouth and said you wanted to see them! In case you didn’t take note, I’m pretty easygoing when it comes to that kind of thing!”

His eyes widen and he looks away. Good, I hope he’s embarrassed. “And what of the kiss?” he asks. “Would you have accepted it if I’d… chosen a better way or time to give it?”

I feel sad. Mostly because now I don’t know how to feel. “Maybe,” I say scratching the back of my head. “Once, I think I would have. Even knowing the choices you make aren’t the brightest ones, I still would have liked to see if there was a chemistry to it.”

“But?”

“But now I really don’t know if I can trust you. And I really wanted to.”

My head is starting to hurt and my eyes are watering. He takes a step forward but then retracts. “I am sorry,” he says. “I had no intention to hurt you.”

“I believe you. But that’s your problem, Solas: you’re always gonna choose the lonely path and never let yourself try for a better one. Because you’re so wrapped up in guilt and you don’t see other people as being real.”

“And you do?” He’s suddenly on the defensive. “Can you honestly look at me and tell me you see these…  _ people _ … as anything more than figments? That they’ll be more than the characters in one of your games you play?”

“Yes.”

I look at him, determined and sad. “Because I’m here. This is my new reality and these people, no matter how I knew them previously, they are real. You are real. You are a living breathing person who makes stupid choices, and yet I find myself desperately still caring about you and very unsure how to help. And right now, I don’t know if I want to given how much you blaringly fuck up. For fuck’s sake, I’m standing right in the middle of one of your disasters! You led a rebellion against tyrants of your own kind and raised the Veil. In spite of what you want to do now: I think it was the right choice. But now you think it is wise to tear it down so that the elves can be restored which causes the world to burn and be torn apart similar to how it happens in the awful alternative future that’s seen in Redcliffe?” I shake my head and he looks at me confused. “Alternative future?” he questions, and I look at him expectantly. “Yeah, the one I get sent to if I choose to help the mages instead of recruiting the Templars! With Dorian?”

**R: Dear, please st-**

He stares at me, blue eyes confused. Oh shit.

**R: Yeah ‘oh shit’ is right.**

“Solas?” I begin tentatively. “How much of this storyline and the events going on are you aware of?”

**R: Well this went fucking splendidly.**

I refuse to take the blame for this fuck up.

**R: I wouldn't either. He's a dumbass and he deserves it. By the way, where is our partner in crime? He was oddly absent from this lovely tirade.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you couldn't tell: SOLAS IS A FUCKING DUMB ASS! *heavy breathing*


	43. Well That Ended Well

He doesn’t know a damn thing.

**J: Surprise motherfucker! It's not really news.**

Not a single part of his own storyline other than what he had experienced already and could recall happening from the time loop.

I feel sick to my stomach as I watch him turn pale and sit on my bed in order to not hit the ground in shock. “How can this be?” he asks in a choked voice. It is the one filled with sorrow he uses when he breaks up with Lavellan in the game.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” I reply truthfully. “I assumed you knew since you were so chummy with Flemeth/Mythal in that place I keep ending up when I die.”

“I did not honestly believe she contained what was left of Mythal but if what you say is true,” he speaks trailing off. Feeling terrible just got replaced with confusion. “You didn’t…?!” I sputter. “What?! What the heck did you think was going on?”

“I thought…” He sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “I thought it was you and Sheogorath working in some strange game. More so when I was consciously pulled into your loop but also the aftermath. I believed you conjured a sort of fake Mythal to protect you from Sheogorath’s insanity. It appears I was mistaken.”

**J: Isn't he always doing stupid things? Thinking it's something smart but it's not something smart…**

**R: He puts on like he's smart but really he is the stupidest person in the whole of Thedas!**

I am speechless. “There are no words,” I say in utter and complete exasperation. I keep trying to find them, but nope. No words. He stands up suddenly. “I must go,” he tells me. I look at him in shock. “Really? Where?” I ask.

“I cannot be here right now. I must go somewhere and think on what you have said,” he informs me, heading towards the door. I’m too flummoxed to stop him and soon find myself alone once more in my cabin. “Well, that went well,” I say to myself as I lock the door. “Why the fuck does shit like this keep happening? Oh yeah because I’ve been placed in Thedas in a freaking time loop by Sheogorath, that’s why.”

**J: Honey, People will think you’re crazy if you talk to yourself like that. keep talking to yourself.**

Why are you emulating Responsibility?

**J: What?! No! I'm not doing that! I- shut your face.**

**R: Teehee finally I am making an impression on him!**

I roll my eyes with a sour expression as I walk to where my sketches are. They’re not bad. I mean, I’m sure better work has been done by others but for someone who is half decent at art when using a pencil they’re pretty good. “And here I thought these would be the thing that would bother me most,” I say aloud. But no. Solas is once again granting me inner turmoil.

He’s really good at that.

Morning comes and I wake up feeling a little grumpy. Lisandra has been sweet enough to bring me breakfast in the mornings and I can honestly say I will miss her while I’m gone. She seems to take my morning moods in stride and I really feel like I should get her a gift to thank her for dealing with me.

“I want you to know how much I appreciate you for helping me,” I say to the elf as she gathers my breakfast dishes. She smiles shyly. “It’s a honor to hear you say that, my lady,” Lisandra says. “But if anyone appreciates anyone it’s me who appreciates you. I mean, we all do. You’re not like what people expect.”

“I don’t know: overweight, pampered, hopeless in combat? Clothes don’t fit so she has to make her own by taking from the Inquisitions already meager stashes?” I smile self-deprecatingly. “That would actually be a pretty accurate description.”

**J: Shut your face Honeycomb! You're perfect!**

“But you’re not really any of those things. I mean, forgive my impertinence Lady Herald, but there are plenty fatter nobles running about the world and you seem like most of you is actually muscle underneath. And you haven’t gone around demanding stuff so I don’t think you’re pampered at all. And.. and I heard that you’ve been out helping gather materials around Haven - giving as much as you can. Quarter Master Threnn seems a lot happier after you went and got those supplies. And Master Harrit and Healer Adan both say they’ve not lacked for materials after you come a’visiting. You’re wonderful.” She gasps a little and bows. “Forgive me for speakin’ my mind so freely.”

**J: She's such a cinnamon roll.**

**R: I demand she join my harem! I will love her, and squeeze her, and call her squishy!**

The pair of you are insane.

Now I feel awkward but in the good kind of way. I really like Lisandra. She’s good for my ego. “Thank you, Lisandra. And no please, please speak up if you have anything you want to say!” I encourage and she bows, telling me, “You do me a great honor, Your Worship.”

“No, Lisandra. The honor is mine for having somebody patient enough to deal with me, and who is wonderfully sweet enough to bring me breakfast because she realizes I like to sleep a little later in the mornings, and helps me get my clothes cleaned and figure out how to bathe because everything is different than what I know. And you listen to me… Even though it must sound like complete and total madness most of the time. I wish there was a way I could repay you for everything you do.”

Lisandra’s face turns red and she mumbles something I don’t understand before dashing out of the cabin with my dishes. I sigh, gathering up my pack to take to the stables. I’m a little worried when I get there: I packed a change of clothes and some things I thought were necessary to bring but like an idiot, I didn’t ask Cassandra what I needed to pack for trips like this. I mean, I’m heading traveling out to a war zone and I haven’t been camping in oh about 20 years?

This should be fun.

**R: It's really not that bad honey. I'm out in the woods all the time. You will do great!**

I notice Solas isn’t there. That already has warning bells going off in my gut. Leliana and Cassandra are talking to each other as I approach. Both look over at me with grim expressions. “Why do I have a bad feeling you two are talking about something I’m not gonna like?” I ask. Leliana gave a dry laugh. “Probably because your instincts aren’t completely off base,” she says.

“Solas is missing,” Cassandra informs me. “He disappeared sometime last night after leaving your cabin.”

**J: Stupid egg head dickwad, I bet his mother was a hamster.**

**R: It's Trespasser all over again! Hide your foot!!**

I want to laugh at what the voices in my head are saying but I’m too angry. Fuck. That fucking stupid… “I would ask you if you know where he is but then he wouldn’t be called missing,” I say out loud. Leliana gave a small nod while Cassandra asks if I had any idea why he’d gone. “Probably because I told him something he didn’t want to hear… again,” I admit. “Leliana, the stuff I told you about. Solas has been aware of it too. He’s been the only other one who knows I’ve been experiencing that thing. I didn’t say anything because until just now he’s never pulled any stupid things like not be where he’s supposed to be.”

Luckily it doesn’t feel like Leliana disapproves of my decision but Cassandra is confused. “You have a thing?” she asks. Leliana looks at me. “Is this going to be a problem?” the Spymaster asks. I shrug. “I don’t know. All I do know is he’s supposed to be here to go with us and now he’s MIA. And unlike me, he didn’t have a fucking clue about what may or may not happen until last night when he confessed in a rather unflattering way how he was attracted to me and I let it slip about future events that have yet to occur.”

“Future events?” Cassandra echoed, looking even more confounded. I shake my head in resignation. “So what point do I say fuck it and we call an emergency war meeting for me to bare my soul?”  I questions and Leliana shakes her head. “Unfortunately that will require for you to wait until after you all return from the Hinterlands. The longer we wait the more chaos claims the region. I am sorry, Cassandra. Once you all have returned we will explain everything.”

I nod in understanding as a scout who I want to say might be the one I nicknamed Private Cockblock or better known as Jim approaches. “The cart and supplies are ready, Lady Cassandra,” he says and the Seeker nods. She tells me to climb into the cart and Varric, who finally makes an appearance, helps me up. “You okay?” he asks and I shake my head.

“I really don’t know, Varric. I really don’t.”


	44. Mythal is Pissed!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She also explains some things... like how she knows what is going to happen while Solas remains an ignorant fucktard.

I wish I could say I got through the Hinterlands unscathed. That I kicked ass and took names. But that would be a bald faced lie.

I, in fact, did not even make it to the Hinterlands before I die again. We are halfway there and got ambushed by bandits. Which means I didn’t even get to meet Scout Harding before I died this time. So Solas makes a deal with Sheogorath and I die before meeting a really cool character. Again.

Mythal is waiting for me upon waking and she does not look happy. “What has he done?” she demands to know. I have no clue if she means Sheogorath or Solas. “Fen’harel,” the woman affirmed. “I have no interest in whatever that crazed Daedric fool is up to. I much prefer to know what the Dread Wolf has done!”

“Well apparently he made a deal with said Daedric crazy to go roaming through my past with no mention of what it was going to cost so…” I trailed off throwing my hands up in surrender. Mythal’s face rivaled a storm of the century sky and she curled her lips in disgust. “That foolish, bald headed, over confidant ass!” she shouts and her hands and eye glowed with power. I’ve never seen her mad before and trust me, People: it’s not pretty. It’s fucking frightening!

**R: Fuck yeah! Get mad girl!**

There is no way they could have done this justice with gaming graphics, so I guess it was a good thing they never showed Flemeth enraged? Yeah I’m scared, and I don’t know how to handle this. “Mythal, you’re freaking me out right now!” I cry out and it seems to mollify her a bit so she can focus on something other than her rage. She sighs wearily, conjuring a seat for herself. “And you wondered why he had no clue of his own storyline,” she said in a resigned sort of way. “And yet I am.”

“The thought has been on my mind, yes,” I agree only half sarcastically. “Why was he unaware of everything that was going to go down?” That question was more honest sounding and she crafted me a seat. “It is because, Child, that he will not accept his ability  to perform his duties in the many ways he possibly could.”

The confused look on my face leaves her chuckling. Did I mention I enjoy listening to that sound? Kate Mulgrew, people. Damn sexy voice. Sexy lady too. Sorry. Got off topic.

**R: I would do her...**

“It is not merely the game universe we gods and goddesses are aware of,” Flemeth explains, “but also the works of fiction that the people like yourselves write with us in them. Even roleplaying exchanges.

Oh shit. I’ve done some naughty RPs with her in them. Now I’m freaked out for a different reason. “Oh don’t worry,” she assures me. “Your little roleplaying adventures where you wrote me were rather… flattering. My fetishes are quite in line with your-”

**R: Hot damn!! And she's kinky?! You gotta let me at that!**

“Whoa! Time out!” I decree giving the motion like a sports referee. “Please don’t talk about that! I will never be able to talk to my friend Sunshine on Skype ever again if you keep talking about this stuff!”

“As you wish,” the Enavuris nods as she makes a cup of tea appear in her hands. “However this knowledge comes with a price: we must follow where the music takes us no matter which dance is played. For we are both in the events at play and separate from them at the same time.”

I think about this for a few minutes. “So you can go along the main story line like you’re supposed to but can also indulge in the different paths that might be presented to you? Like getting multiple endings with a new game plus?”

She raised her eyes brows thoughtfully before nodding. “That would be an elegant way to sum it up,” Flemeth conceded. “However Fen’Harel is far too stubborn to even attempt to accept such a thing. Thus he is doomed to remain ignorant.”

“That makes so much fucking sense,” I say, exasperation mixed with understanding. “Although I don’t know if this makes me pity him or just wanna hit him for his being so rigid.”

“It is a flaw in his personality that makes him as he is,” Flemeth muses. “But I do wish he could overcome it and make it so he merely acts the part instead of actually being the way you know him. Perhaps I would not be forced to become a withered body lying upon a temple in the Fade’s floor.”

“He doesn’t even bury you?!” I practically shout in horror. 

**R: See! Told you he was a douchebag!**

A complete and total one. Why the hell do I still like him?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wired controller is taking WAY TOO FUCKING LONG to get here and it's causing havoc with my writing! I'm sorry, guys! *grumble* They said it may even take until May to get here. AND IT'S NOT EVEN A CUSTOM CONTROLLER! If I'd had a car, I could have gone to Game Stop and picked one up... but no.


	45. I Have A Suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otherwise titled:  
> WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE COMING FROM?!

Something is very wrong with Solas.

And I know this because he doesn’t know who I am anymore. I wish I was kidding, or that I could say that it’s all an act. But after the last few mortifying (and oh dear God I never want to relive these moments again) conversations I’ve had with him, it’s very clear the price he paid for his little deal with Sheogorath was his memories of the time loop and the experience he’d gained with it are gone.

Don’t believe me? Well fuck it. You’re the readers of this tale. Why should I leave you outta the loop of my suffering?

So we got to where Varric and Solas are, and I know something is off because he’s devolved back into the standard conversation options. Now given how many times we’ve done this whole song and dance, we kind of had gotten into our own little repartee that deviated slightly but was generally still canon. This convo was all canon.

Before we head into the valley, I call him to the side so that I can get some answers on his behavior last loop. That was when the warning bells start going off in my head.

“Solas? May I speak with you for a moment?”

**R: May I bash you over the head for being a dumb ass?**

Are you talking to him or me?

He looks at me slightly baffled as Cassandra asks if it can wait. I shoot her a look that borderlines smart ass but say nothing. Solas and I walk to the side, and he asks what I need of him. “How about an explanation on why the hell you disappeared last time?” I demand. He blinks and looks confused. “I’m afraid I do not understand the question,” he replies. “We’ve only just met.”

I give him a look of ‘oh really?’ and frown. “I mean before I died, Solas,” I state. “We were finally going to the Hinterlands to meet Mother Giselle and you took off in the night. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I do not-”

“Okay, I understand that what I told you was a lot to take in. But running away like a coward and leaving me alone is even more bullshit than letting Corypheus have your orb.”

He pales, but I’m kind of too busy getting this mess off my chest to really take notice. “And for the record, Mythal is pissed off with you making that deal with Sheogorath. And let me tell you: she’s fucking scary when she’s mad. You gonna tell me what the price was for having him let you rummage around in my past now?”

He just stares at me, speechless until I sigh and throw my hands up in the air. “Fine,” I say exasperated. “I’ve wasted enough time with your bullshit. Gotta go clean up your fucking mess because you couldn’t bide your time to get stronger and unlock your orb properly.” I turn my back to him and flip him off as I mumble “fucking Dread Wolf and his god damn idiocy” under my breath.

**R: *slow clap***

So after we do the song and dance and I close the first rift, I wake up in my room in Mythal’s area. “You died,” she explains to me as I go over to where she’s prepared me a plate of food and drink. “Here, you didn’t eat anything in that last loop.”

**R: Died? What crack is she smokin? We didn't die...did we?**

I thank her just as my stomach lets out an audible growl. For the record, using magic burns a lot of calories. “I think you might have toned up a few parts of your body,” she observes and I run a hand absentmindedly across my belly and side. “Not too much, I hope,” I admit. “I was born to be a big girl. I’d feel really weird if I got all thin.”

“There’s very little to worry about in regards to that,” the enavuris informs me. “I believe your - what is it they word it as? - rubenesque figure will remain with you. I only meant that it should be easier for you to fit into the world’s armors and clothing now without having to make your own.”

“Damn,” I say, feeling a little disappointed. “And I actually was enjoying making my first set of protective gear.” I change the subject. “So how did I manage to die this time? Usually I just wake up in Haven.”

“When you stabilized the Breach, Fen’Harel abandoned you. And without his magic to help stabilize it’s chaotic energies, the mark consumed you.”

I do not know that voice. My body tenses in apprehension as I look at Mythal, who looks behind me with a soft smile. “So you were finally able to get away for a moment, Sylaise?” she asks affectionately.

What. The. Fuck is going on?!

**R: More random elvhen goddess popping up!? Turn around. We gotta see if she's hot.**


	46. Sylaise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or better known as:  
> Wasn't having to deal with two Evanuris and a Daedric Prince bad enough?!

As if things couldn’t get any weirder…

“Hello, Mother,” Sylaise greets Flemythal with a kiss on her wrinkled cheek, skillfully avoiding the headdress she wears with practised grace before standing straight and eyeing me. She is beautiful, like an elvhen version of Zooey Deschanel in a tea length floral print dress reminiscent of old American television shows like Leave it to Beaver and The Andy Williams show. It is definitely not canon compliant, but she looks really pretty. “Is this her?” She has that same unreadable expression Solas uses which I’m beginning to think is standard.

**R: Well damn. Not my type. Back to dreaming about Rylen.**

“Indeed,” the older woman says with with a smirk. “The girl that Sheogorath decided to get involved in our lives. Kathleen, may I present to you my daughter, Sylaise.”

I am petrified. A frozen statue who was in the middle of chewing her food. You could probably pick me up and carry me off like Jeff Goldblum and that other guy did to Cyndi Lauper in Vibes right now and I wouldn’t move an inch or give you an ounce of resistance. I think I even forgot how to breath until I almost passed out from lack of oxygen. “Breath, Girl!” Flemeth commands and I do, somehow getting to my feet and babbling incoherently while motioning to Sylaise.

“You’re the- How did- WHY?”

Sylaise gives me an amused little twitch of her lips and glances at her mother. “Eloquent isn’t she?” she asks, conjuring her a cup of tea and making herself a seat. I look between the two of them, my eyes so big they are practically bulging out of their sockets. “What the FUCK?!” I croak/screech and Sylaise eyes me over her cup as she takes a sip.

“You honestly didn’t think you’d only meet Mother and that Crazed Daedric man, did you?” she asks nonchalantly. “There are others of us who can make unscheduled appearances in your life.”

**R: I think we have had enough surprises for now, my dear. Tell it to shoo.**

“Sit down before you hurt yourself, Kathleen,” Mythal tells me and I do so just because my brain is barely handling this shit. I find I am no longer hungry as much as I’m confused as fuck. Why was Sylaise here? Were other Enavuris going to show up? I don’t want them too. Their reputations are hardly the most sparkling, and to be honest I’m just now getting comfortable hanging out with Kate Mulgrew over here.

“I doubt you’ll spend much time or meet many of the others,” Sylaise says and once again I remember they can read my mind. Glorious. “You’re considerably an open book so Brother Dirthamen isn’t interested in you. Brother Falon’Din saw a picture of you and since you’re quite plain and not too attractive he’s wiped his hands on partaking of this matter - I think you tending to like fluffy cute things also put him off. Sister Andruil heard you were unskilled in battle and particularly inept in sport, so she passed on the idea of meeting you. Father is nose deep in another fan fiction where he plays the delightful grandfather of some child, and Ghilan'nain is trying to recreate one of the monsters she saw out of a Final Fantasy game.”

I mentally tally how many of the Dread Wolf’s former comrades that is, trying to see if that was everyone accounted for except for June. Yeah, that was all of them. “And June?” I ask hesitantly. She smiles. “Oh he’ll show up sometime,” she says with a dismissive wave. “No worries. He, well-” she gives a deep chuckle, “read something you wrote with a friend awhile back and became inspired.”

“Oh my god!” I groan, covering my face with my hands. There was only one time I have ever written something involving either him or Sylaise, and I don’t even wanna think about- Never mind. I just thought about it. God dammit.

“Oh don’t be so embarrassed! It was a lovely Roleplay! He’d never been interested in designing sex toys before but apparently your’s-”

**R: I now wish I could read this roleplay...**

“I don’t wanna know!” I shriek, panicked giggles taking over. What the hell did I do to deserve this?!

“But I wanted to talk about the part where the character your friend played fucked June while I was being taken by the-”

**R: Really wish I could have been privy to THAT!**

I suddenly turn into a cat meme from the internet, shrieking “no no no no no!” with my hands over my ears. I swear to god I will never RP again after this. My face feels like it’s on fire, and I’m pretty sure my rosacea can’t be used as an excuse. 

Sylaise sighs and even without looking at her, I can feel her pouting. “Perhaps some other time if we hang out more,” she acquiesces as she makes her cup dematerialize. I look at her. Is she serious?

“Of course!” she says with a smile. “You’re quite the oddity, and it’s so nice to have a new face show itself around every so often! Besides: I think you’ve had some questions about us evil would-be gods, have you not?”

Okay, that is true.

She gets to her feet and for some reason I do the same, and I watch as she kisses Mythal on the cheek once more. “I’ll be back later, Mother. Until next we meet, Kathleen.” And she’s gone. Vanishing from sight while Mythal sighs. “I think she likes you,” the woman says to me, and I look at her with a weak kind of groan. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.

**R: Have to agree on that one. She's odd. And I can say that because I'm a talking voice in your head.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record: That RP actually happened. It was kinky and smutty and all kinds of sexy shit happened in it. I have a copy of it. I don't know if I can release it to the public.


	47. It Was A Fun Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty damn honest this loop. Which ends with me dying the same way as before but hey: the looks on their faces, man!

I’m gonna try something this round and it’s gonna be a hoot.

**R: For some reason those words make me terribly nervous. Honey, I think we need to have a little chat.**

When Cassandra and Leliana enter the dungeon to interrogate me, I decide to do what no one has done before. I’m gonna be honest as fuck. But first: Cassandra gets to say those wonderful words we all know and love.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now.”

“I’ll give you several. Number one: I didn’t cause the explosion and neither did I help plan it. Number two: I know who did cause it and I know why it happened. Number three: I’m the only hope you have of stopping all this and getting justice for the Divine and everybody else who has died. Number four: I’m half naked and this place is cold and I’m not doing well being in this position, so let’s skip this whole interrogation scene and get me out there closing the rifts before all hell breaks loose even more than it already has?”

**R: You can't see me but I'm high fiving you right now.**

Their looks of stunned shock are beautiful. It also really did cut out on a lot of dialogue. Cassandra unfastened my shackles and I tried on a set of armor Leliana brought. “Holy shit, it fits!” I gasp in surprise. “That’s new. Usually I have to make a set before we can leave.”

“You have been in this situation before?” Cassandra asks. 

“I’m stuck in a perpetual time loop,” I explain. They stare at me looking suspicious. “Every time I die, I get sent back here: to this moment. I have died at least a dozen times so far and let me tell you: dying ain’t fun. And it’s even less fun when you die because someone is a fucking asshole and lets you die because he’s a coward. And no, Cassandra, I’m not talking about Varric. So far throughout every time loop, no matter how weird I’ve acted he’s been the nicest person to me. He calls me Cutie Pie. I wonder if he’ll do it this time?”

“If you could please stop talking like some kind of mad woman and let us go?” Cassandra stated and I nodded. “Okay, but the bridge is gonna blow up when we try and cross it. I’ll let you know when we get to it.”

And I did. Of course Cassandra didn’t believe me… at first. I had to physically grab her arm and pull her back just as a Fade meteor fell down destroying the path in front of us. We still end up fighting a bunch of Shades and Wraiths, but it’s always easier every time I fight them. I wonder if I’m retaining my stats as well as my skills with each loop?

We meet up with Varric and Solas and I slam my foot into the ground and close that rift like a boss. When I finish, I look at Solas. “You’re theory was correct, Fen’Harel,” I say with “fuck you” smile on my lips. He just stares at me as Varric adjusts his gloves and says his lines. “I’m a big fan of your work, Mister Tethras. And your crossbow. She’s very beautiful.”

He gives me a flirtatious smile and says, “Always glad to meet a fan.”

**R: VARRIC LOVE FTW!!**

“If you two are done flirting,” Cassandra cuts in and I roll my eyes. “You are always so impatient,” I tut.

“The sky is raining demons and it looks as if the world is ending, in case you forget,” she tells me and I nod. Holding up my hand, I wave my fingers in the air. “And I got old ancient elvhen magic branded into my flesh because the ancient Tevinter Magister who Hawke and company thought they killed didn’t really die but body jumped to one of the Grey Wardens, took possession of them, and then used this asshole’s foci to try and rip down the Veil so he could go back to the Golden City and sit on the Maker’s throne,” I explain, jerking my thumb behind me in Solas’ direction.

The looks on Cassandra and Varric’s faces… oh someone please make some fan art for me because my artwork could not do it justice. And then of course Cassandra gets pissed and draws her sword on Solas, who teleports away, which leaves me to once again to die because he’s not there to stabilize the mark on my hand after I seal the first rift.

But I’m just gonna call it: I really enjoyed this round. Holy shit, it was fun.

**R: Let's do that again. Maybe without putting Solas on blast so you can live, but the rest was very good.**


	48. I Did Enjoy That Thank You

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Flemythal asks me when I come to in her area.

“Yes,” I say, failing to hide the pleased look on my face. I throw my hands out. “I couldn’t help myself! It was just… Nobody has done that before and he already ran off and let me die that way once. I figured this time when he ran it would actually be because I spilled the beans intentionally. Besides, I was in a good mood! Why not try something new?”

**R: Responsibility approves.**

Thank you.

“And they called me mad,” Flemythal muses and I grin. “I always thought you were funny,” I recall. “And pretty damned impassioned during that scene in Inquisition when you talk about Mythal. Wait, is impassioned the right word?” I look upwards as I try and think.

“Twould seem you have embraced your own madness again,” the white haired woman says. “Here I thought you wouldn’t let your guard down.”

“Well that doesn’t sound ominous,” I say with lighthearted sarcasm. Flemythal laughs heartily. “You used to be so trusting!” she declares. “And so naive! I still sense some of the latter about you. But why so suspicious, dear girl?”

“I still don’t know what, if anything, you gain by having taken me under your wing, or protection, or whatever this is,” I say, twirling my hands around. “And to be honest you’re not what I’ve expected. I mean, you can be scary as hell! But you’re… Even in the game I didn’t think you-” I sigh. Words are hard. Especially when you’re more skilled at writing them instead of saying them. “And I wrote some really erotic kinky stuff and you liked it! And apparently so did Sylaise, and June. And other than that one fic I read that time, I’ve not known for the Evanuris to be… well nice. Unless you’re a baby.”

“And now that you know what you do of what we know, how we behave partly because we understand we have parts to play but by partaking in those moments we have so much more freedom than anyone could dream?”

“Oh shit, we did talk about that stuff, huh?” I ask. Recalling very clearly the previous conversation. Mythal chuckles, saying, “And Morrigan called me forgetful.”

I blink. “Oh yeah, can I ask you a question about Morrigan?” Her face falls slightly and I grimace an apology. “Never mind,” I say, quickly desiring to change the subject. Oh! I know what we could talk about! “Do you think if I can get June to like me enough he can make something that will help me learn Elvhen?”

She raises her eyebrows in slight surprise before a grin spreads on her face. “You wish to learn the language so that you can in time cause the Dread Wolf confusion and intrigue,” she rightfully guesses and I give her a shit eating grin and waggle my eyebrows. “I’ll never be Caffeine, and there’s no way I can seduce him or get him to actually be attracted to me genuinely. But I want to fuck his preconceptions to pieces.”

**R: Yeah! Fuck the Dread Wolf and not in the fun way!**

Flemythal gives me an approving smile. Apparently fucking with people’s shit and perceptions was something she likes to hear. “I could always just grant you with a spell that would give you mastery of the tongue,” she offers.

I purse my lips thoughtfully. That would be easier, and I’m like the queen of it’s the easier path.

**R: Go with it!**

She’s already done so much for me though. Wouldn’t that be taking more from her than I already have? “Can I do something for you in return?” I ask cautiously. “Not to sound offensive but… You’ve been doing a whole lot for me and unless I’ve been providing you a lot of entertainment, I think I-”

“It is no trouble,” she interrupts. “Besides, I think given your luck with this will be... quite a round to look forward to.”

Oh lord…. Why do I have a bad feeling about this? “I’m gonna be stuck speaking elvhen this next round aren’t I?” I ask with a resigned look on my face. Mythal just grinned.

Well, be careful what you wish for folks.

**R: Does that mean I get to speak elvhen too? Oh goodie! I bet Rylen would love it if I spoke to him in elvhen....**

You are impossible.


	49. Language

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rated F for HOW THE FUCK DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS?!

Okay, hands up! Who guessed this would happen?

**R: Me! *raises hand***

I mean, I expected it to fucking happen. With my luck? With everything that’s already come to pass? Oh, you can bet your sweet ass this would happen.

Fun thing is, I didn’t start out realizing I was speaking only Ancient Elvhen. Because at first my ears didn’t register that was what was coming out of my mouth. Luckily, I did in fact start realizing that what I was speaking wasn’t English after Leliana asked my if I remembered what happened. It was the looks of confusion on their faces that clued me in, because I’m very acquainted with the levels of ‘what the fuck’ that have found their way onto these two.

_ *“So I can understand what you’re saying, but you have no clue what I’m saying?”* _ I ask Cassandra while she changes my iron shackles to rope. Cassandra does not look up at me as she says, “It… It will be easier to show you.”

Well thank you, Dragon Age Team, for default game dialogue. Oh this was going to be a hoot!

So I step outside, blah blah blah - Oh God! I hate it when my mark goes off like this! A giant explosion of bees in my foot every time. Cassandra tells me what I already know because I’ve relived this scene so many - Oh fuck! No one brought me armor and I’m still in my nightgown. This, boys and girls, is why I’m glad I have magical abilities. Because we all remember that time previously when I was taken to meet Varric and Solas and was dressed like this, don’t we?

I still get knocked backwards on my ass everytime I climb up that hill towards the bridge that explodes and puts me in a tutorial battle. The snow cakes my barely protected derriere and I swear to god, it is not fun to have icy powder where the sun don’t shine. Well… not when it’s touching your skin and you’re out in nothing but your nightgown and undies.

**R: Worse than sand. Bleh!**

“The pulses are coming faster now,” Cassandra says as she helps me to my feet and gives me a pat on the arm.

If only I could master control over my physical expressions, I would say something beautifully sarcastic wearing an innocent smile. Until then, I’m giving her the double bird inside my head. Don’t get me wrong. After all we’ve been through, I still love Cassandra. But she has moments…

Also one of these days, I am going to learn how to fight with some weapon other than my staff just so I can fuck with people’s minds when they learn I also know magic. It will be  _ glorious _ . We fight our way up the mountainside to where Solas and Varric are and oh I start feeling a little giddy. The possibilities laid out before me right now… me speaking ancient Elvhen while the only one who can understand me is Solas?

I inwardly pull a Mister Burns, my inner self tenting their fingers while hissing “Egg-cellent”. A laugh escapes my mouth before I can stop it, the word “puns” following it. Luckily the fighting ahead is loud enough that my outburst is not heard by Cassandra. She’s already giving me wary looks. I don’t like being mistrusted. At least when I haven’t actually given someone reason to be that way.

**R: Dying laughing over here!!**

We fight the demons, seal the rift, and all without Solas touching me. He seems surprised but come on, let’s get real: If it wasn’t on my foot, him grabbing the marked limb would be fine. I just keep losing my balance and falling on my ass when he tries to ‘help’ me close it. Oh well. At least with it being on my leg, if or when he takes the limb then I can function easier than if it had been my arm.

When the hell did I become so optimistic?

**R: I'm growing on you.**

_ *“Isn’t it nice to know that the universe had a way to cope with your fuck up because your plans are complete shit?”* _ I ask him and he stares at me in shock. “What did you-?” he asks and I grin as Cassandra approaches us. “Your theory was correct it seems,” she says to him and he blinks at the woman as if he forgot she was there.

“Yes,” he answers in common before looking at me intensely.  _ *Say something again,”* _ he practically commands even though his voice is the same tone. I grin.  _ *”Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries,”* _ I tell him. In my defence, I’d wanted to use that line on Roderick but Solas deserves it way more.

**R: I peed myself, in your mind! I don’t know how I did that, but I'm laughing so damn hard right now.**

He visibly pales and Varric speaks up. “I hope someone understands what she’s saying because I can’t,” he admits as he fixes his gloves. He gives me that smile of his and makes introductions and I motion towards him.  _ *“Varric Tethras, if I could romance you I would do it in a heartbeat,”* _ I tell him and he looks at Solas and Cassandra.

**R: Nothing stopping you....**

“Why does that sound a bit like elvhen to me,” he wonders. Solas frowns slightly and answers truthfully, “Because it is. Well it sounds to be at any rate. It is reminiscent of old Elvhen from the days of Arlathan if my memory serves me correctly,” he informs the others and I look at him.  _ *”Yeah, just lie to the people some more, you fucking turd,”* _ I tell him with a smile.  _ *”I wonder if you plan on leaving me to die after I fix this mess like a coward or are you willing to stay and help fix this?”* _ He seems to ignore my words. Cassandra balks at this knowledge as Varric eyes me. “She doesn’t look much like an elf, Chuckles,” the red haired hunk of male dwarf states.

“Indeed,” Solas says. “Whatever magicks placed the mark upon her foot, may have allowed old memories to settle in her brain.”

“As in she could be possessed?” Cassandra asked, her hand flexing on the hilt of her sword. I take a step back in fear and look at Solas.  _ *”If she kills me because you let them believe I was possessed, I will never forgive you,”* _ I say looking at the bald elf with my hands in the air in surrender. Solas quickly stated, “I do not believe she is possessed, Seeker. She exhibits no known signs except for her speech troubles. Her eyes are bright and clear. However once we have dealt with the matter at hand, you can put her under close watch in case you believe she poses a threat.”

“Understood.”

“If she doesn’t freeze to death first you mean,” Varric speaks up. “Seriously, Seeker! Did nobody think to give the girl better covering before you let her out here? She’s not even wearing footwraps!”

Thank you, Varric. Beautiful bastard.

**R: So beautiful. And he rocks Mariah's world! Teehee dropping hints in different stories!!**

That thing was not the actual Junesejer, and you are not SilentSlayer.

**R: Of course I'm not *whistles innocently***

I look at him, making a heart shape with my hands over my chest and smiling to him gratefully. Cassandra turns slightly red as she’s finally made aware just how inappropriately attired I am while Solas remains neutral in his expression.

Ass.

“We will get you better attire once we make it to the forward camp,” she promises me. I just shrug and roll my eyes, grateful I know how to make a barrier spell so my feet aren’t sliced to ribbons walking around barefoot. Varric pats me on the arm. “Don’t worry, Twinkle Toes,” he says. “If we’re lucky we might find something on the way you can put on your feet.”

Don’t you love how observant he is?

I nod, showing him I understand and we head to the forward camp. In case anyone was wondering why I didn’t try removing any of the boots from the dead bodies littering the ground, it’s because Cassandra is intent on pushing me to the forward camp and keeps making sounds everytime I try and go off the beaten path. Not literally, luckily.

_ *“You spent an entire god damn year wandering this world, which is barely a piss break when you compare to how things were back in Arlathan. Seeing how things were in that tiny amount of time, you thought I should rend the world asunder and bring down the Veil. That will fix everything!”* _

Solas looks at me as I speak and I wonder if what he’s thinking. Varric glances in my direction and asks him, “What’s she saying?”

“I’m afraid I cannot really understand it,” Solas lies. “I think she is talking out loud about warm foods or things so she will not let the cold bother her.”

_ *”Liar, liar, pants on fire.”* _

“You manage to fix this mess, Twinkle Toes, and I’ll pay for a brand new wardrobe and a feast featuring the best food and drink for you myself,” Varric promised. Cassandra interjected irritably, “The Inquisition can do that for her just fine, Varric.”

**R: It's not the same coming from someone else! Varric, you sexy beast!**

“Yeah, that’s why she’s been wearing the same nightgown and clothes since your soldiers found her after she fell out of a rift,” Varric grumbles under his breath, and I grin at him while Cassandra asks what he said. He shakes his head but flashes a grin my way.

We may never be more than friends, but I would love to romance him.

I still to a degree ship him and Cassandra, but somebody let me taste love with Varric! I mean, come on: I’m a 36 year old virgin whose only romantic relationships were online. The most sexual loving I ever got was from a vibrator. I deserve to have it just once, don’t I?!

**R: This is, as they say, your party. DO IT!! DO HIM!! For the sake of all the ladies out there-**

Luckily, I do not say these things out loud. Although it would have been worth it to see how Solas would react. Don’t you think?

**R: Yes!**


	50. Someone Stole My Panties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title says it all. Also I'm so tired of Solas' dumb assery. And where the hell did this cat come from?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I will now be speaking Elvhen italics with a * in them will be me speaking in that. Everything else (hopefully) won't change. R is for Responsibility and J would be for Junnesejer but I don't know where he fucking is! I bet he's somewhere in the depths of my brain plotting evilness.

On the plus side, he did not run away.

On the downside, he’s hovering over me like a fucking predator waiting to pounce. Wait, he’s the Dread Wolf so that’s normal I guess? I groan in frustration after Lisandra shows up and does her whole song and dance, feeling upset that because she can’t understand me and we’re not going to have a friendship this round.

**R: You did ask for this, remember?**

Yeah, but I didn’t know it would cost me Lisandra!

 _*”Be careful what you wish for,”*_ I say out loud as I search my cabin for something to wear. Aside from the probable sponge bath I’ve been given because I feel clean, I’ve not been changed into anything. But my nightgown is clean and my undies are… Oh shit. I’m not wearing my panties.

Hello blind panic and shit flying everywhere!

Not literally shit. That’s just gross.

**R: I laughed, and then I felt slightly nauseated. Thanks dear. Thanks.**

Sorry.

I practically tear the cabin apart looking for - hoping to find the pair of cotton panties I’d been wearing, but they aren’t there. _*”I am not going out there without something covering my ass!”*_ I shout. I’ve still not been provided any decent replacement clothes, probably because Varric is trying to get me some if he was actually serious about the wardrobe thing. Or I was left forgotten about, again.

The two guards who had been outside my cabin rush in to check on me as I am obviously making a lot of freaking noise, and I throw things at them to get them to leave. I swear I will apologize later when I can speak english again if I don’t die before that time. But for now, I am very vulnerable. How could they fucking just leave me like this?! If it’s not Solas being a dumbass, it’s someone else!

**R: I personally don't believe in panties. Haha be super inappropriate and flash people as you walk by!**

Good for you and no.

My outburst ultimately draws a crowd and Cassandra finally shows up with Leliana and Cullen in tow. Cullen. Perfect. One of the last people I want to see while my bits are just waiting to be accidentally seen by someone. My pain at interacting with him still lingers. Even if it wasn’t all him, the memories still hurt. I’ve had few and far between interactions with him because of it, and it’ll take something outside of my control to make pleasant things happen between us.

**R: Like me...**

I’m standing on the bed, blanket wrapped around my waist to provide some sort of barrier for the eyes and my ass is to the wall. No one can understand a word I’m saying, and I’m struggling not to break down and start crying. This is about the time back home someone would make me take some medication and go to sleep.

Solas is finally dragged into the fray as a translator and I glare at him. _*”You’d better not be the reason I don’t have underwear or something to wear outside my nightgown,”*_ I warn him. He blinks a few times and then turns to my future advisors. “She says she awoke and she was without a change of clothes and her smalls were missing,” he tells them. “It’s caused her to panic.”

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen mutters and his turns red in the face. A small hit of former fangirl flutters that I easily squelch. Cassandra looks embarrassed as well, but Leliana is the picture of cool composure. “Our apologies,” she says to me. “Once again we have seemed to overlook your needs.”

 _*”Not the last time it will happen either,”*_ I state. Seriously I’m the fucking Herald of Andraste, the main character of this thing! You’d think people would pay slightly more attention to me. Okay, now that sounded way too spoiled. Sorry. _*”For once I would just like to wake up and feel like things are going right! Is that too difficult?!”*_

**R: Nothing spoiled. People need clothes, and food, and sex. These things should be provided!!**

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

“What did she say?”

Solas looks at Cassandra. “She says she will not leave this place as she is. She has already been forced to journey to the Temple of Sacred Ashes and seal the first rift with no proper protection.”

Cassandra and the others look incredibly embarrassed now, and even Leliana’s composure is slipping at that little reminder. Oh yeah! Didn’t mention how they had fuck tons of spare armor and boots at the forward camp/valley where Cullen and the main force resides but the journey through the mountain path was shockingly free of wearable gear! Someone, somewhere is punishing me for something. I fucking know it.

“Tell her to stay here and we will send someone with things to wear and something for her to eat,” Cullen orders and I look at him with a ‘really?’ expression on my face. They then leave me alone with the egg lord. Great. That’ll end well.

 _*”What is your name?”*_ he asks and my frown deepens a little.

 _*”That is something you would know if you hadn’t made a deal with Sheogorath,”*_ I tell him hotly. _*”In fact, we probably wouldn’t be standing here having this ridiculous event happening if you hadn’t gone and asked him to assist you in going through my past like a fucking creeper.”*_

_*”You speak of the Daedric Prince of Madness. I have heard of him, but he has not graced the likes of this world for ages.”*_

_*”Oh, he has. You just made a deal with him and he took your memories of it all and your ability to fucking realize we’re in a god damned time loop because you suck at making plans!”*_

_*”Even should I believe he has appeared, why would I make a deal with him?”*_

I throw my hands up in the air, letting the blanket go by accident. I scurry to re-cover myself as I tell him, _*”Because you do stupid shit! You let your agents lead Corypheus to getting his hands on the orb. You killed Fellasan because you felt he had to die because he was smart enough to realize what you didn’t: that these people may be shadows of what they were once but they have potential to be great again. You spent a single year after sleeping in uthenera wandering the world, and then decided you didn’t like what it’s become so you’re going to tear down the Veil and bring back arlathan! And your plans suck so any kind of ideas you have to deal with the Evanuris that would come back from their prison if you did succeed would fail because you are an idiot!”*_ I sing the last few words for emphasis, noting his face growing dark. _*”Getting angry now, Dread Wolf? Would you like to kill me again? Will it be you snapping my neck or causing me to fall and impale myself? Or how about you rip the heart from my chest?”*_

**R: *sigh* I thought we agreed not to poke the Dread Wolf this go around?**

I don’t give a shit.

He balls his fist and I can see he’s fighting the urge to lunge at me. I honestly don’t want to die right now, but he makes me so aggravated I want to pull my hair out. _*”We keep doing this fucking dance over and over again,”*_ I sigh tiredly and slide down to a seated position on the bed. _*”You never learn.”*_

I don’t know why, but he suddenly doesn’t look as if he wants to kill me as much anymore. Oh he’s still tense and looking like a thunderstorm is raging in his insides, but it doesn’t look as directed towards me as it once was.

A knock at my door brings Varric and Lisandra to join us and the conversation ends for now. As Solas leaves a white ball of fur barrells in through the door and jumps on the bed beside me. It’s a cat. I don’t recognize it at all, but a quick check reveals it’s a boy cat almost completely white fur with two dark grey spots above his eyes and he’s sporting quite the impressive collar on his neck. And he is rubbing himself and purring lovingly against me like I’m his long lost owner.

“Looks like you have a friend,” Varric teases as he helps Lisandra with the tray of food. The female elf bows and quickly leaves. “How you feeling, Twinkle Toes?” he asks. I shrug as the cat bops his head up under my chin, and I pet him as best I can. I finally get him to lie in my arms and his paws start kneading on my arm as he purrs. Loudly.

I suddenly realize how much I missed that sound.

**R: Cat?! Now there's a cat?! Fml**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The singing part of You Are An Idiot was done in the style of that audio file Alonzo Lerone has used in his Fails video series. He is an awesome Youtuber and if you haven't seen his videos, please go check them out. Never fail to bring a smile to my face. Also I decided to post a second update today because I want to write but my back up chapters are sitting there and I really REALLY want to post them. Love you guys.


	51. My Cat and The Inquisition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just gonna spoil it for your guys: Cullen is not a pussy magnet.  
> Also: FAN ART!

It took a few days and a whole lot of concentration, but my ability to talk in English (or rather common) finally returns. Unfortunately much like my sanity, it was fractured and I more than once find myself beating the shit out of a practice dummy with a sword or daggers or trying to shoot arrows at a target but only making myself more frustrated.

At least I am wearing myself out and trying to increase my stats like a useful person. I have more than once hit the bed face first barely making it to my cabin. I think one time Varric or someone carried me back because I was so tired I accidentally fell asleep sitting on a wall.

Lisandra and I have fallen back into our old routine of her caring for me, and I swear this woman is angel. She better live through the attack on Haven because I’m gonna be pissed as all hell and want every enemy to bleed out slowly and painfully if she doesn’t. I’ve grown very attached to her even without her remembering our past interactions, and one day I find myself unable to keep the already badly placed filter between my mouth and brain working.

“Lisandra… friend… wonderful lady,” I utter as she smiles at me while helping get my boots of my feet before I get mud and grime on the bed. “Thank you, My Lady,” she says. “It’s an honor you think so highly of me.”

**R: We should romance her. Better than Cullen any day.**

“Not think. Know,” I wearily say while she removes my outerwear so that I can sleep comfortably. She knows how if she doesn’t do it, it’ll stay on and that’s not a good thing. Because unlike back home where you can just fall asleep in your clothes when you get home from a long day at work, all those leather fastenings and belts and buckles can easily get twisted up and poke you in the wrong way.

The last thing anyone needs is the Herald disemboweling herself or having gaping wounds. Even with all these healers and magic, infection is still a risk due to the low levels of medical know how. And don’t even get me started on hygiene. Most of the people around here do not bathe regularly, and I swear to god I will never complain about regularly bathing if I ever go back home. In fact. I will probably start bathing twice daily if that happens. You don’t know what you got until it’s gone.

**R: *wrinkles nose***

My feline companion is constantly close to me. Part of me is happy for that because I have a small fear that if I lose track of him, somebody insane will use him for food or something. He’s got a purr like a fucking chainsaw and more than once, he’s been on my back, kneading and it’s like my own personal masseuse.

 

Seriously look at this face. Is this not the face of cute?

Most of my companions and advisors are good with him or tolerate the rascal. Josephine will give him a small saucer of cream in her office. Cassandra acts all hard, but I know she’s more than once played fetch with him when she thinks no one is looking. Leliana has given him pets and Varric has slipped him some food during dinners and rubbed his belly in plain sight. He bothers Solas apparently during his trips in the Fade, who complains about the animal but without an ounce of the aggravation Cullen displays.

Cullen is not a cat person and the feeling is scarily reciprocated.

**R: It's a conspiracy and it all makes sense! Anders liked cats. Cullen hated Anders. Omg I need to go blog about this!**

I like you.

I don’t know which of them made the first attack, but I know there is no good feelings shared between them. The cat I have yet to figure out a name for likes to jump on the War Table and will occasionally knock a spare marker that was at the side onto the floor. After so many times of trying to get him to stop, Cullen has picked the cat up by the scruff of the neck and tossed it outside the War Room.

Now I know it technically doesn’t hurt them (according to what knowledge of cats I have gotten from home) but I’ve never liked to see it happen. I feel more than a little squeamish at the sight, probably more so because of my memories at our Commander’s harsh treatment of me in previous cycles. So it bothers me more than it normally does. Which, in turn, makes an even greater rift grow between the commander and me.

The tension between us comes to a head before we’re scheduled to leave for the Hinterlands. My Common is still broken but passable enough to converse with Mother Giselle according to the council. He calls my cat a blasted beast when I inquire if someone can keep an eye on it and I glare daggers at him.

“If it were Mabari, you’d feel different,” I snap and he nods. “You’re correct, Herald,” he says. My title is spoken in a kind of sneering fashion. “A mabari would listen to orders and be worth having around. Unlike that thing… What purpose does he serve besides catching mice and making trouble?”

**R: I think you should hit him in the face. With a shovel. And then bury him.**

Can’t. We need him for the story.

“Stops me from concentrating on trying to punch your dumb ass in nose,” I say under my breath but unfortunately still loud enough for him to hear it. He looks at me with reserved irritation. “You have a problem, Herald?” he asks.

“You’re an asshole. Don’t know how to deal with you. Can’t keep your opinions on how badly I fight with the weapons to yourself. Look at me with disdain because of how large I am. You think I’m interested in you? You can make me feel flutters in my tummy? Wrong. Won’t be romanced by someone who acts like tool.”

Cassandra and Josephine look embarrassed as my revelation on what they’d tried to do is revealed. Leliana just looks the same. Cullen’s eyes examine the map on the table while his hands grip the wooden edge. Looks like I struck a nerve or something. Oh ho! Now he can’t even look at me! Ha bloody ha.

**R: Did someone order a douchebag?**

“Know I look ridiculous trying to practice with swords and dagger and bow and arrows. Don’t care. Need to learn how to fight with something other than staff in case of trouble. So I do. Never was attractive to anyone before, and you suck at acting like you find me pretty. So stop lying. You better than that. You not even do things right. You always rude. Stern. Work obsessed. You suck at romance.”

“Are you done prattling?” Cullen asks testily and I snort in disdain. “Go fuck self,” I snap and leave the war room, thankful we leave for the Hinterlands so I can see how much longer I can live.

**R: Feels good doesn't it? I love telling him to fuck off! *high five***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not only did he draw Nicolette: he drew the cat. I swear Junnesejer is one talented person. I just wanna hug him to death!


	52. Oh Boy...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No summary for this one as it's short AF!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem.

I do not know why. I cannot explain why. But for some reason: I black out when facing human foes.

Balls to the wall, no memory, blacked out.

This could be a very big problem.

I didn’t black out before. I was fine going toe to toe with demons and wraiths and shades. (Oh my!) But my first battle where I didn’t die against a band of bandits? Blank canvas, mother fuckers. It’s like I’m back to sleep walking/sleep driving. Very confusing.

I’m just glad I didn’t keep fighting after all the enemies were finished. Yeah, that’s exactly what I want on my conscious: in the heat of battle on auto pilot and suddenly attacking Cassandra, Varric and Solas because there’s nobody left to fight. I came to after being bitch slapped by Cassandra. At which point I burst into tears because that FUCKING hurt!

So that was my second day journeying to the Hinterlands. How have ya’ll been?

**R: There are no words...**


	53. I've Made It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also it may end up biting me in the ass but I'm starting to really like the Evunaris

Holy shit. We have finally actually made it to the Hinterlands.

How long?! How many times have I died never getting this place?! This illusive next chapter into the game’s story always taunting me - inches of the Inquisition’s camp where we meet Scout Harding just out of my reach! It’s like an all you can eat buffet but you have to wait for the serving staff to put shit on the table before you’re free to get a plateful.

Okay that might be a bad example, but I am just so happy to be here!

**R: Me too. Only been hearing about this for the last 50 or so deaths...**

Scout Harding. Holy shit! The woman looks even prettier in person. Her freckles are also more pronounced than the game screen gave her and coupled with her red hair? So cool. Now if only I could speak Common properly instead like a toddler this would be awesome.

**R: Don't be eyeing my woman. She is MINE I tell ya.**

You’re stuck in my head. You have no woman!

We make our introductions. It's a little awkward since my words aren’t forming fluid sentences, and Varric cracks his bad joke that I love him for regardless. I hold out my hand and Harding shakes it, a little surprised but smiles. She has a pretty smile.

Oh dear lord! I sound like such fangirl telling you guys this, huh?

**R: Listen woman. We been friends so far, but no touchy my Harding.**

Oh, shush.

We stop by and speak to the field requisition officer and get notes on what we need to keep an eye out for and I remember that there’s a chest I can loot close by. I love it when things are where I remember them to be. I’m so happy I forget that it’s probably not a good idea to try sliding down the steep rock face as a shortcut to the road.

**R: Don't! Dammit. Too late.**

I will not be doing that again, or y’know at least until I figure out how to use magic to cushion my fucking fall because of course it kills me. 

Mythal is waiting for me when I come to. I groan and yell out, “Why the fuck am I so goddamn frail?!” She chuckles and motions to a seat. “Attempting to test the boundaries of how far you can fall, Child?” she asks in that tone that might be patronizing, but then again may just be how she normally speaks.

I sigh again. “Well, y’know how it is. Always want to see how much fall damage a girl can take,” I reply light heartedly. “Ooh! Ice cream!” I look at the treat, a parfait glass of vanilla ice cream with fresh blueberries and strawberries in delight. I almost grab a spoon to dig in before I remember my manners.

“May I?” I ask the Evanuris, who smiles and waves her permission. “Of course! I thought you might enjoy it as a reward for making it to the Hinterlands.” I look at her with awe and gratitude, feeling a bubble of joy in my chest. “You got me ice cream for that?! Thank you!” I say with a heartfelt smile before taking a spoonful of the desert and popping it into my mouth. Holy crap that is good! I put my hand over my mouth as my eyes roll back in response to the sweet silky creamy goodness. Mythal asks me how I like it and I swallow the bite before saying anything. “It’s better than Ben and Jerry’s,” I squeak. “It’s so perfect! It’s got a softness like soft serve but it’s solid too. It’s perfectly balanced and the berries! The berries just push it over the top. These are some high quality berries! I honestly want to have this again sometime… Maybe see how it tastes with raspberries and blackberries. All da berries!”

**R: You are impossible!**

Mythal laughs at me, apparently my jubilation at the dessert is a good show. “I shall tell Sylaise you approve.” I blink. Of course Sylaise made this: she’s like the fucking goddess of elvhen housewives/househusbands. I can’t even bring myself to be scared right now. Part of me is. A part of me is having a flashback of that one part of a Supernatural episode where someone had been given food by one of the angels and it turned out badly.

“Come now, Girl!” Mythal tuts. “Must your mind always think such dark deeds during blissful moments?”

“I would say no, but I freaking still don’t quite know if you guys want something from me, or need me to do something, or you just actually want to get to know me for no reason other than be my friend.”

“Would the latter be so difficult to believe?” Mythal asks gently. “You have been brought from your world to ours. Crossed dimensions and done things beyond what should have been possible. Aside from a more… animated change of your personality, you have not fallen into a pit of depression at the prospect that you might never go home. You have not used your ability to come back from the dead via time loop as some kind of cheat mechanism. You are grateful for it and try not to have it happen again. Any moment you did die had purpose and you learned from it. You endured far better than one would think.”

**R: Because I would so use that time loop to bang everyone in Haven. She's right, you have done well dear.**

I have strange feeling that’s your goal for me.

Mythal is really good for my self esteem. I eat another spoonful of the creamy concoction before me with a shy smile. Mythal laughs. “Do not worry, Kathleen. No one will be abandoning you here. And in spite of what the Dread Wolf or others might say: we do not view you as a pet or a bauble to be played with and then discarded.”

There’s a tone in her voice that causes me to look at her. It’s like she knows. “Have other people been in my position?” I ask hesitantly. “I mean there are tons of Modern Girl In Thedas fics out there but-”

“Rarely, but we have dealt with a few poor souls dragged into this mess by one of ours. And more than once have they,” she pauses trying to find the right words, “turned away from us and left themselves to the machinations and cruelty of fate. It is never an easy thing to see. Once they do, we are powerless to help them.”

I swallow. “What happened to them?” I ask. I don’t really want to know, but I kind of have to. Mythal’s face darkens and she has that same look on her face that she did when I asked about Morrigan. She sighs and it is heavy. “Most of them died needlessly and could not return as they had abandoned the tether the time loop gave them. One has become a broodmother waiting to be slain. She has forgotten herself and now lives only to birth Darkspawn until the end finally comes for her. Two others lay sleeping in the forms of old gods beneath the earth… peacefully lost to their dreams until the Darkspawn eventually find them.”

I swallow at the lump in my throat that has formed and she looks at me. “Until you either abandon us or you return to your world, you will remain under our protection. Safely able to return to this place should you perish in your travels. It is your shelter from the storm around you. Your own personal haven.”

“Not to be confused with actual Haven,” I say with a teasing smile to which Mythal reciprocates. I tell her thank you and finish my ice cream and berries with a satisfied sigh. “Well,” I put my spoon down and dab my mouth with a napkin, “let’s loop.” 

**R: That a girl!**


	54. My Undies Are Still Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also: I will never hesitate to cross the bridge again.

My underwear was actually still gone when I came to in the dungeon. How the fuck? That’s just wrong.

**R: That's fucked up man.**

Cass and Leliana enter and Cassandra goes into her speech. I don’t say a word until she demands I tell her what that mark on my foot is. I want to formulate something that combines asking if I can call her Cass with an in depth understanding of what it is mixed with just the right amount of smarmy attitude. Unfortunately, my brain is not helping me and I just shrug.

“Did you notice I’m wearing no underwear and in my night shirt?” I ask  the two women. “What part of my appearance screams knowing what is happening?” I stare at Cassandra expectantly. The brunette looks at me angrily. “Do you think this is a joke?” she demands, putting her hands around my collar and yanking me up. Leliana steps in, does her intervententing bit and I fall backwards on my ass. My shirt lifts up and I am very sure my crotch was within easy looking for at least one guy.

Whoever is responsible for my missing panties is so getting his ass kicked.

**R: I never wear panties so… *shrugs***

I’m given some leather pants and boots and led towards the gates where Cassandra cuts me free and helps me get into a light armor chest piece, completing the poor but better than nothing ensemble to keep me from freezing my ass off. Although I am seriously grossing out at going commando in combo with these leather trousers.

Medieval crotch rot. *shudders*

Okay focusing… sorry.

**R: I giggled entirely too hard at that.**

It occurs to me that I’m speaking english again perfectly, and I’m more than possibly a little afraid the spell wore off and now I can’t understand or speak elvhen anymore. Yes, I know: should have realized that the moment I opened my mouth, but hey! I’m oblivious.

We get to the bridge and I can’t help but wonder: will it still blow up if I wait? Is this a timed event? Do my actions trigger the meteor falling? “What are you hesitating for?” Cassandra demands. “We must hurry.”

“The bridge is gonna be demolished if we cross over it,” I say, watching the group of soldiers run across it. I always like to wait until they make it before I go, even if Cass pushes me forward. She raises an eyebrow at me, obviously disbelieving of my words. “And you believe this why?”

“I know things… like future things. And I know once we get to the middle of the bridge, a meteor is gonna come down and blow this fucker apart. And then we’re going to fall onto the frozen riverbed,” I inform her. She makes a sound of disapproval and walks forward. I try to stop her but she only says, “Let me cross first then and we will see just how right your ‘visions’ are.”

I want to tell her it only activates if I walk but I can’t because she’s already striding ahead and…

The fade shrapnel hits the bridge. Directly at the spot where Cassandra is crossing and my stomach tightens as I watch everything go to hell. I scream her name and hurry down to the embankment, my blood running colder than the Frostback mountain air as I hurry to her downed form.

Oh no.

No, no, no, please!

Ladies and gentlemen: I regret to inform you that a major character who is essential to the plot of the game has just died. And it’s all my fault.

**R: Well, we're fucked now.**


	55. What the Fuck Have I Done?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry.

“Oh please don’t do this,” I say to the lifeless body, “please, Cass, no!” She is missing half her head, the debris must have passed through it and the heat cauterized the wound as it impacted. There is no way she’s going to be revived from this.

Cassandra Pentaghast is dead.

I am so fucked.

I am terrified.

And I now have to fight two demons on my own.

_ *”God damn you, Solas!”* _ I scream at the top of my lungs and use a mind blast before grabbing Cass’s sword and going ape shit on the Shades. I’m pretty sure I look like a cross between the sloppiest Knight Enchanter and a complete lunatic but I don’t care. I’m pissed.

Cassandra was not supposed to die.

**R: Damn. Just...damn.**

I fall to my knees and cradle Cass’s half missing head in my lap and start bawling. It’s not supposed to be like this. She’s an essential character! She’s meant to live! She declared the Inquisition reborn. She’s stands up to Roderick and helps us when we go to Val Royeaux. She’s strong and amazing and was always in my team even before when this was all a video game.

What the hell am I gonna do?

**???: Okay, get it together, Kathleen Rachel Bridget! The entire world is coming down around you and even though you want to, you cannot just stay here on the frozen river and hug a dead body! You need to get to Solas and Varric and close the rift before they get killed too.**

**R: Dafuq? Who is this?**

**???: Someone who needs her to get a grip and fucking focus before we loop again. Hi. How ya doing?**

Oh god. Now there’s a new voice in my head. As if major character dying wasn’t already something to deal with. I give a hard laugh before letting out a whimper in grief and gently lay Cassandra down on the ice. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I just didn’t want us to fall down onto the ice.” I take her sword and place it on top of her; her hands clasped over the pommel in true warrior death pose fashion. I just keep whispering sorry to her over and over as I finish arranging the body as best I can.

She shouldn’t be dead.

This should not be happening.

I probably should have drug her over to the embankment before I did this but I’m not thinking clearly, okay? I finally stop and grab a staff and some health potions which survived and head towards where Solas and Varric are at.

I’m at a higher level now and the monsters are no challenge for me. But without Cassandra here, I feel as if I’m in a glitched game that I can’t reload. I keep my barriers high and my mana reserves good as I make my way up to the top of the hill.

I help defeat the baddies and close the rift basically on autopilot. Solas says the lines like he does, I respond in kind. But without Cassandra here, there’s the missing piece. “So if we’re lucky this mark of mine can seal or at least stabilize that thing in the Sky,” I say. It feels wrong to say her lines even if it’s varied.

“Possibly. You seem to hold the key to our salvation,” he tells me.

It feels wrong.

Even more so when Varric introduces himself and glances around. “Weren’t you supposed to have an escort, Twinkle Toes?” he asks. It’s taking everything I have not to cry. “Cassandra-” I begin and both men look at me expectantly, “I wanted to try and use another way. The bridge was going to explode and I didn’t want us to fall with it. She crossed it to show me I was wrong and.. I had to leave her behind and continue on.”

Varric cursed under his breath and Solas eyed me. You can never get a good read on this bastard. “You didn’t run?” he asks me. I look at him with a frown. “Where would I go, Solas?” I demand. “This thing on my foot is killing me and unless I get to the Temple of Sacred Ashes, it’s game over for everyone. Only an idiot or a coward would leave and try and find someplace to hide when they could do something to stop all this.”

I sigh heavily. “I need to get to the forward camp. I would appreciate the backup but I won’t hold you to it,” I tell them and forego rifling through the bodies strewn around as I usually do. I find myself suddenly aversive to doing one of my favorite activities and just desperate to get this done.

I’m absolutely strong enough to take on the enemies by myself but lucky enough that the pair of males decide they’ll go with me.

It’s even stranger travelling now without the Seeker with me. The team feels odd and incomplete. I can barely bring myself to emotionally process it when Varric asks me about my accent. Ah, the southern drawl to my voice is finally recognized as being unusual. “Let’s just say I’m not from round these parts,” I say, making it even more pronounced and stereotypically southern belle like.

**R: OK I know we are supposed to be all sad and shit over Cass (even though she's gonna be back next time you die). But this part makes me giggle cuz I talk like that too.**

“Damn that’s sexy,” Varric blurts out and I nearly trip face first into a snowbank. Really?! Who the fuck is in charge of this bullshit?!

**R: Let him pop your cherry!! This round, double or nothing bet.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this loop I had no intention of killing off Cassandra. I write on the fly with no real idea where things will go and what will happen, so her being killed put me in literal shock. And then it started working as a proper plot device and though I feel really bad for having her killed this round, I also feel it will be good thing.
> 
> Hey, she comes back to life every time I loop! She's not dead for good.


	56. I Do Not Like Roderick

I make it the forward camp and tensions run even higher without Cassandra there. And Roderick is even more insufferable to listen to. “Why is she not in chains?” he demands. “Where is Seeker Pentaghast?!”

“Dead. A rock came down and took half her head off as it decimated one of the bridges leading from Haven.”

“And yet you live?” he asks in that smarmy little snide ass way he does so well. “How convenient.”

**R: I still hate him.**

You ain’t the only one.

Rage bubbles inside of me, and I can feel myself shaking as he looks at Leliana. “Have your men chain her so she can be taken to Val Royeaux for execution,” he orders. Oh hell no he isn’t!

“My mark is the only thing you have to stop this insanity and you wanna throw away any chance for survival just so you can have me executed for a crime you have no fucking proof I committed!”

“You survived while thousands are dead and are dying as we speak! You have no room to-”

“Shut up!” I scream. “If you honestly believe in the Maker you go around claiming, you’d fucking take this opportunity to see if I can at least close the Breach like I did with the rift at the front gate, you overzealous prick! But no, you just give up hope and want to wait for the end to come like some… I don’t know what to call you but you suck!” I look at Leliana, cringing as the mark on my foot flares up. “I need to get to the temple! I’m pretty sure I can at least stop that thing from growing worse if I can get to where the main explosion hit.” She nods and I can see her mind working in several different venues.

“There are two paths you can take,” Leliana says and motions for me to stand next to her in front of the table holding the map. “The quickest is to charge with the soldiers through this route or you can take a safer path through the mountains using this old series of tunnels from the abandoned mining complex. However we’ve lost contact with our scouting party.”

“Why are you even entertaining this madness! Call a retreat so-”

I look up at Roderick. “If you don’t have anything to say that can help then there are bodies who need last rites performed,” I state. “People are scared witless and they need someone to give them hope. If you can’t do the job of giving people hope and a feeling of safety like part of the clergy should, then you’re part of the problem that led us here. So either help or fuck off!” I look back down at the map. Cass would want me to charge with the soldiers.

I owe her.

“I say we charge,” I tell Leliana. “I don’t want to waste any more time than I already have by being cautious.” Leliana nods in agreement. “Understood. Let us hurry.”

**R: Way to go girl!**

Wait what?

“You’re going with us?” I ask confused. She looks at me with that stoic look that all amazingly sneaky people seem to have mastered and explains, “You’re still a prisoner until we can ascertain what happened at the Conclave. Without Cassandra here, it is up to me to accompany you. Is there a problem?”

I shake my head. Probably. Probably not. I don’t really know how to deal with the bullshit that’s going on. We charge as scripted, sealing the rift and rescuing Cullen and his men. It’s weird hearing him speak to Leliana instead of Cassandra at this point, and part of me doesn’t want to listen to the differences in how the conversation goes. But I do because I don’t have the luxury of being able to switch my ears on and off.

“Thank the prisoner, Commander,” Leliana says. “Her initiative is what helped guide us here.”

He looks at me and bows slightly. “You have my gratitude, then,” he tells me and I nod. Leliana tells him to have his men pulls back and regroup, sending any men he can spare to the temple as our back up once her gets the wounded cared for. He accepts and wishes us well before helping a man with a wounded leg to the camp.

I can’t help but note that that was probably the best interaction I’ve had with the man ever since I met him.

Seriously: who the fuck is in charge of this bullshit?

**R: Could have been worse.**


	57. This Shit Is Weird

Shit is getting weird. First, Leliana joins us as my escort and now, Cullen is leading the group of soldiers into the temple as our back up. “I’ll deploy my men around the perimeter, keep you covered from above,” he explains before he walks off and Leliana asks if I’m ready. I nod with a sigh. “Hey if I succeed, promise me you won’t let Roderick drag my ass off to the capitol until I’m awake and walking, please?”

The redhead smirks a little. “I will do my best,” she replies. I give her just a flash of a smile before I look up at the temporarily sealed first rift. I make my way down to ground zero listening to the fragments of Justinia and Corypheus speaking. “What in the Maker’s name was that?” Cullen asks after hearing Corypheus speak for the first time. Solas answers and Varric makes a comment about the red lyrium. Cullen barks an order for his men to be careful around the stuff while Solas theorizes.

We get to the base and see the images. Divine bound and calling for help, me showing up in my nightgown and -

Hold on.

Sheogorath is missing. Corypheus still says kill the intruders, I still shout fuck this shit no way, but Sheogorath’s vocal bits are gone. Oh this is weird. “It appears you were at the temple after all,” Leliana says and I snap to attention, filing this as another deviation I have to deal with later. “Yeah, but I wasn’t supposed to be,” I reply motioning towards the now vacant air in front of us. “I supposed to be at home sleeping, hence why I was in my nightshirt.”

“We will discuss this later,” Cullen states firmly and Solas goes into the whole echoes speech. Cullen tells his men to get ready. I open the rift and out pops the Pride Demon, laughing in all his annoyingly protected glory. 

We fight.

We kick ass.

I seal the rift and pass out.

I wake up in the cabin wearing what I have considered to call my default outfit, still without underwear and a purring cat next to my head. Well that’s new. I turn my face to stare at the animal who lifts his head up. It’s the same cat as before and it looks at me. “Um, hello,” I tell him. He yawns and licks my cheek.

Weird.

Lisandra shows up like clockwork, but says Leliana and Commander Cullen were waiting for me in the Chantry before bounding away. I press my hand to my forehead, rubbing it tiredly as I remember. Yes. It would be them now, wouldn’t it?

I sit up on edge of the bed, the cat stretching out as I sigh. “Not even gonna ask how you got in or why you’re here,” I told the cat. “Just add it to the shit’s all messed up pile.” He gets up on his hind legs and taps me on the shoulder. The universal demand for “Hey! Pet me, human.”

I do so, rubbing under his chin and at the sides of his face where experts say makes them happiest. “You’re so pretty,” I state affectionately. He purrs and after a few more minutes of receiving affection jumps off the bed. I look at the front door, feeling apprehensive as fuck. There was no telling how this was gonna play out.

I could say fuck it and kill myself.

No. Bad, Kathleen. That’s not the Queen of the easy path method that’s suicidal idiot method. We do not do that shit. Anymore.

I groan with frustration and get to my feet. Walking over to the chest where armor is usually stored, I open it up wondering if this time it actually holds something.

Holy shit it does.

“Really, Cassandra dies and I get actual armor when I wake up?” I mumble under my breath in disbelief. “Fucking ridiculous.” I look at my cat who was cleaning his face but had stopped to look at me. “Don’t get me wrong,” I tell him, “I’m happy I got something this time, but the idea of her being killed for it to happen is…” 

Gotta stop thinking about it. Gotta focus on the task at hand.

I feel tears stinging my eyes and inhale sharply as I rush to put my armor on… and fail because I’m a fucking modern girl in Thedas and up until this point it’s been a version of that armor I have Nicolette wearing when I play the game as her. What’s it called? Light Adventurer’s Armor? Whatever. Shit’s awesome and fit relatively well.

Now I have Stone Bear Armor, and I’m confused as fuck how to get it on. Mother fucking cock biting son of a shoopuff piss drinker! I hate my life.

**R: Well that was interesting to say the least.**


	58. Cullen Earns Some Respect Points

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I also miss Cassandra.

It never fails me to be shocked at some of the stupid things that come out of people’s mouths.

Or some of the most disrespectful.

I can overhear more than a few people remarking on Cassandra’s death. How it must have been divine punishment for putting me in chains. I swallow a sound of disgust at that. 95% of the people here wanted me dead before I could get past the gates and went to the temple to stabilize the Breach. Some of them I know were part of the group that dragged Cassandra away while I was being beaten to death during one of my previous loops.

I don’t know how I manage to keep my impulses of shouting at these people subdued as I walk through the town and into the Chantry.

I approach the war room and hear Roderick going on with his scripted rant but… wait. He’s arguing with both Cullen and Leliana! Wow. Did not expect that. Leliana, maybe. But not Cullen. The man is seriously impressing me this round.

“There has been no evidence of her being responsible for the explosion,” I hear Cullen say and he’s got that irritated tone. “She saved our men by charging into the valley. Saved all of Thedas by stabilizing the Breach! She is our one hope, and you can take your wild ramblings elsewhere.”

**R: That was almost enough to convert me back to a Cullen fangirl...almost.**

It definitely earned him respect points with me as well.

I hear him slam his fist down on the war table, and I have to admit it's nice, very nice. Leliana’s response is calmer, but her voice drips with venom despite her hushed whisper. “If you have nothing further to suggest, Chancellor, then I think it’s time you leave. I believe you know where to find the door.” And that, folks, is how I ended up scurrying out of the way as a rather flustered looking Roderick stormed through the Chantry and outside to Haven.

At least I won’t be worried about being put in chains!

Once Roderick is gone from sight, I head back to the war room. I knock... well pound on the door really (fuckers are heavy!) and hear Cullen say, “Enter.” So I do.

“Glad you could join us,” Cullen says, and for a brief second I feel like it’s condescending and we’re back to him treating me like I’m not worth the time. But no. It’s old wounds that still hurt from loops before coloring my feelings. And I know this because he gives me a small smile that he’s never showed me before now. I haven’t seen that look since I was at home playing the game.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Sorry,” I apologize with smile. “Apparently I was in a coma and couldn’t wake up. Thank you for letting me sleep in an actual bed,” I tell Leliana. “I honestly expected to still be in chains if I’d survived.”

“After all that you’ve accomplished, I think being given actual quarters is only fair,” Cullen remarked and Leliana nodded. I give a sad chuckle. “Yeah: I got Seeker Pentaghast killed, told off a leading member of the resident chantry, failed to close the Breach, and I had to get someone to help me put on the Stone Bear armor you all were sweet enough to give me. Thank you for this by the way. I’m a little warmer than I’m used to, but I love it.”

They exchange a look and Leliana spoke. “Cassandra’s death was extremely unfortunate. Her loss will be felt for a long time. Her body was collected and was given proper rites. I thought you would like to know.”

I utter a soft thank you, my hands fidgeting with each other as guilt pokes my belly. I feel them both watching me but I don’t care. They’ll let their suspicions or thoughts be voiced sooner or later. Desperate to change the subject, I ask why I’m there with a awkward smile.

Leliana explains, “You managed to stabilize the Breach and in doing so have bought us more time to figure out who is guilty of killing the Divine and ripping the hole in the sky. If what we witnessed at the Temple is to be believed, you are indeed innocent and have been shackled with a very large burden.”

“People will believe I’m guilty unless I help reveal the true mastermind of the explosion at the Conclave,” I agreed. “That is definitely not going to be easy. And given how much the Chantry obviously wants my head on a silver platter-”

“We can handle the Chantry,” Cullen interrupted. “You don’t have to worry about them trying to hurt you if that’s your concern.”

“No offense, Commander. But in my experience? If they want something bad enough, they’ll find a way to get it.” My kidnapping and torture run is a scar on my psyche that will remain proof of that. “Even if they’re seriously handicapped by this whole thing, if they can convince enough people I murdered Divine Justinia and all those people at the Conclave then they won’t need to send anyone after me directly. There are enough fanatics out there that will gladly do the job for them.”

“An unfortunate and wise observation,” Leliana agreed and set the book of the Inquisition on the war table. “Do you know what this is?”

“Besides something very heavy and important looking? It’s a book.”

The spymaster nodded before going into her scripted lines about Divine’s directive and Inquisition of old. Cullen is looking at me throughout the whole speech and I feel nervous. It’s not the way he used to stare at me. In fact, I don’t know how I can classify this observing of me he’s doing. But it’s weird after all the bad interactions we’ve had in the past. I wanna tell him to stop it but I don’t.

**R: *Giggles***

What’s so funny?

I almost miss my cue when Leliana says they want me to work with them. “You could leave if you like, however you yourself have acknowledged that you are in extreme danger,” Cullen points out to me. King of the obvious, this guy. I look at both of them. “What about the Chantry? I kept hearing people call me the Herald of Andraste,” I state. “That won’t sit well with people like Roderick. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a mage. That couldn’t piss them off more if I was an elf. Or an elven mage or even a Qunari. Now that would cause them to piss themselves while frothing at the mouth.”

“As good as it would be to have the Chantry’s support, I’m afraid they would censure us with or without you as a factor,” Cullen says. “Besides there is far too much else to worry about than their opinion.”

“At least for now,” Leliana quickly interjected. “Perhaps as time goes by we can sway them to understanding and accepting your innocence. I will be blunt, Lady Herald: the truth of the matter is we can provide you with protection, shelter, clothing, food and money and in return you can help us by strengthening and expanding the Inquisition’s reach across Thedas. Someone must end this chaos and bring about order.”

“Well at least you’re honest in what you want,” I comment. But seriously, how was I not going to accept to work with them? That’s the whole point of being in this mess, isn’t it? Lead them or fall. It’s the game’s tag line. “I’m pretty sure Cassandra would want me here to help as well. She was a good person… she should be here.”

“You care a lot about her in spite of your less than ideal first meeting,” Leliana observed. I glance at both Spymaster and Commander, feeling sadness and guilt at my belly once more. “She died protecting me, hoping I could stop this madness from spreading. She never got the chance to see if she was right because I wanted to not cross a bridge. She would still be here if I hadn’t hesitated.”

“You don’t know that,” Cullen tells me and I look at him.

“Yes, I do,” I tell him with a wavering in my voice that usurps the conviction I feel. I turn my hazel eyes onto Leliana. “I’ll do whatever I can to help the Inquisition, although I don’t have much in terms of skills and even less in terms of assets. So if I have to be a figurehead to help you guys out I will. But just know I don’t like being manipulated even though I have a rather easy going personality, so just try to keep any bull hockey regarding me doing something to a minimum, please? I also have problems being kept in the dark and have been known to lose my mind if I don’t know what the hell is going on for extended periods of time. I cry, it’s hard to reason with me, I start pacing… It’s not pretty.”

Cullen chuckles. “I think we can agree your terms are acceptable,” he says and he reaches out his hand. I pause and I look at it for a moment and then at Cullen before back to his outreached appendage. Awkward handshake commences and I also shake Leliana’s hand as well though I’m sure she’s noticed I took hers far easier and quicker than Cullen’s.

Oh well: another bridge to cross should it come up on another day.

**R: I do miss her stern expressions...**


	59. Well That Ended Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was sponsored by fnuckle.  
> I love you so much.

Lisandra has become my favorite person in all of Haven.

And not just because she’s been helping me with things like my armor but she actually scolded me! Surprised both of us when she did it too!

“You’re the Herald of Andraste not a servant! You need to let me make your bed and clean your cabin like I’m paid to, Miss!” she says in what might be the most annoyed tone I’ve ever heard her use.

And I love it!

Probably not the most normal reaction to being scolded but come on! This was the same woman who not too long ago was terrified to look me in the eyes!

She stops and looks at me wide-eyed while I mirror her own look but with less fear. My lips are trying to fight a smile and failing and I grab her wrist. “Come here, you,” I say and drag her to Josephine’s office.

She offers little resistance as we go through the Chantry  and into Josephine’s office. The lady in question was getting things set up inside and looked rather surprised to see me. Probably because I was dragging an elf behind me by the wrist. I let Lisandra go and am grateful she doesn’t run off. I feel a very big twang of guilt because she’s probably terrified something bad is about to happen to her.

“Lady Kathleen? Is there a problem?” the ambassador questions.

“I want her in charge of me from now on,” I tell Josephine and point over my shoulder at Lisandra. “I don’t know what the position is called or if there even is one but I want her in it. I like her and she is my friend. She is very helpful and I want her to be treated well.”

“Well,” Josephine began with an awkward amused tone, “that is certainly something I can look into.” She grabs her writing board and dips her quill into the ink. “May I have your name, Miss?”

Lisandra straightens a bit and looks at me. “Lisandra Tabris, Your Ladyship,” she replies. I wish I could read what’s going on inside her mind. She’s probably confused as all hell but - wait a minute. Tabris? Wasn’t that the last name of the elf from the city elf origin in DAO?

Note to self: figure that out.

Josephine scratches some more things down and soon Lisandra and I leave her office to let her work. Lisandra is quiet and as we head back to the cabin, I realize I might have done something stupid and impulsive. Well I won’t argue with the impulsive bit but was it stupid?

“I really hope I didn’t screw something up,” I mutter and I can feel her eyes on me. I look at Lisandra and grin sheepishly. “I just literally dragged you to Josephine and demanded you be given a potentially important job. I didn’t even ask you if you wanted it,” I tell her. God, now I feel really bad! “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Again.”

“Did you mean that, mi’lady?”

I blinked and looked at her. “Lotta words have been said within the last hour or so from me, so you’re gonna have to be specific,” I explain.

“You called me your friend,” she repeated and I grinned sheepishly.

“Yeah, I did,” I admitted letting my southern drawl out like Ray Stevens in one of his songs. “I don’t know why but I feel that way. I don’t know much about you or have known you for long but… I really like having you around. I trust you.”

“You are too kind,” Lisandra says. “I’m nothing special - just another elf from the city.”

“You’re wrong,” I said firmly and she looks at me. I can’t tell really read her facial expression but she looks surprised I think. Maybe a little in awe? I suck. “You work hard and put up with me a lot more than you could. You didn’t have to stick around and help me out like you have. After that time you delivered the message about Cassandra, you could have just avoided me. But you didn’t. And I’m grateful for it.”

“You’re too kind,” she repeats and I shake my head. “No, no I’m not,” I assure her. “I’m selfish and whiny and probably a horrific choice for a Herald. I mean look at me! I’m not exactly the picture of physical fitness and with how much you’ve had to help-”

“I think you’re wonderful!” she blurts out. “You’ve not called me knife ear and you’ve treated me with respect! You talk to me like I’m equal to you and you’ve gone out of your way to look for resources around Haven. You rarely complain about anything and when you do it’s normal things. Not like any noble I’ve ever dealt with or seen. You even try to make my job easier even though you know you’re bad at it! You don’t hit me or try to take advantage of me! You’re wonderful! And to think you even consider me worth having in such an important position as a lady-in-waiting or as your personal servant is… It makes me feel happier than I’ve ever been! I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop!”

She’s blushing profusely as she speaks and I tilt my head to the side. “The other shoe?”

“I keep thinking you want something from me! I know it’s blasphemous but I’ve been afraid you wanted to take me on for a lover or something! Maker preserve me - I don’t deserve such kindness! Especially from someone as important as you are!”

And with that said, she took off out of the cabin. I’m left stunned and feeling rather bad now. Not anything I did (I think) but the fact she doesn’t think she deserves to be treated like a person? What kind of life has she lived so far?

**“Well well well! Lisandra sure said quite the mouthful. Pulling the heartstrings, tell her to stop it's going to make me sick.”**

I guess absence makes a voice go louder.

**“No comment, you're not going to ask where I've been?”**

Okay… In what foul little hole of my mind have you been hiding in?

**“Oh you know here and there. The occasional under the bed and stuff.”**

“I have bed under my head huh?” I say out loud with a wry laugh. “Makes sense.” I sigh and scratch the back of my head. “Well I guess I can go practise beating the shit out of training dummies until Leliana or Cullen summon me.” I wish I had my drawing supplies from the previous loop. I could on the portrait of Cassandra I’d been working on. I should request some from Josephine later.

**“Well I never said that now did I?”**

Well I don’t know any other place a disembodied voice in my head would have a bed.

**“Honeycomb, am I talking in your head?”**

“Uh duh… Mine is the only-”

I pause as I think for a moment. “This is me speaking out loud,” I say with a confused scrunch of my face.

**“And I was?”**

What the ever loving fuck balls?!

* * *

Donations can be made [here!](paypal.me/Mayamelissa)

 The original tumblr post is [here!](http://themayamelissa.tumblr.com/post/146221106482/will-betawrite-for-money)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my computer is on it's last legs and I am having a very hard time saving up for a replacement. So I'm taking donations from anyone who would like to help as well accepting people who would like to sponsor chapters of my works! Trust me: this chapter and the other one I'm releasing tonight wouldn't have made it out right now if it were for the contribution made. I had to fight for control of my sister's laptop to get them written.  
> Seriously, fnuckle, you are fucking awesome and I wanna hug you.  
> You can donate five dollars which will go to a very noble cause and if you have anything specific you want to sponsor tell me and I shall sing your praises in the next chapter released as well as do a happy dance.  
> I'm not kidding: the situation is dire.  
> And I am both sorry and not sorry for begging.  
> Thanks for reading and putting up with me!


	60. WHY?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was sponsored by comavampure.  
> Comavampure. They are awesome.

Okay. I can handle this.

My cat can talk.

I don’t even know if it actually is a cat though. I need more answers.

**R: It** **_is_ ** **a cat. And it** **_is_ ** **talking. And it** **_has_ ** **claimed you. Ergo, your cat can talk.**

And where the hell have you been, Responsibility?

**J: Responsibility hello!**

“Oh hell no. You don’t get to have a voice outside my head AND inside it!” I tell the animal in front of me.

**J: How else am I supposed to talk to my favorite disembodied friend?**

“You two can obviously understand each other when you’re freaking out here,” I say. “Now you better explain why the fuck you can talk and what else is going on before I grab you by the scruff of your neck and throw you out the window!”

**J: BUT it's cold outside and I don't want to hang out with the Chantry people. They're weird.**

**R: Sorry for my absence, dear. I found that while people sleep I can wander for a bit. Would you like to know what a certain Knight-Captain named Rylen dreams about…?**

Not right now, thank you. 

I then turn my glare hard at the cat in front of me. “You have to the count of five,” I warn it. 

**R: Five what? Golden rings?! *sings Christmas carols annoyingly loud***

Stop that. “One.”

**R: Uno dos tres quatro...**

**J: Dear Sithis, it's like I'm in trouble with Haskill all over again. I don't think I'm aloud to say how, so I won't.**

**R: MOM! He's keeping secrets again!!**

**“** Two, mutha fucka.”

**J: Stop being such a tattletale! And you're not scarier than Haskill, he'll stick me in Mania again and it's not fun!**

“Three.” I can feel my magic start to charge.

**“By Sithis, you have magic? Anyways I'm kind of like Sheogorath's paramour but I work under Haskill when I'm not being Sheo’s person.”**

“Who the hell is Haskell? And YOU are Sheogorath’s lover?!”

**“Haskill is Sheo’s chamberlain. He's the only other person I know that shows no signs of madness.”**

I tilt my head, trying to process that but ultimately a give up. “Tell me what’s going on,” I demand.

**“Me? Or you know Responsibility, please say Responsibility.”**

“ _ You _ . Talk. Now.”

**“Okay, so on me being a talking cat or that I'm a paramour to Sheo, because you're only going to get one answer choice wisely.”**

I can feel the nerves in my eyes twitching and I’m pretty much fed up. “That’s it,” I say and lunge to grab the animal. “You won’t give me a fucking straight answer to why the hell you are here or explain what’s going on? You can fucking rot outside!”

**“Fine! I'm here because I asked Sheo to be here. I thought it would be fun and I don't know what's going on. I don't pay attention! Also, I'm pretty sure Sheogorath hates Flemeth so I think there's that. Please don't throw me out it's cold when I don't have a sweater! Also, I'm not a cat. I was an elf, but my elven form doesn't exist on this plane and Sheo likes cats.”**

I stop from chasing him, looking at him. My face is scrunched up and I’m physically holding myself back so I can think about what he’s saying. “Did you getting a body have anything to do with Solas no longer realizing there’s a time loop or why I’m missing my underwear?” I ask.

**“I got out when you died, and technically I'm the reason you lost your underwear. As for the time loop, I don't know about that but I know how to make underwear so that's not a problem.”**

“How the hell are you supposed to make underwear trapped in the body of a cat. And, Responsibility, are you like he is? Sent by someone? Is that why you’re different now?!”

**R: *sigh* I hope this does not change our relationship, but I have a confession to make...**

If you’re pregnant...

**R: Kind of hard to get pregnant when stuck in your mind. But I digress. In truth, Lord Sanguine took a keen interest in you when Shay drug you into this little party. I am actually a Redguard from Hammerfell, sent by our favorite Daedric Prince of Debauchery at the request of one scary witch of the wilds to help you have a little fun. And keep that** **_other_ ** **one in check.**

“Please tell me you’re joking.” My face is no longer scrunched up but I still feel...out of sorts.

**R: No more secrets, dear. I am supposed to help you. That** **_cat_ ** **though…**

“Is  _ every _ Daedric Prince gonna send people in my head?” God I hope not. I massage my temples as I feel the beginnings of a headache form. “So let me get this straight. Flemeth aka Mythal contacted Sanguine and asked if he could send something to me to keep the paramour of Sheogorath who also somehow and for some reason ended up in my head, in check. But now the fucking paramour is out… so I’m still stuck with one foreign entity within my brain. But the first one who was given to me by the person who is responsible for this whole mess now has free range to do whatever the fuck he wants?!”

You know. This is what drives people to drink.

**“I was kind of hoping you were pregnant. I love children that aren't trying to eat people's faces, and I don't need to kept in check. I know what's wrong and right I just skip rope with that line.”**

“I hope I die soon. This shit is just too weird.”

**“Don't die Honeycomb, you have so live for.”**

Not if this keeps happening.

**“Someone will just bring you back, and no one will know you expect me so.”**

**R: Hopefully Sam can figure out a way to free me from here so I can actually help keep you safe from that insane cat with the adorable little face. And then I can get some of that booty. Ah shit, hope Sam didn't hear that…**

**J: Iron Bull? Who's Sam? I'm not insane as I could be.**

I let out a groaning sigh, waving my hands gently in the air as if I could wave away this stuff that’s bothering me. I need some more of that apple cider.

* * *

 

Donations to my computer replacement fund can be made [here!](https://www.paypal.me/Mayamelissa)

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	61. Where We Go From Here Is Clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone knew it was coming

“Okay, Sheogorath, what the fuck is going on?”

I stare at the Elder God of Madness with my hands on my hips. Or what I assume is where my hips are.  **Focus, bitch!** He looks at me from his wing back chair, a wedge of cheese on a toothpick in front of his mouth. There’s a nug on his lap.

“Is something happening?” he asks in what I will take as feigned confusion and not genuine.

“A year has gone by on Earth since I last died!” I proclaim. “And now I’m back here in your land of madness after barely acclimating back into my real life!”

“So  _ that’s _ why you’re here now,” he said with surprise. “I’d just thought you were busy.”

“Doing what?!”

“Hopefully a strapping young man,” the Elder God says in a saucy manner.

“The last time I had something sexual try and happen with me I nearly got sexually assaulted by abusive Dom!Cullen,” I exclaim. “And that was apparently because of your meddling!”

“It was definitely a bad call,” he agrees. He bites into the wedge of cheese he has on the tooth pick. “Would you like something to eat?”

“Not right now thanks. So? Why am I back here?”

The human looking Elder God slipped the nug on his lap a cracker with a sigh. “Well it would seem like people missed your antics and I honestly thought we should try it again! Get the old Inquisition fun back in gear!”

“Oh hell no!” I shout. “I’m not going back in there! Aside from the fact I’m glad the fucking mark was on my foot and not on my hand, I am not dealing with fucking Solas and all the shit once again.”

“Oh it wasn’t that bad!” he says with a dismissive wave. “Besides you were doing so well!”

“You added new people voices to my brain, gave me a talking cat, I got tortured by the Chantry and murdered multiple times! And Cassandra got killed on the bridge! That was what fucked shit up the worst!”

“Well now we can do it right!” he decreed. “I promise: this time we’ll do it properly! You’ll have a banging good time - and hopefully get some banging done yourself.” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

“No. Nuh-uh,” I shake my head furiously. “I’m done. You can find someone else.”

“Well that’s too bad because you were out voted!”

“By who?” I am becoming pissed off now. How dare he just decide that he can drag me into this?!

“Hircine wants to see you hunt, Sanguine wants to make sure you get some booty, and I want to witness you scramble about! So it’s three against one. But you’re human and we’re elder gods so it’s more like three and zero point five or something.”

I grit my teeth, my whole body tightening with anger. “I swear to God if you make me do this again, I will not be responsible for my actions!” I vow. And I won’t. I will fucking take the script and rip it to pieces. 

Fuck Thedas. 

Fuck Solas’ plans.

Fuck what the Elder Gods would want.

I didn’t need this insanity back in my life!

“Well at least it will be entertaining,” Sheogorath declared with his madness induced cheerfullness. “Come along now, girl! The future awaits!”

And that’s the last thing I remember before waking up to find myself back in the foul smelling dungeon below the Chantry; my hands shackled with my foot glowing like a fourth of July Sparkler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah: we're getting a redo. But unlike regular ones where everything is practically retconned and nothing is connected, the series will continue with a second installment where we try this ride again. I just... I can't stop this, ya know?

**Author's Note:**

> ~ This is what I do when it’s 2 in the morning and I can’t figure out where to go with any of my stories. At least typing it out. I am an ill woman. And now you will see the depths of it all. ~


End file.
